I am looking for admission in MS in Financial Mathematics. Evaluate my SOP.

My name is ABC. I am twenty three years old working in XY IT sector. I hail from YJK, a small town in Country of Mount Everest, Nepal where I was born and bought up till schooling. Unfortunately the country is suffering through discrimination between boy and girl education. Girls from selected families get chance for education but in local government institutes. My parents' different perspicacity opened door for me and my siblings to study from English medium schools, are still consider matter of luck in most parts of the country, since childhood. Their broad view against discrimination not only provided opportunity to obtain quality education compared to other girl kids but also made me release the utter significance of education at early age. I loved going school to know more about world history, making me fascinate on "How big is world and what things have already taken place since my birth!"

In a middle class family financial crisis is common and same was there for us. Parents work extremely hard just to meet day to day expenses. On top of it, school fees of five kids was like adding fuel to the fire for the family. However, this never deterred my parents sending us to school. Being quite aware of economy problems, we all siblings started helping in family business at early age. Managing time between school and work taught one of extremely precious lesions of life - time management at such tender age. Although I had a different childhood involving less participation in sports and more in work, economic conditions never affected my love towards study and I always did maintain top grade throughout schooling.

One of the most important days of my life was when I got an opportunity to study post schooling in Pune- one of the education cities of East India, close to Mumbai. I was introduced to possibly best education system with better facilities and highly educated and cooperative teachers. This was the most astonishing phase of my life. Being from a small place, everything at first sight was so surprising me more than anything ever. I was taken aback when I learned the fact that Bollywood was just at stretch of three hours and many more. I was impressed by the education system- which is missing in my place, my country. Reverence and estimation for quality education engendered more in me; I started exploring every aspect in this field along with comparing it with system of my country. I was doing superb academically. But I had ambivalence feeling mixed with happiness and sadness. I was happy with my solo growth and the facilities that I was enjoying but equally sad thinking about my society people. The fifty percentage of countries girl population have not got a chance to go to school encumbered by poverty and parochial views. I want to bring change in my country's systems and its people understanding, especially in these aspects: girl education, women empowerment and gender equality. I believe these are not limitation of a developing country like Nepal but they are stymies in a country's development.

Another significant phase in education came when my undergraduate decision was sponsored by [PQ] by providing scholarship for four years program - bachelor in technology. Although economically I was relieved, personally I was looking around for every plausible to sponsor, support and encourage students who have immense potential and are bereft of opportunities. I am certain I would be able to contribute in nation's growth by educating my nation. Engineering plays around mathematics in every subject. Involvement in family business had already instilled in me great affinity for mathematics. Besides, I find programming fascinating and always aspire to be a great coder. The subject that I have chosen is a perfect field I can grow and bring best out of it. I am positive that I would achieve what I dream to be. I would establish myself as a global citizen by connecting to and working for all strident students around world in the possible smallest way.

If I am accepted to the [university name ] I would like to do several things. I will like to major in Financial Mathematics to continue my studies and secure a master degree which, undoubtedly, aids to a great career in IT fields. I am optimistic that the university's cognitive diversity will provide me an open platform to connect with people and communities having common dream like mine. I would like to gather a group of people who can contribute spare money from individual income to support directly or indirectly in children growth and prosperity irrespective of territory restrictions. Besides, I would like to re-live my childhood and participate actively in sports and curriculum which I missed then. I would love nothing more than to be a student at University of [name] so I advance my master study and secure future of opportunity deprived talents.

Rageeni, let's get one thing clear from the very start. This is not a statement of purpose or SOP. This is a personal statement. Often times the two are mixed up because the tendency of most students applying to masters school is to combine the personal and professional information in a single essay. That is the mistake that you made in this particular work of yours. So you have to correct it in order to just deliver the expected information for the reviewer.

To begin with, your statement of purpose opening statement should already indicate that you are a college graduate, where you are currently working, and in what capacity. This tells the reviewer that you are looking to proceed with higher education related to your current employment.

Then, you should proceed with informing the reviewer as to why you feel that you should be given an opportunity to achieve higher education. No, the response does not lie in the story about educational bias in Nepal. Nor does it lie in the early learning experience you have. Your response should reflect the need for higher education based solely upon your future projection for your career and your personal / professional accomplishments. Your response about wishing to accomplish several things upon completion of this course should be revised because it contains some of these response elements already. You just need to improve upon the presentation from your end.

Proceed with explaining your relevant college degree in summary form, then move on to your current (related) work experience in order to prove the logical career progression in relation to your MS interest. Make sure that you lay out a short term career goal at the very least.

As for your conclusion, make sure to explain why you chose this particular university and how you plan to utilize their academic offerings for the betterment of your future. Make sure to point out the areas of interest to you in your study and explain why you feel that is necessary to learn about in your line as a Mathematician. More importantly, indicate why you believe only their university can help you achieve that goal.

Hi Rageeni, I'm not so sure but I have to be honest, it seems like I'm reading your bio, though you talked a little bit of your dream of pursuing the world of finance, this essay is more of a bio, your journey to greater heights of life and family. Now, don't get me wrong, an SOP should contain some information about your life, however, that should not be the focus of the essay.

The focus of the SOP should be your journey towards your academic fulfillment, something that would solidify your pursuit to greater heights of education, this means that the essay should have greater information on your academic journey, your steps in fulfilling this levels and your ultimate goal in the financial world.

Now, I would like to review your revised essay soon and again, focus on your academic portfolio, make sure that they stand out amongst all there is to tell about your life. Keep writing.

Thank you guys for such construe suggestions. Further, want to know if Letter of Recommendation is also evaluated on this website?

Yes Rageeni, we also evaluate, edit, and revise letters of recommendation at this forum. Just make sure that you start a new thread for your letter evaluation in the letter section of this forum. If you do not place it in the right thread, the admin will have to move it to the correct section. If they do that, you might lose track of your letter and be unable to keep track of its new and current location along with the advice given to you.

I suggest that you review our letter section for ideas regarding how to write a successful letter of recommendation. There may be some ideas that you can use in the development of your letter of recommendation. I am looking forward to reading your letter in the near future. I hope to continue working with you on that paper as well. Best of luck with your application and remember, we are here to help you anytime.

Hi guys,
Please review modified version of previous SOP. I am looking for open and critical suggestions like previous review.

Introduction
Mathematics is unique versatile tool that plays indispensable role in every technical and scientific problem modeling. Its usage in financial market has become rapid after advert of internet. Financial industry is undeniably one of the top growing applications of mathematics. It is widely expansive with advancement in internet and web services. With such limitless growth has made this field a huge source of employment. Besides, the volatile nature of the stocks and values of goods in financial markets are demanding more sophisticated and dynamic mathematical modeling increasing gravity of mathematical logistics and algorithms more crucial and pivotal.

Education
During middle of my undergraduate I was fascinated with applications of mathematical modeling in field of signal processing and image processing. Further, research on its applications pestered lucid visage on how a bunch of data pattern simulate real time phenomenon in nature. I had worked on human facial recognition rate, which predicts human face correctly based on heuristically process. The project make me realize that a machine can act as real as a human. However, the accuracy of machine action is solely based on how correctly and perfectly one model the real phenomenon which is feed to the machine. Having strong background in basic mathematics since childhood, being from middle class family financial problems were common and thus, had to support in family business from school days, arose inclination towards internal functioning of mathematics as a device in various professional fields. My decision of master program will certainly provide me answers to all my inquisitions that I hold related to my subject of interest.

Job
In college days I have gained strong grip on MATLAB modeling by doing various projects. Programming with different languages is the hobby that I enjoy the most. During semester vacations, I have worked on designing websites for several start ups. I am currently working in Oracle India in capable of application engineer. My responsibilities include analyzing, coding and unit testing of a resource planning product called JD Edwards as per customer's requirements. In 1.5 years of experience I have got thorough command in object oriented programming within professional protocols.

Research interest
My best's friend brother was much involved in stock market. Initially from his college days he used to invest all his pocket money in stock. Later after starting work, his activities grew with his income. He was doing pretty well unless the day when he invested all savings at a short and unfortunately lost all that he had earned in 2 years within a minute. My friend and his family have been extremely upset thereafter. It would be worth to mention that the plight of the family exhorts me to think possible availability of any fortune teller in financial sector. If any such pundit does exist, why is this not available to advice pedestrian like my friend's brother? Can we reduce risk involved in financial investment to null? Can we make the behavior known in prior to occurrence to the people in stock markets? Such questions seem to be open challenge for me and I want to face them soon.

Why XYZ University?
Understanding real time challenges and tackling them with full preparation demands thorough understanding of the subject both theoretically and practically. The University of XYZ, committed towards diversity, provides an open platform to thousands of students to perform and achieve once dream. It is plausible to rely that in this university I will find people of potential diversity in understanding level yet with common objective. Besides, my personal and professional growth, I aspire to work towards saving world. The multi cultured and linguistic environment that prevails in XYZ University will certainly provide ground to interact people across world to build up a community working towards common vision.

Rageeni, in the research interest portion, you should really make the realization of the topic based more on something that you came to realize on your own , based on an observation of the stock market. The focus of that portion is too much on the best friend of your brother and the results of his investment. It removes the focus of the research from you as a potential researcher and the actual basis of your research. Speak instead of your observations in the stock market and how this spurred you to questions certain things, thus leading you to this research.

With regards to the introduction, it doesn't really tell me what direction you wish to take your career in and why. I am instead, receiving a lecture regarding mathematics and scientific problem modelling. That is useless to me as a reviewer. I already know that. What I want to know is why you think you have to master financial mathematics and how this can help your career in the future.

Your essay doesn't really explain the potential career growth that you look forward to following over the immediate and short term. So, the reviewer will not have a very good reason to consider you a potential good candidate who will be able to complete the course. You have to prove that there is a relevance in relation to your career with regards to your masters degree studies. That is the main core of the statement of purpose and that is what is lacking in this work.

Hi @Holt,

Can I send directly mail to the to the person I seek to evaluate my SOP or LOR instead of pasting my content here ? Is that allowed?

Ragni, unfortunately, your request cannot be accommodated. We have a strict privacy policy at this forum regarding the non-sharing of email addresses in public postings in order to protect the identity and interests of the participants. As a contributor, I cannot deviate from that policy. I am really sorry about that.

You don't have to worry about gaining the attention of the person you want to have evaluate your papers though. Just mention the username of the person whom you wish to interact with directly for your paper at the start of your post. That way the attention of the person will immediately be called when your posting comes up in the unanswered or checklist. You can use the @ sign to accomplish that. Whoever it is that you want to have review your paper will definitely get back to you as soon as possible. Don't worry, we are all on call to help you out whenever you need us. So you won't have to wait too long for a response.