applying Compute Integrated Manufacturing (Asia University)

I want to get the comment for that essay.Is it ok or not?please.

why you wish to pursue this programme and how you would use the knowledge you gain from it in practice

As a computer science student at University of Computer Studies, I am receiving a particularly well-rounded education in computer science. During my studies, I have to learn the core subjects of computer science and did the assignments and projects. In my graduate studies, we had to learn advanced knowledge of the computer science. I like most of the subjects during my studies. School lessons give me excitements all time. While this meant additional work, I improved my study skills. And in the third year project, we submitted video rental system. There were five members in our group. I especially emphasized doing the data collection because I was weak in Programming that time. And I had to help System study and program design. I am very interested in System Design and programming very much. During my academic year, I became interested in Database management and Information Management. After getting Bachelor degree, I attended Honours and Master degree continuously. This is because I want to know deeply about information management. In the honours and master degree coursework, I am interested in distributed operating system, distributed databases, mobile agent's area, and database management system. After I graduated master coursework, I worked my thesis with the title of "Implementation of data warehouse based on semantic relationship". It is dynamic data integration from various heterogeneous data source and has just finished February, 2009. And also I finished advanced diploma in business administration course at May, 2007. And there have some programs in Computer Integrated Manufacturing which related with management field and computer field like Product design and development, Management of global manufacturing operations and networking and databases. It makes me interested to apply this program. I intend to continue my study in database and management areas at an internationally recognized university. Therefore, I decided to apply the graduate course at your university. It would be grateful for me if I'm accorded the opportunity to pursue my graduate studies at your institution. I believe that my motivation and my qualification to the field of management and database indicate that I will be successful as a graduate student. I consider the knowledge, experiences and opportunities that are associated with the earning of the Master degree valuable and I am prepared to invest my time and my energy toward earning this degree. I hope to be given the opportunity to accomplish this at --. After graduating from Computer Integrated Manufacturing, I not only extend my further studies to doctoral degree but also employ my knowledge and my experience in practical work.

I had to learn


what kind of assignments and projects?

Also, take out the "had to" and say: "I learned, or I did". This way, it doesn't make you sound like you HAD to do it without any choice.


what meant additional work? school lessons? how is that additional work?


I had to help System study and program design and I became very interested in those disciplines.


at XXX university, avoid using your's

I think that you should parse your essay into paragraphs, so that it doesn't read like a huge paragraph. Have an intro and a thesis that tells the reader what you're going to talk about. Overall, I think it's a pretty good graduate essay, considering English isn't your first language.

In my graduate studies, I had to ...
or
In our graduate studies, we had to...
but not
In my graduate studies, we had to... --- the way you did it is not wrong, but it is nice to keep the perspective consistent.

Separate this into paragraphs. Every paragraph can be 4 or 5 sentences long. Every paragraph should start with a sentence that says the main idea. Then, the rest of the paragraph should explain that idea. You give some good explanations, but show the reader that you are good enough at composition to write good paragraphs with solid topic sentences.

arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/hypergrammar/partopic.html

thank you very much. I think it is long too. I want to write more but i don't know how for starting?

I mean i don't know how i should explain to meet the needs of the title.

School lessons give me excitement all time.

Usually people don't say excitements. Just say excitement, because it is already plural. Some words, like excitement and approval, don't need an s on the end.

For a title, you can use your creativity to say something interesting. What is interesting about your aspirations? I think this is most interesting:

After I graduated master coursework, I worked my thesis with the title of "Implementation of data warehouse based on semantic relationship". It is dynamic data integration from various heterogeneous data source and has just finished February, 2009.

You should make this the theme for your essay. It is your purpose, the unique contribution you are making. This is very important. Even though you want to research other topics, too, let the reader know more about the specific process you underwent with this one. It is part of the story of your contribution to the field.

Most importantly, use paragraphs! Don't just write it as one big block of text.

:-)