I need broaden and develop my scientific background to become an international-level researcher

Hello everybody...

I have been trying to put together some ideas for my SOP...and I have gotta say it was not easy...
whenever I tried to put the ideas into words, it just didn't work...I tried to check other SOPs on the web to find anything that might be suitable to express my case...well..at the end this is what I ended up with...I would appreciate reviewing and critics...Many thanks in advance.

P.S.:for privacy reasons, I have deleted some of the info within
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------
Statement of Purpose
I am writing this statement to apply for .... PhD program at .... University for the summer of 2010.

My main academic goal in pursuing a PhD degree is to broaden and develop my scientific background to allow me to become an international-level researcher with highly specialized knowledge and expertise in the field of Computational Sciences. I feel that graduate study at ... will be the most logical extension of my academic pursuits and a major step towards achieving my goal.

Motivation

"Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today"... Malcolm X

I truly feel that the greatest contribution that I would be able to make to society in the future would be to distinguish myself in the area of Computational Engineering.

Inspired by my Professors and Doctor Engineers who graduated from Germany during my BSc. in Mechanical Engineering at the University of ...., I was very interested to pursue my master studies in Germany. After a great effort of searching for an interesting future field of engineering, I decided to study Computational engineering. I truly believe that this decision was the highlight to a whole new and remarkable turn in my career.

Background

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."... Maryanne Williamson

I completed my Master of Science in Computational Engineering in November, 2006 with a minor in Machine elements and conveying techniques from Ruhr-University of Bochum. As part of the requirements for this degree, I focused on the major courses: Finite element method (linear, static and dynamic), Mechanics (Continuum, Fluid, and solid), Numerical Methods in dynamics, and Design Optimization. My master thesis was a part of a research and development project of the company Bornemann, through which I was able to develop my experience in the finite element analysis software ANSYS. This experience groomed by theoretical knowledge attained during my Master studies enabled me later on to work on other analysis softwares like Abaqus and Nastran.

Upon completion of my master studies, I was very lucky to be accepted in a 3-month training program in Kïln at Tecosim GmbH -an engineering company with specialist expertise in Computer Aided Engineering (CAE) - that was my first real experience in an industrial environment. At the end of my training, I was hired as a full-time Computational engineer in the Static and Dynamic department where I have had the opportunity to work independently on many Finite Element Analysis projects such as:

-Thermal analysis of an exhaust manifold for FORD research and development center.
-NVH analysis of multiple KMT Gearboxes for Gertag Ford Transmission (GFT).

Unfortunately, due to private reasons I had to resign my position at Tecosim GmbH and fly back to .... Nevertheless, my short term stay in this very competitive environment has given me invaluable practical experience and has demonstrated that I am a fast learner and that I cope well with pressure and specific deadlines as can be seen in the work certificate that I was granted.

am currently working for SL-Rasch GmbH a company specialized in special buildings and light weight structures and one of the leaders in this field. The project in which I am currently involved as a quality control engineer is the shading of ...where large foldable umbrella structures are being installed in an overlapping arrangement to cover an area of approx. ...

At SL-Rasch GmbH, I had the chance to get a closer look to the reflection of the FEA and CFD performed through SL-Rasch for the umbrella structures on solid ground.

As my CV indicates, I have worked in several Mechanical oriented companies. I think that this professional experience in the industry is a big plus for me to succeed in my PhD, because I have acquired a set of very important "soft" abilities, crucial when it comes to work in business environments, but also very important in academic and research activities; since a close collaboration and a great bond between the industry and research institutes exits, especially in Germany.

I am now ready to further expand my own knowledge and experience in an academic setting and I am well aware of the considerable dedication, commitment and focus required to earn a doctorate degree. However, I care significantly about the discipline I have chosen and I know that I am consistent and able to commit to a difficult task for a long time.

Finally, I hope that my background and qualifications are found suitable for the ... PhD program at ... University. I look forward to a rewarding association with ....University.

I know what you mean about having trouble getting the words onto the page. If you are not inspired, you can't write anything that gives people a powerful experience. At the start of this, you take a long time to say something that should not take so long to say. The trick is to capture a cool thought that you have about what drives you toward computational science.

You can let them know what you need to let them know... and do it in an artful way. You really have to feel inspired, though, and I know you have inspiration because something is inspiring you to get into this field. Think of how this program to which you are applying is going to enable you to do some very meaningful things in life...

...has given me invaluable, practical experience...

Wow, your background information is so impressive!

However, I care significantly about the discipline... need to use a different word, not significantly. "Deeply" would work, but "care deeply" is a cliche.

In general, I would say the beginning and end of this are too.. general. Too vague... but your work and experience definitely make this impressive. I hope you'll transform the first part of this into something that makes the reader think about computational science in a new way -- but you can't fake inspiration, so... wait for it to come!

@ EF_Kevin [Moderator]

Many thanks for taking the time to check out my SOP ... I really appreciate it...I"ll try to do my best to enhance the beginning and end as per your advice...

Hello again,

I tried to change the intro for motivation as our Moderator EF_Kevin advised but it got even longer but clearer I guess. I would be grateful for your comments on the new one:

Motivation
"Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today"... Malcolm X
I truly feel that the greatest contribution that I would be able to make to society in the future would be to distinguish myself in the area of Computational Engineering.

I was always fascinated by mathematics and computers since my school days, a passion which grew stronger during my bachelor studies at the university of ... It was during the course "Engineering Numerical Methods" where I was first introduced to the field of Computational Sciences, a field which I found very impressive and very promising especially after doing a search on the web and reading a report on "RESEARCH DIRECTIONS IN COMPUTATIONAL MECHANIC" prepared by the United States National Committee on Theoretical and Applied Mechanics in September 2000.

Inspired by my Professors and Doctor Engineers who graduated from Germany during my BSc. in Mechanical Engineering at the University of ..., I was very interested to peruse my master studies in Germany.

My search for an interesting field in Engineering concerned with both mathematics and computers combined with my admiration for the academic staff during my bachelor studies led me to the final decision of pursuing a master degree in computational engineering at Ruhr-Universität Bochum.