My business in the healthcare industry-Health Informatics Statement of Personal Goals

This my first draft of Statement of Personal Goals.

Comments will be greatly appreciated.

After graduating from college with a Bachelor of Science in Computer Information Systems degree I began working as computer programmer for <XYZ financial corp>. My goal at the time was to gain experience as a programmer and within a few years earn a master's degree. Although this seemed like a good plan, I did not have a clear goal or vision about what I wanted out my career. I went on to work for a small consulting firm...

The first sentence is uninteresting. Can you precede it with a sentence that surprises the reader or plants an idea in the mind?

I went on to work for a small consulting firm where I worked on projects as a team lead and application architect.--- this is not the way to end the first para. Add a sentence at the beginning and end of the first para! :-)

The first sentence of para #1 hooks the attention, and the last sentence of para #1 should sum up the main idea that you want the reader to remember.

It is not necessary for you to follow that advice, but I think in this case it would help. Everyone writes in different ways, though...so it is wrong of me to talk about that as though that is the way you are SUPPOSED to write. But try it! :-)

Three years later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I took care of her during the entire treatment, and this occurrence sparked my interest in health care. ---I extended this so that it, as a paragraph's topic sentence, would be relevant to the main idea of the essay.

:-)

Thanks for the feedback, I'll be reworking that first paragraph.

Thanks again for the feedback. I made a few revisions and would appreciate it if you would give me some more tips.

Hey, I like the first paragraph, and I like this sentence, but I don't like the first para ending on this sentence. There is room to add another sentence, I think, so that you will be fully expressing your idea instead of leaving the reader hanging. Express the essays primary message at the end of that intro.

Okay, I changed my mind! Don't try to express the main idea at the end of that paragraph... Sorry, that may be a bad idea. Instead, I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph that HINTS at the lesson learned or the "moral of the story" but does not say it directly.

I see that at the end of the essay you do a good job of explaining...-------I believe that with m My experience in software development and health care I.T. will enable me to excel in the M.S. in Health Informatics program at ...

Thanks a bunch again. A couple of questions:

The first two paragraphs start with the word "Having", is that ok? It kind of bugs me so I changed the second paragraph to "After gaining experience as a team leader and application architect..."

The last paragraph the first two sentences start with "My", is that ok?

Regarding the last sentence of the first paragraph, I was trying to lead into the second paragraph, but I like your suggestion. Now I'm stuck trying to think of something to add hhhmmmm.

I made more revisions. Thanks for your feedback it has been very helpful.

Having spent time in hospitals and medical offices during my mother's breast cancer treatment, made me realize that the healthcare industry was where I wanted to focus my career. After graduating from college with a B.S. in Computer Information Systems, my goal at the time was to gain experience as a programmer, earn a master's degree and attain a management level position in information technology. Although this seemed like a good plan, I did not have a clear vision about what I wanted out my career. Personal and professional experience in healthcare has given me that vision and encouraged me to pursue a master's degree.

After gaining experience as a software developer and application architect, an opportunity to join a startup project at <XYZ Company> was presented to me. The project was for writing a prescribing application that ran on the PocketPC. The application had powerful features such as patient drug allergy alerts, drug formulary look ups and detailed patient information. Ultimately, for various reasons the project was unsuccessful and I decided to resign. However, the impact information technology could have on the healthcare industry intrigued me.

Three years later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I took care of her during the entire treatment and this occurrence sparked my interest in healthcare. During numerous hospital and doctor visits, I would think about that "little" prescribing application I worked on and how readily available information could be to doctors and medical staff. My mother's doctors and medical staff were excellent, but knowing that I had the technology background and that I could contribute to an industry in a positive manner made me decide that healthcare was where I wanted to take my career.

After my mother completed her treatment, I decided to start a technology consulting company with a focus in the healthcare industry. Through relationships that I had established over ten years in software development, I was able to gain a contract with <ABC Medical Group>. I have been providing software solutions for <ABC Medical Group> for five years now and as valuable as this experience has been, I believe that I have reached a limit with the services that I can provide.

My experience in software development and healthcare I.T., will enable me to excel in the M.S. in Health Informatics at <XYZ University>. My goal is to expand my business by providing software solutions that will help healthcare organizations improve health information management. The curriculum for the M.S. in Health Informatics degree from <XYZ University> will help me better understand I.T.'s role in healthcare and will prepare me to accomplish my goal.