Although this seemed like a good plan, I did not have clear vision about what I wanted out my career.
Hey, I like the first paragraph, and I like this sentence, but I don't like the first para ending on this sentence. There is room to add another sentence, I think, so that you will be fully expressing your idea instead of leaving the reader hanging. Express the essays primary message at the end of that intro.
Okay, I changed my mind! Don't try to express the main idea at the end of that paragraph... Sorry, that may be a bad idea. Instead, I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph that HINTS at the lesson learned or the "moral of the story" but does not say it directly.
I see that at the end of the essay you do a good job of explaining...-------
I believe that with m My experience in software development and health care I.T. will
enable me to excel in the M.S. in Health Informatics program at ...