My career ambition is to become a Transparency Officer - Motivation letter for UChicago

Motivation Statement: You will prepare a brief and well-articulated response to a prompted question regarding your motivation to pursue graduate studies in public policy.

With this letter, I would like to express my interest in applying to your Master's degree in Computational Analysis & Public Policy. My career ambition is to become a Transparency Officer enabling residents and businesses to become more digitally-engaged.

This originated from my favorite author, Kevin Kelly, who suggested the "Nine Laws of God" as a good method of system controlling. A team from my country managed the translation work of a book using Kelly's first law, "Distribute Being". However, feeling the translation to be poor, I had to read the original edition instead for a better understanding. This failed application of the theory to translation led me think deeply into how to properly implement a distributed system of intellectuals.

As my first exposure to Public Policy making, I picked the problem of "The Keep-Right-Except-To-Pass Rule" in the 2014 mathematics modeling contest. I was especially impressed that a crowded multi-lane freeway could actually be "free" on a platform of on-road automobile engagement with policy making and computer science. I want to study at your university and focus on CAPP because it will allow me to combine my desires to learn more about both applied computer science and policy implementation.

In June 2013, I was fortunate to go through the support policies for Small and Medium-sized Enterprises (SME) as an intern at Industrial Bank in Shanghai. I learned a great deal about China's new policies to help SME's growth. Negotiations through real-world casework developed my interaction abilities.

Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am sure to exceed your expectations because of both my academic and interpersonal skills as well as the experience gained from my internship. I will enrich the program by providing an international perspective, and my ambitious and open nature toward interdisciplinary studies will add more diversity to your program.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely,

Yuxiang Zhang

You are applying to graduate school, not college. This college application essay themed paper does not work in terms of presenting your motivation and purpose for seeking higher studies. Keep in mind that when you apply for masters or studies, you need to have completed at least a year and half on the job already and have actual work experience to present in terms of your goals and purpose for applying. Your essay does not work at all because it does not present the following important facets of such an application:

1. What is your current work experience and how does it relate to your interest in higher studies? (Your motivation)
2. How will completing higher studies help you improve your work talents or assist in your career advancement?
3. What kind of work related training, seminars, and / or classes have you recently attended (do not mention anything related to college studies) that would help you succeed as an advanced studies student?

4. How will completing these studies fit into your short and long term work related goals?

Your current essay relies too much on your past college experience and has no reference at all to your current work experience. This makes your application very weak and unworthy of consideration. This is not about past academic excellence, masters studies looks to the future and how your present becomes an effective foundation for that future.

But it's required as a MOTIVATION LETTER, so I find it must be different from statement of purpose or personal statement.
Plus, there is a 300 word limitation. So I should be brief and focus.

Your motivation should be mostly based upon your present and immediate past professional experience in the field of study that you are choosing to pursue. While your college accomplishments and interests may have some relevance in the development of your interest in this field, a masters degree requires you to present information about your interest in the work that developed due to your increased work load or desire to accomplish more in your chosen field. Work is the primary motivation those masters studies. Those hands-on experiences work better than college experiences and accomplishments in convincing the admissions officers that you will be able to succeed and complete the course. Mainly because your current work requires you to be motivated to achieve such advanced studies.

In addition, I am expected to graduate by the summer of 2015. So I can just say I have no work experience at all.
However, the program of UChicago does not require working experiences.

We are only here to advice and give our opinion based upon your written work. In this case, I can sense that you are already satisfied with what you wrote and you feel that it already meets the requirements of the school you are applying to. I was only trying to offer constructive advice that could help make your letter better based upon the most basic foundation of these motivational letters which also follow similar requirements as a statement of purpose. Feel free to use your version of the paper with your application. If I can just offer one last piece of unsolicited advice before I let you go. Try to develop your motivation in the first paragraph. What you wrote:


, just hangs there, incomplete. Try to explain how you plan to do this and why this plan has become a motivation for your higher studies. Everything else in the essay is alright.

I find your words make sense as my work experience will speak louder than my accomplishments and interests.

However, I feel it difficult to arrange my words well as the word limit is difficult for me as foreign languager. I just don't know where to start or which to dismiss.

I am a math student and capable as calculating and no much direct connection with policy making. However this program combines math and policy making. So my initial thought is to use those undergraduate experience to illustrate my interest

Okay. I see that it is the word count is what is holding you back. How many more days do you have to write this letter? The reason I ask is because I will be able to better help you write this letter if you don't think about the word count for now and just write all of the necessary information in your letter. Write everything that you think will help you present yourself as the worthy student that the prompt requires. Be as long and detailed as possible. I will then step in and assist you in lowering the word count to 300 or less while keeping the paper interesting and highlighting your motivation for your interest in enrolling in this masters course. Do you think you would be comfortable doing that with me? I'll help you only if you really want my help :-) I'm not forcing you to do anything here.