Chain management and me - Applying for Master studies in the United Kingdom

Personal statement, Career Goals

Hi everybody on EssayForum!
Below is my personal statement for applying master in supply chain management in UK, kindly let me know if you have any feedback.
Thanks in advance and wish everyone can receive offer from your dream school/jobs!!

Cordially, Ting

--------------------------------------Personal statement start from this line below----------------------------------------

My journey in the supply chain field started from an introduction by my Behavioural Finance professor. He recommended my first job in xxx Technology as a logistics coordinator, where I realised that supply chains play a critical role in a business and contribute to the organisation's strategic success. I have been determined to keep on this path ever since. My work performance at xxx Technology earned me recognition from a Fortune 500 company, which offered me a position in its replenishment department. I am now in charge of over 1,000 auto parts, planning monthly demand levels, monitoring inbound processes and analysing sales trends.

With vast exposure to the supply chain process in the global sourcing office, I have acquired considerable knowledge of the retail business model, learnt about the production process by visiting factories in different countries, and understood how to connect production operations between procurement and logistics on a daily basis. I aspire to learn about more aspects of the supply chain and to apply strategy consulting skills in my future career. During my time in these two roles (almost five years), I have always been eager to gain more professional knowledge in the relevant field, and have become particularly interested in supply chain strategies and data analytics, which strongly relate to my practice.

I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Finance from xxx University in 20xx. My finance background has equipped me with extensive analytical and numeracy skills, and I acquired critical abilities in both Finance and Supply Chains that helped me accomplish my career goals. During my studies, I learnt how to allocate financial resources to maximise value for shareholders, and that good supply chain management can help businesses gain a competitive advantage in the marketplace.

Campus life built my leadership capabilities in many ways. As a member of the Students' Association, I held a series of successful programmes and events for over 100 students, gaining massive experience along the way. Moreover, my two internship experiences were essential in developing both leadership skills and work ethic. One of the internships was in the xxx, where I learnt how to organise groups and convey a useful or inspiring message. The other was in xxx Bank, where I applied my academic knowledge to practical work.

Interacting with business professionals has made me realise that I need more advanced skills if I am to compete effectively in the global market. The University of xxx provides a sound environment for training a supply chain professional, which I expect to become in due course. I am impressed with the overall emphasis that the university's programme places on analytical and technical skills, including the diverse choice of courses in the optional modules and the collaboration schemes with industry. Through your esteemed programme, I am hoping to integrate theory with actual practice, and to contribute my extensive knowledge to reputable organisations.

Career Goals

I live in Taipei, a bustling city, so I love to step into the woods whenever I get the chance. I have spent over 150 hours in the mountains since last year; ten of these mountain peaks are above 3,000 metres in altitude. While standing on the top of Mt. Jade, the highest mountain in Taiwan, I realised that all the hardships endured while climbing up were worth it, because the view from the peak is unlike anything in the world. These are the core values that I invoke in my everyday behaviour. By constantly striving to grow and attain a higher position, I aim to achieve my ambition to work as a consultant specialising in sustainable supply chain management. I believe that the solid training provided by the postgraduate programme in Procurement and Supply Chain Management is key to achieving that goal, and that is why I am so keen to join this programme.

@Tingkkk
Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here will give you an idea of how to improve your writing.

While I find that the first paragraph is alright, I feel as though you could have focused more on the packaging of information in order to relay properly what you wanted to say. With personal statements, it would be better if the formatting started with a formal introduction of yourself rather than an anecdote. Afterward, you can start discussing your background in the field in the most comprehensible manner available. In this way, you will be able to immediately attract the readers without necessarily wasting time on anything else.

As for the introduction of your career goals, I find that you could have gotten better if you tried to really focus more on the technical angle of the discussion rather than giving a vague and creatively descriptive version of it. While I appreciate the usage of the symbolism of the mountains, remember that having an impact often means you have to show that you are committed and serious - hence, tackling the career goals in detail would leave you on a better footing than anything else.

@Maria
Thank you so much for the feedback!!!
Your comments are very valuable, especially pointed out the fact that my career goal is too vague!
I'll revise it and deliver my idea in a formal way.
Thanks:)