choosing our own destiny and leading our own life -penn education personal statement

Hi there, i have the first pat ready for my personal statement. However, i feel it is not strong enough. Can some one give me some ideas? I am applying for U Penn a master degree in education. Thanks so much.

I have a dream, that one day, when we will all be the one choosing our own destiny and leading our own life. And we will not call it "lucky". This is my hope, and this is the faith leading me being as an educator.

I grew up in the Chinese culture where mainstream value is always more important than your own. In 2008, I came to America for college. Even though, there was one of my high school teachers mentored me and aspired my interest in education, my parents advised me to follow their footsteps and be a business professional in marketing. After a semester, I realized that I would never be successful in this field since I had no interest in it at all. Supported by my American friends, I switched my major to education. This is the first time, I, as a foreigner, understanding the American culture-respect the uniqueness of everyone. Meanwhile, throughout the rest of college life, I kept on getting comments from friends and family in China such as " you wouldn't get a job" or " you wouldn't afford to pay the bills". My response would always be " I am doing what I love, and I want to be the one in charge of my life."

Four years passed, as of today, I am about to getting my bachelor degree. When I look back to my college experience, I am proud to announce I made the best choice for myself. If majoring in education changed the direction of my life then working in Junior Scholar Program evolved my interest in education into an aspiration and a pursuit for a career.

Just some grammar issues and better ways to phrase things. Overall, the content is good. Would you mind editing mine? I just posted a rough draft of my personal statement for uconn MPH. Thanks.

I have a dream, that one day, when we will all be the one choosing our own destiny and leading our own life. And we will not call it "lucky". This is my hope, and this is the faith leading me being as an educator. Good intro quote

I grew up in the Chinese culture where mainstream value is always more important than your own. INSTEAD- My experience growing up within Chinease culture taught me to follow mainstream values more heavily than my own. In 2008, I came to America for college. Even though, there was one of my high school teachers mentored me and aspired my interest in education, my parents advised me to follow their footsteps and be a business professional in marketing. INSTEAD- Despite mentoring of a high school teacher, inspiring me to become interested in education, my parents advised me to follow their footsteps and be a business professional in marketing. After a semester, I realized that I would never be successful in this field since I had no interest in it at all. Supported by my American friends, I switched my major to education. This is the first time, I, as a foreigner, understanding INSTEAD- understood the American culture-respect the uniqueness of everyone. Meanwhile, throughout the rest of college life, I kept on getting comments from friends and family in China such as " you wouldn't INSTEAD- you won't get a job" or " you wouldn't INSTEAD- you won't be able to afford paying bills afford to pay the bills". My response would always be " I am doing what I love, and I want to be the one in charge of my life."

Four years passed, as of today, I am about to getting- INSTEAD- get my bachelor degree. When I look back to my college experience, I am proud to announce I made the best choice for myself. If majoring in education changed the direction of my life then working in Junior Scholar Program evolved my interest in education into an aspiration and a pursuit for a career.