I'm really in bad need of help!!!
I'm writing my personal statment for MSF (master science of finance), and have problem with:
a) The structure, i want to start as a story and attract readers' attention. But my friend said it's inappropriate for P.S.
b) The last paragraph is a really unforgetable experience of mine, but seems i didn't showed enough related character of mine?
c) Some details may be too much, and some part of my PS seem lack of enough explanation?
d) Some gramma/wording problem.
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"We only consider post-graduate candidates," Dr. Wang told me.
I had skipped a class to attend Dr. Wang's press conference, but my time spent there certainly did not go to waste. After introducing myself to Dr. Wang, one of the leading members of the Top 500 Enterprises Research Center, I convinced her to consider me as a candidate for her assistantship.
To present for Dr. Wang for such a position was already a great opportunity, but I wanted to prove my sincerity, experience, and capableness (or "capability"?) during the interview as well. Two months earlier, I began to prepare an analysis to present to Dr. Wang. I decided to focus on China's dairy industry, specifically the marketing strategies of Bright Dairy, one of the Top 500 Enterprises in China, using the contrast analysis method based on marketing theory . I budgeted my time as follows: Two days to build a team of three passionate volunteers; one week to do background research, brainstorm a study frame, and make a clear-cut division of work; the following six weeks were (to be?) spent on data-gathering and quantitative analysis, from geographical distribution and wholesale prices to price structure and sales channels in different regions, from promotion methods of dairy companies to residents' buying power. To broaden my understanding of regional differences in this industry, I recruited six friends living in different provinces to help collect sales volume and consumer demand data. A significant amount of data was collected to back up our analysis. Qualitative analysis understandably did not go far beyond our initial capacity, but the first attempt at financial statements analysis and stock analysis took much effort: reading new books, consulting senior students, seeking advice from related professors. With two months' coordinated and efficient work, we came up with a comprehensive analysis .
Impressed by my resulting presentation, Dr. Wang granted (or made?) me an exception to her dgree-requirement and recruited me. Joining the research center then gave me access to some advanced programs that are not available to most undergraduates.
Working in the research center truly brought home the message "you get what you pay for": Gaining a clear understanding of a new company and its field given a limited time, picking up the courage to dial another cold call after fifteen failures to get an on-the-spot investigation permission, racking my brains for a solution to a company's problems from my base of theoretical knowledge and company's facts, working to midnight on a new model after finishing piles of school work and waking up to eagerly tackle a new day's challenge. All those projects not only tempered my analytic skills but also provided me with insight into China's industrial development on a micro-level. Realizing that China's manufacturing and industry sector is undertaking a transition toward provision of services, especially financial services, I see an opportunity for wider application of finance and risk management theory.
Learning knowledge from textbooks and practice is interesting, but only after I understood finance theory's practical importance and prospects for application was my fundamental curiosity about finance truly piqued. I felt my enthusiasm expanding and quickly adapted myself to this field without any difficulties. When some peers were struggling with the heavy, dense, and indigestible financial engineering books, one of the most difficult and comprehensive courses, I managed to correlate my basic knowledge of financial derivatives and some online materials to help our teacher to revise the textbook. After carefully examining and reflecting on each chapter, I came up with a four page report. I revised a total number of 47 mistakes, including some fatal formula misprints and flawed proofs. I feel so proud that my report is not only used by my peers, but will continue to be used by students in the following years. Later, after an in-class hedge fund simulation during which I learned more about the stock market in China, I independently wrote a research report utilizing recently-studied securities investment analysis. Trying my hand at writing the sort of report required of graduate students was challenging and (or but?) has given me both a taste of and a thirst for further study in this field. More advanced technical analysis should be used to make reliable forecasts, incorporating a broader knowledge and deeper understanding of finance is needed. That's what I hope to learn in a master's degree program.
With my good time management and the ability to prioritize, I also enjoy an active extracurricular life. I volunteer weekly, both in teaching in a primary school for children of migrant workers and tutoring American students in Chinese. I practice guitar and even founded a band to join Shanghai University of Finance and Economics' Top 10 Singers Competition and won the third place.. Having narrowly passed the semi-final competition and been considered unpromising by the judges, I felt even more energetic and determined to improve our performance. After all, we were already the top 18 among hundreds of competitors, all we needed is to leverage our potential and push the limits of our capability. Recognizing that our original sound was too simple for the judge's tastes, we added a harmonica and a Cajun drum, as well as a three-person vocal accompaniment. With daily individual practice and weekly rehearsal as group, under the guidance of a professional band, our band made an enormous and rapid improvement. Adding a storyline also made our performance more like a play than just a song. Our final performance was a real hit with the audience, and winning third place was a fitting reward for our continuous improvement and persistence.
I am well prepared to continue my studies in Finance at ___ university, and my enthusiasm for discovering new relationships and trends in China's industries and financial markets will contribute a greater depth of inquiry to the current scholarship at ____.
Hello,
You are applying to a MSF program. Because of this, you can breathe a little easier as the essay is not an integral part of the admissions process for these types of programs. However, your essay does need some grammatical and structural revision. You ramble from topic to topic with no real direction. To streamline this essay, write down the top 3 things that you want to convey to the reader. These three things should be things that are no covered anywhere else in your application. Continue to talk about your research and your plans post degree. However trying to cram everything into your SOP might make you appear as an unorganized applicant to the admissions committee.We can help you with this. -AAO
