Dear all,
I would appreciate some help to criticize my SoP. I am confused as how to contain all of these points completely within the 1000 word limit while still conveying a focused, sustained, and convincing narrative. Which one I should cut down and which one needs to be fleshed out more. Also with transitions, style, flow, and phrasing/word choices, given I am not a native speaker. This is my top choice so I want them to know every single reason of why I dream to join the program. Some experience points I have omitted will be put on my CV. I attach here the guidelines from my target school as a reference.
Any help would be very much appreciated! Thank you in advance.
Part 1: Introduce yourself, your interests and motivations
Part 2: Summarize your undergraduate and previous graduate career
Part 3: Discuss the relevance of your recent and current activities
Part 4: Elaborate on your academic interests
"Did he just play God?"
"Please describe your aptitude and motivation for graduate study in your area of specialization, including your preparation for this field of study, your academic plans or research interests, and your future career goals. Please be specific about why [campus] would be a good intellectual fit for you."
"Did he just play God?". That was my first thought when in May 2010 I learned that a team led by J. Craig Venter successfully created the first synthetic genomes that worked in a living organism: JCVI-syn 1.0. Although I understood this was not literally the case - as only the transplanted DNA were synthesized in vitro while the cellular machineries were already pre-existed - I was still enthralled since this seminal breakthrough not only it broke the boundaries on the definition of life as we know it, but more importantly, what we can potentially do with it. I saw the opportunity of plugging genes from different species into the minimal genome as a chassis; raising the prospect of building a "super-cell" with a pre-designed blueprint capable to do any programmed task, from producing useful chemicals to detecting toxic substances in the environment.
Around the same time, I received a copy of Nature Biotechnology, December 2009 issue which introduced me to the term "synthetic biology" and concepts such as metabolic engineering, standardization of genetic parts, and tunable genetic circuits. Upon further exploration, I learned on the success of Dr. Jay Keasling in synthesizing the precursor of antimalarial drug artemisinin in yeast. This allowed for a cost-effective production and more widespread use of the drug; potentially saving millions of lives. This profound achievement convinced me on the tremendous potential of synthetic biology to revolutionize the future. From that moment, I decided my career goal is to be a proficient synthetic biologist. And to obtain the necessary skills, I need to pursue a PhD.
I have been long fascinated on potential utilization of microbes for sustainability applications. For this reason, I did my undergraduate thesis at [XXX] studying oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses under the supervision of Dr. [supervisor 1]. Despite the slow start - due to the relatively lengthy time required to cultivate mushroom bodies for the experiments and frequent contaminations occurring which means repeating the entire procedure - I kept pushing forward by being more careful and learn from every mistake along the way. My data indicated that magnetic field of 0.8 mT increases fruiting body production by 17%, whereas 1.6 mT and 2.0 mT delay the mushroom harvest by 18 days. These results shed more light on fungal physiology and could be applied to improve mushroom production. From this first exposure, I learned that research can be frustrating, but the key to success is perseverance.
Eager to gain more research experience and be more competitive for PhD application, I enrolled in the [XXX] at [XXX]. My research project is on the development of Microbial Electrochemical Cells (MXC) for H2O2 production from organic waste, supervised by [supervisor 2]. Having had no experimental logistics ready as the project was just being commenced; I got the ball rolling by purchasing a simple H-type cell and along with [XXX], a PhD student in the lab, initiated a series of preliminary runs to familiarize ourselves with the setup. However, leafing through the literature, we realized there were not any standardized methodologies to MXC optimization. Unsure of where to start, I brought this to Dr. [supervisor 2] and he kindly advised me: "Just keep working in the lab and start failing". Indeed, this was exactly what happened. We had a dozen of failed iterations of MXC design before finally settled with two which permitted us an ease in operation, sampling, and data gathering. Inspired by a recent paper, we separated the optimization of each MXC chambers. During the cathodic optimization, we obtained the H2O2 yield of ~60 mg/L and current generation of ~8.0 mA using a RVC 80 cathode at poised potential of -0.5 V and high aeration after 3 h. Continuous MXC run using a mixed inoculum generated current after 18 days of operation, peaked at 3.5 mA (1.59 A/m2) at day 24. The pride is not only in seeing my contribution being recognized in a peer-reviewed publication, [journal name], but more importantly in learning that in research we must embrace uncertainty. There are many possible ways to approach a problem, but without trying, we will never know which one would work. We will never reach the goal.
In summer 2015, I pursued an internship project at [XXX], [XXX] under the [XXX] Certificate, as one of the first two [XXX] students selected for the program. My project is on techno-economic analysis of 1,4-butanediol (BDO) production from sugarcane molasses, supervised by [supervisor 3]. By adapting a design based on patents owned by [XXX] on BDO production methods using an engineered E. coli strain, I demonstrated that building a molasses-to-BDO plant in South Africa could generate ZAR 2 billion over 10 years, with ROI of ~720% and payback period of only 1.5 months. For much of the beginnings, I felt truly challenged due to being a student with no prior background on the topic, yet now having to finish in three months what a team of chemical engineering majors typically assigned for a semester. However, Dr. [supervisor 3] kept encouraging me that I more to learn rather than to get the right results. Reinvigorated by this support, I renewed my efforts thus completing the project on time; presenting my results as a technical report and two presentations to the research group. From these, I acknowledged that learning is a tiring endeavor, but the valuable knowledge to be obtained is always worth the pain. Hence, I have to always confident in myself, not be dispirited by any obstacles, and be willing to communicate in asking for help.
My achievements in Biology Olympiad competitions during high school have opened up possibilities I had never imagined before, and therefore, I would like to empower others who wish to pursue the same path. To achieve this, I have dedicated myself as an instructor at the [XXX], an organization that collaborates with the Ministry of Education and Culture to train high-school students to represent [country] for the International Biology Olympiad (IBO). Having been involved since my junior year, working in TOBI improved my time management skills which in turn helped me to overcome my poor grades at the end of my sophomore year. In my ten years of tenure, I have risen through the ranks to finally be appointed as one of the jury members from the [country] delegation for IBO 2018 in Tehran, Iran. My proudest moment was when my proposed problem was selected by the organizing committee as part of the theoretical exam, which was taken by 261 students from 68 countries. I enjoy sharing the excitement of biology with my students as well as helping them achieve their own academic success. Many of whom are already on the trajectory of becoming scientists themselves, both in [country] and abroad. Obtaining a Ph.D. will allow me to work in academia, teaching and inspiring more students, and eventually advance biological research in [country].
The Microbiology Graduate Program at [campus] is my top choice for doctoral studies. I found its interdepartmental approach very exciting as to give students a wide-range of research topics to choose from, all under one program. Having had stints in applied microbiology, bioreactor operations, and techno-economic analysis of biotechnology products, I am now keen to pursue the heart of synthetic biology itself: genetic redesign and manipulation of living systems. Primarily, I am interested in metabolic engineering of microorganisms to produce valuable products from sustainable feedstocks. I wish to pursue my work at [XXX] lab in engineering isoprenoid and fatty acid metabolisms in E. coli and yeast to produce biofuels. This would be of strong relevance to [XXX] as my country has been overly reliant on fossil fuels that every rise in gasoline price often leads to public uproar. I am also excited by the work of Dr. [XXX] on engineering pathways to convert plant biomass to biopolymers and Dr. [XXX] in natural product biosynthesis. I hope to be trained rigorously not only in microbiology, genetic engineering, and fermentation techniques, but also computational systems biology and high-throughput analytical methods. I am also ready to start widening my interests to different topics such as programmable genetic control systems. Specifically, I am interested in Dr. [XXX] work in redirecting carbon flux to improve pathway efficiency, Dr. [XXX] work in tunable RNA devices, and Dr. [XXX]'s work in protein engineering. Their expertise will provide me a strong background and mastery of tools to "play God" on microorganisms.
I was so fortunate having the opportunity to visit [campus] in spring 2016 to attend [XXX] and got the chance to interact with [XXX] himself. The strong affiliation of many Graduate Group in Microbiology faculty with the [XXX] and [campus] previous partnership in the [XXX] further convinced me that the school is the premier destination to pursue my interest in sustainability applications of biotechnology. Adding these to the warm weather, vibrant location close to a global city, and being one of the biggest biotech hub in the world, assured me more that I would feel at home in [XXX] and have all resources I need to grow and succeed to be a microbial engineer. After graduation, I plan to pursue postdoctoral studies in industry, and then go back to [country] to develop a bio-based economy through synthetic biology research and train a new generation of synthetic biologists.
I am confident I have the tools and the determination to excel in such a stimulating and challenging environment like [campus]. Through my diverse experiences I have grown into a versatile and adaptable learner, while retaining an intellectual humility to learn new knowledge. My extensive teaching experience would also supplement my PhD journey. I truly hope that [campus] will give me the opportunity to join the Microbiology Graduate Program.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 You can take this down to 1000 words if you simply review the essay and cut down in the content. You are being too informative, too detailed in explanation when what is required of you is just a 250 word paragraph for each specification. Whittle it down to the most important elements, highlight what needs to be highlighted, leave the discussions and contemplations at the door. Those are not required for such a presentation. The basic rule is, for a 1000 word essay, use no more than 250 words to respond to each requirement.
In my opinion paragraphs 1,4,7, and 8 can be edited for content and presentation. You can compress the information presented in these paragraphs by editing the content of each paragraph to compress the information in paragraph 1 and 4 then 7 and 8 into a single presentation. If necessary, try to compress the presentation of the paragraphs as best as you can. Again, create cohesive paragraphs rather than extremely detailed paragraphs. Your priority is to meet the word count by editing your content. Something that I cannot do for you because I am not sure which parts of this presentation are highlights and what you would consider for deleting or retaining. This is a highly technical paper that you must edit in order to preserve the type of presentation you want to show the reviewer as a graduate school candidate.
Dear @Holt , thank you so much for your feedback. Yes, I agree I must cut down many parts, especially for the paragraphs you are mentioned. I am just concerned because the SoP is the only place I can "sell" myself, that's why the essay became bloated as I tried to flesh out so many details. The parts I would rather retain are the "lesson learned" from my research experience (3, 4, 5). For the details/implications of my results, I definitely have to cut them down.
I want to compress paragraph 1 and 2 because they are simply describing describe what sparks my interest on the field. Paragraph 6 is to show my extracurricular activities which also happened to become my work experience, also to show that I am not only care about my goals, but also willing to help others (by teaching). Paragraph 7 and 8 were a bit challenging because I really want to mention every reasons I choose this program (it's my top choice), but if you think some of the reasons are just trivial, please let me know.
I would like to hear more feedback from you. Had the SoP stays as it is now, are there any awkward phrasing you found (I am not a native speaker). Are there any stronger/more impactful word replacements? Are there any sentences/clauses you don't have any idea what I'm trying to tell about? Also, assuming you are not from the same field (biology/biotech), simply looking at this essay in general, which parts are you suggest deleting because it serves nothing much to the whole presentation?
Thank you so much for your time and help.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 I understand all of the points you are making. However, I cannot offer you any more advice until you have completed the revision of the current essay. Otherwise the advice given will not be applicable to the essay that will be the result of the changes you are going to have to apply based on my previous set of instructions. Revise the essay as you wish to and then repost it here for another review. You have a clear idea of how you want to make changes so apply those and then we will see if we can already work on proof-reading and grammar editing. At this point, there is no need to change was is already existing.
With regards to your question, I already told you that this is a highly technical essay. The people who will be reading this paper are those with a background in the same field, so a layman's understanding of what was written is not going to be a problem for you. However, if you wish to simplify the wording, just in case a non-expert reads your paper, then go ahead and simplify your presentation. Like I said, it is too long and over informative anyway.
From the sounds of it, you are bucking the advice I gave you. You do not wish to follow it and you want to keep the paper as is. That is fine. I am not offended. This is your paper and it should be presented in what you think and believe highlights your skills and makes you more competitive as an applicant.
Dear @Holt, thank you again for your reply.
I'm sorry, I think I worded my questions wrongly (this is the disadvantage of written communication, no facial expression). In no way I am bucking from your advice, they are all very helpful to me, and I will definitely incorporating them to my revision. What I mean was, before I compressed the essay, maybe there are some blatant misuse of words/phrasing etc (that significantly detracts the reader from understanding the essay) that you could mention. So I could both compress the essay and correct some of the words at the same time.
But no worries, I would do your suggestion. I will compress the essay first as much as I can, trying to just keep the main points and some of the (I think) important details. I will try to post it by the morning (I'm at GMT+7). I look forward to hearing your advice again. Thank you so much for your time and help!
Dear @Holt this is my revision. As much as I could to my ability, it now still stands shy under 1200 words. I would like to hear your critic/feedback, maybe by rearranging some points, the 1000 words limit could finally be reached.
The pivotal point of my academic interest came when I first learned on synthetic biology. In May 2010, J. Craig Venter successfully led his team to create the first synthetic genomes in vivo. I was enthralled since this seminal breakthrough broke the boundaries on the definition of life as we know it. Using the synthetic genome as a chassis, I saw the possibility of plugging together genes from different species to create a programmable microbial cell capable of doing any programmed tasks, from producing high-value chemicals to sensing toxic substances in the environment. The accomplishment of Dr. Jay Keasling synthesizing the precursor of antimalarial drug artemisinin in yeast, allowing for a more cost-effective production and widespread use of the drug to save millions of lives, excited me even further. The tremendous potential of microbial synthetic biology to revolutionize the future galvanized me to obtain a Ph.D. and pursue research career on the field.
I have been long fascinated by the potential utilization of microbes for sustainability applications. In my undergraduate research under Prof. [3 words], I investigated oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses. Due to unexpectedly rampant contaminations, I had to repeat the already lengthy preparation multiple times which delayed my progress. By reducing the medium surface to shrink the exposed area for contamination, I solved this issue and successfully cultivate enough mushroom bodies for the experiment. My data indicated that a magnetic field of 0.8 mT increases fruiting body production by 17%, showing the potential of building a novel mushroom farming facility equipped with magnetic coils to improve productivity. From this first exposure, I learned that research can be frustrating, but the key to success is perseverance.
Eager to gain more experience, I enrolled in the [7 words] at [1 word] University. I worked to develop Microbial Electrochemical Cells (MXC) for H2O2 production from organic waste, supervised by Dr. [2 words]. Having had no logistics ready for the newly commenced project, I took the initiative by purchasing a simple cell and along with Mr. [2 words], a Ph.D. student, set off a series of preliminary runs to familiarize ourselves with the setup. Notwithstanding the lack of standardized methods to MXC optimization, we kept on building, testing, and improving our cell designs. During the cathodic optimization, we obtained the H2O2 yield of ~60 mg/L using a RVC 80 cathode after 3 h. Continuous MXC run using a mixed inoculum also generated a high 1.59 A/m2 of current after 18 days of operation. My contribution was recognized in [5 words]. More importantly, I learned that research demands persistence to overcome any uncertainty. With many possible approaches to a problem, we will never know which one would work unless we try.
In summer 2015, I did an internship project at [4 words], [2 words] under the [5 words] Certificate, as one of the first two [1 word] students selected for the program. My project is on techno-economic analysis of 1,4-butanediol (BDO) production from sugarcane molasses, supervised by Dr. [2 words]. By adopting a design based on patents owned by Genomatica on BDO production methods using an engineered E. coli strain, I built a proof-of-concept demonstrating that building a molasses-to-BDO plant in South Africa could generate [1 word] 2 billion over 10 years, with ROI of ~720% and payback period of only 1.5 months. The encouragement from my supervisor, that my goal is more to learn than getting correct results, motivated me to successfully complete the project on time despite having no prior background on the topic. I acknowledged that learning is a tiring endeavor, but the valuable knowledge to be obtained is always worth the pain.
Looking further back, my achievements in Biology Olympiad competitions during high school was a stepping stone to my career and has nurtured my passion in biology. Being privileged to this life-changing experience, I want to inspire the next generation in Indonesia and break the prevailing stigma that biology is a less-regarded discipline, only deal with memorizing scientific names and anatomical parts. For nine years, I have dedicated myself as an instructor at the [6 words], training young biologist to represent [1 word] for the International Biology Olympiad (IBO). Spending time with these enthusiastic kids motivated me to get back on track after struggling with my academics entering the sophomore year due to a heavier course load, allowing me to still graduate with a [number] GPA. Having risen through the ranks, at IBO 2018 I was appointed as one of the jury members from the Indonesian delegation. One of my proposed problem questions was selected by the organizing committee as part of the theoretical exam, which was taken by 261 students from 68 countries. With a Ph.D., I hope to expand my credentials and contributing to a wider and more diverse community.
The Microbiology Graduate Program at [2 words] is my top choice for its interdepartmental approach and housing many faculties working in my area of interests. Complimentary to my experience and previously acquired skill set, I am keen to learn the genetic manipulation of microbes to produce valuable products from sustainable feedstocks. I wish to pursue my work at Dr. [2 words] lab in engineering isoprenoid and fatty acid metabolisms in E. coli and yeast to produce biofuels. This would be of a strong relevance to [1 word] as my country has been overly reliant on fossil fuels that every rise in gasoline price often leads to a public uproar. I am also excited by the work of Dr. [2 words] on engineering pathways to convert plant biomass to biopolymers. I hope to be trained rigorously not only in microbiology, genetic engineering, and fermentation techniques but also computational biology and high-throughput analytical methods. I am also ready to widening my interests to programmable genetic control systems, specifically Dr. [2 words] work in redirecting carbon flux to improve pathway efficiency and Dr. [2 words] work in tunable RNA devices. Their expertise will armed me with a strong mastery of synthetic biology tools to exploit microorganisms for the human benefit.
I was so fortunate to visit [2 words] in spring 2016 for the [7 words] and got the chance to interact with Dr. [2 words] himself. The strong affiliations with the [4 words] and previously the [4 words] further convinced me that [2 words] is the premier destination to pursue research on sustainability applications of microbiology. The vibrant location as one of the biggest biotech hubs in the world assures me I would feel at home in [1 word] and have all resources to grow and succeed to become a microbial synthetic biologist. After graduation, I plan to pursue postdoctoral studies in industry and then return to [1 word] to develop a bio-based economy through synthetic biology research and train a new generation of synthetic biologists.
Having a history of commitment to excellence, I am confident I have the tools and the determination to grow as a mature and productive scientist at [2 words] . I truly hope that [2 words] will give me the opportunity to join the Microbiology Graduate Program.
