Doctorate degree, knowledge in materials chemistry: The benefit for my country.

Hi, I am trying to finish my Essay.

"I would like to gain a deeper knowledge in materials chemistry by taking PhD in the United States. This country has many universities that offer research intense programs in material chemistry that focuses in design and synthesis of new materials by applying a variety of disciplines such as polymers, inorganic, biotechnology and engineering. These studies are supported by expert professors, good curriculum and complete laboratory facilities. I believe that would be the best place for me to be.

I believe with my Doctorate degree, I can contribute significantly for research in Indonesia more than now. I want to raise the research in Indonesia that is recognized internationally. The research in Indonesia is only following the trend and very few Indonesian scientists are internationally recognized. This is due to a lack of government attention to the world of research that appeared to lack of funds allocated for research. According to Wise list of Index of Leading Scientists and Engineer issued by COMSTECH (Standing Committee on Scientific and Technological Cooperation), only 6 of Indonesia recognized scientists in the world of over 200 million inhabitants of Indonesia. From the number of international papers published, the productivity is very low. According to a scientific institution, Thomson Scientific based in Philadelphia, United States, from the number of scientific papers published in international journals, Indonesian State ranks fourth in the ASEAN with a difference of paper number far enough from 3rd rank. Hence, I aspired to becoming a scientist and with real achievement and I dreamed that one day Indonesia will become world center for research."

Hmm...I may not be a genius in grammar but I think I think I can help you in grammar for some parts of your essay.

Firstly, there should not be a " at the beginning of your second sentence.

Secondly, at the start of the second paragraph, I believe that with my...

Thirdly, instead of saying "I can contribute significantly... Indonesia more than now", I think it will be better if you rephrase it as "I can contribute significantly more to Indonesia in the area of research than now."

Next, instead of "raise the ... internationally.", I would have phrased it as "raise the amount of regconition the international community gives to Indonesian research and development."

Moreover, I think your sentence ,"This is due to a lack of government attention to the world of research that appeared to lack of funds allocated for research." is trying to imply that because of the lack of govenment attention to research, little funds are allocated to it. If I were to assume that is what you wanted to say and that your details are correct, I will just rephrase your " that appeared to lack of funds allocated for research" to " causing a lack of funds allocated to research.".

Following that, your phrase,"only 6 of Indonesia recognized scientists in the world of over 200 million inhabitants of Indonesia." could be rephrased as " only 6 out of the 200 million inhabitants of Indonesia are regconised scientists."

In the last sentence, you should add an "a[/i]" between "[i]become" and "world"

Last but not least, with respect to what you have written, please do say that the productivity of Indonesian scientists is low. I think you should have said that with more scientists, Indonesia can raise its level of research or something. (sorry, I can't think of the word now)

I can't think of anything to add to your content though. Really Sorry. Hope what I gave you was useful.

Thank you very much Zhiyang :-)

"I would like to gain a deeper knowledge in materials chemistry by taking my PhD in the United States, where This country has many universities that offer research intensive programs in material chemistry and focus on design and synthesis of new materials ...----- let's add a little more to this last sentence of the first paragraph: I believe that would be the best place for me to be, because __________.--- add a phrase that shows your professional intentions.

I believe w With my Doctorate degree, I can contribute significantly for to research in Indonesia. more than now . I want to raise the research in Indonesia so that it is recognized internationally. The research in Indonesia is only following ...

... that one day Indonesia will become world center for research."---- This is a great vision for the future, and I'm glad to have been able to see this essay! Your aspiration is quite impressive, so work hard!

Zhiyang
"I would like to gain a deeper knowledge in materials chemistry by taking my PhD in the United States, where This country has many universities that offer research intensive programs in material chemistry and focus on the design and synthesis of new materials

....I believe with my Doctorate degree, I can contribute significantly for to research in Indonesia.
Try a more confident sentence such as " My doctoracte degree will allow me to significantly...