An Email to Preferred Supervisor - Requirement to apply Master Degree in Japan

I am struggling to make my first contact with professor, especially I do not have any experience to communicate with japanese. Help me please to correct this email and maybe you can also give tips for emailing in academic context.

first contact with an educator

Dear Professor xxxxxxx,

I graduated from xxx university in xxx with a Bachelor's degree xxx, in 2015. I am considering applying to International Course in Urban and Regional Development in xxx university with focus on area in urban and regional planning.

I have read some journal articles that you as well as your research team wrote. I really enjoyed it, especially I have done studying the similar community development problem, which is the level of capacity stakeholders in xxx, as an undergraduate's student. Among these articles, xxx, which its whole content is comprehensive enough, is the one that drawing my attention to design my future research.

Actually one of my special interest is about tourism planning which I urge to study specifically in urban planning contexts, such as infrastructure and policies. I have explored this interest intensely in college and at work which makes my speciality more determined as an urban planner. My research idea relate with The Identification Elements in Urban Areas to promote Tourism Competitiveness.

I believe that through your supervision and with the help of your research team, my future research could be widely beneficial.

I hope you do not mind that I would like to inquire whether you think it would be possible to bring this line research.
If it is proper, would you willing to give me a bit more advice about applying this course. If you have any further questions, please contact me using the information below.

I am looking forward to your response soon, thank you.

Regard,
xxx

Uta, you are trying to convince this professor that he would make the best or that he is the best suited supervisor for your thesis in Japan. While you must show that you are familiar with the work of this professor and that you are impressed by his achievements and that you hope to learn more under his mentoring, you must first, need to convince him that your research thesis is important and has a direct relationship with either his previous accomplishments or, has a direct relation to a current project that he working on. The reason that you choose a certain professor to mentor you is because you believe that you can learn from him as an unofficial teacher. Therefore, before you ask him about possible research assistant positions in his office, you first have to convince him that your path is on the same road as his.

The current presentation of your essay shows your excitement and uncertainty. What you need to show is passion and conviction in your beliefs, your research, and your words. Sell yourself as a professional who is on equal footing as the professor instead of this excited but not really coherent manner of presentation. You will need to write a totally new essay after you have calmed down. That way your tone can be professional instead of childlike, hopeful rather than uncertain. I look forward to reading your revision.

Please find below corrections.

My research idea relate relates with
advice about applying for this course.

Hope it helps!

I am considering applying to the International Course... urban and regional planning area.
... especially I have done studying some studies about the similar ...
... is the one that drawing drew my attention to ...
If it is proper, would you be willing to give me a bit some advice about applying to this course.

Thanks for your suggestion, since it really helpful to me to notice some critical point, and I have just finished revision. Help me please to correct this email for the second time.

In the first paragraph, when you open the statement, talk about thinking about doing research before you tell the professor when you graduated. Say "I have been thinking... since I graduated in..." Switch the second paragraph to the "I have read your journal article..." instead. That creates more of a continuous feel for the discussion. Don't say that you enjoyed it. Discuss the relevance of his research to your course and then slowly introduce the actual focus of your research and its connection to his previous research article.

I am not sure if the briefness of the succeeding paragraphs are owed to the fact that you are trying to protect some information, or these are really hanging sentences instead of full paragraphs. In which case, you really need to develop the content of the paragraphs in order to convince the professor that your research will blend well with his part or current research. The blending will have to do with how your research can help to strengthen his own work that you read.

Do not mention his faculty portfolio. That is rude. Instead, discuss how you have heard about how his research team works well and that you hope to add to the strength of his team because of (state your assets as a researcher or assistant researcher).

Clarify what you mean by bringing your line research. I think you want to ask him if you can collaborate with his team because of the commonalities of his research right? In that case, be explicit. Say so.