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'essential step for my transition' - Essay for Master of Finance application

terran190 1 / -  
Mar 30, 2016   #1

I am in the process of applying for a master of finance program and would like to get some feedbacks for my 1 page essay to make it stronger. Appreciate your help.


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master of Finance program in XXX University. I believe the program will be an essential step for my transition from my current job as middle office manager to my long term career goal as a portfolio manager for a global hedge fund.

My 5 years of experience in middle office/ operations department has given me a good balance between theory and practical knowledge of financial instruments. I have gotten the reputation as one of the strongest subject matter experts in my department in term of technical knowledge, this trait and my client service skill helped me achieve the Employee of the Month Award and get promoted 3 times in just 4 years to become manager of a team of 16 members. Moreover, I always place great emphasis on developing my staff's knowledge and skills by conducting training sessions and encouraging my team members to expand their knowledge. As a result, my team has become one of the best performing teams in the department and this has enabled us to take on a few most important clients of our office.

I believe that apart from professional experience, extra-curricular activities played an important role in shaping my skills and personality. My experience in leading a case study group in university helped me learn business theory and at the same time develop some of my vital skills. I learnt how to analyse and solve complex problems, how to present and defend my ideas and how not to make decisions based on too little information. I also appreciated the benefits of a diversified group in which teammates from different backgrounds can challenge each other's ideas and come up with innovative solutions. I also took active roles in XXX Basketball club by serving as captain for 1 year and as assistant coach in 2 other years. The experience developed not only my physical health but also my leadership skill and my work ethics by establishing myself as the hardest worker and the exemplary leader of the team.

Having reviewed the course structure, I believe that the Master Course in Finance at XXX University will be a highly valuable experience to me. The program offers a combination of theory knowledge and practical knowledge that can help me in understanding the complex structure of financial markets as well as how to manage different instruments used by financial institutions. Furthermore, the strong network of over 40,000 alumni around the world and the statistics of 27% of alumni working in trading/sales/structuring give me a strong confidence that XXX Master in Finance will be the best fit for me to reach my career goal in front office trading.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I am eager to gain new experiences, improve my knowledge in finance and contribute to the program. I believe I can enrich the program by bringing inside knowledge of finance industry in general and hedge fund administration in specific and by bringing diversity into the program with my unique background of having stayed and worked in 2 countries.

Thank you for your consideration. I am looking forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Mar 31, 2016   #2
Hi Terran190, WELCOME to Essay Forum, I would like to make mention that I am rather pleased in reading your essay, I believe being in the financial world is never easy, the competition is very high and it's a world dominated by men.

Well, the writing field is somehow challenging too, even the native speakers are having a hard time mastering the language more so in writing.

Going back to your essay, the first 3 paragraphs are written strong, however, towards the end, it became weak and did not have much content. I believe what happened is that you were too engrossed to your essay that you missed the important parts of it and you got all the pertinent information written already that you have not anything to write in the end to conclude your application letter.

The revision of this letter should be focused on the achievements, academic and professional, your goals and aspiration, not only for yourself but more so to the company you are part of and will be part of in the future, this will show your immense interest not only for personal gain but also to serve the community you belong, this however should only be written in outline and not on full details and this will shorten the essay as well as omit the unnecessary information.

I hope my insights helped.

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