Hi all. I am new in this forum and here is just a really first draft of my personal statement. I have done it in a rush, so excuse for my poor writing. I really appreciate and need all of your help in this as it has been a headache for me! thanks =)
A little backgroud - I am from HK and looking for a finance master in London. I am now an accountant.
The plane gradually landed with all the passengers getting ready to get off board. As a regional business analyst, it is one of my job duties to visit offices located in different countries to better understand their financial performances. I have lost count of how many times I have been traveling outside my home country - Hong Kong, yet I always feel excited to embrace in the new working environment when I had the first glimpse of the new city. I have a strong desire to experience my life with global insights with 'my eyes through the world' - pursuing further studies overseas in finance would therefore be my next stop. I walked out the aisle, and it reminded me the first time I traveled abroad for the International YangQin Music Festival when I was ten.
Born and raised in Hong Kong, I was lucky to be bombarded with a mix of cultures. Since my childhood, I have been fond of music, especially the musical instrument that I play - YangQin. I have won in a lot of competitions, suffice to say the awards made me the best player in the city. It was my greatest achievement until I was given the opportunity to fly over to Slovakia for the International YangQin Music Festival, where all YangQin players worldwide gathered and performed. I was deeply amazed by how people across the continents had interpreted the instrument through their own culture. At the age of ten, it struck me so much the greatest achievement - winning the competitions in the city was just nothing on the international level. In order to be successful in life, I need to strive for the best with 'my eyes through the world', not only to be the best in Hong Kong. '
To broaden my exposure, I joined my university's summer exchange program. I studied in Italy for a summer, and spent two months backpacking around Europe. There I met a lot of interesting people from other countries, which further fueled my desire to break the boundaries of this one city called Hong Kong.
After graduation I entered the accounting field, and now after three years, I will soon attain my qualification as a Certified Public Accountant. My first job in PricewaterhouseCoopers provided me valuable practice in auditing. The most eye-opening experience was when I engaged in the special project of the local authority for Lehman Brothers' Minibonds after its bankruptcy. Many investors claimed that the Minibonds were malpractice by retail banks selling them as low risk products. Other than gathering information for further compliance investigations, it hit me as an epiphany that how investment decisions can actually affect one's life with such unpredictability. I realized how important it is to understand the dynamics behind the financial market and economy.
After PricewaterhouseCoopers I joined Intertek, a leading laboratory Testing Company, as a business analyst in the regional finance department. I have developed my analytical skills in handling the financial statements. I have also begun to question how these numbers transform into investments decisions. With all the places I have been, from London to India, I always return home wondering how the global economy have impacted different finance markets and what were the strategic decisions made behind.
Being a major in Marketing and Management while now working in the accounting profession, what I lack is the financial market knowledge which can provide me with global insights for future business. I have a good ground in accounting with my professional experience. However, I wish to pursue a degree in finance so that I have context to how financial markets function at a macro level. I would like to transfer my professional accounting knowledge into the financial industry, particularly in the corporate finance area. With my goal to be successful beyond Hong Kong, I decided to further my professional studies overseas.
When I was searching for financial master degree programs in UK, favorable reviews about the XX's Business School are overwhelming, particularly on the quality of the professors and job opportunities upon graduation. I truly believe University of XX l is a wise choice in furthering my career and allow me to "see through the world" across the continent. I simply cannot wait to land in this new place to learn and explore.
Please help :( i know my writing is really crap for this very very preliminary draft
but really appreciate any opinions so I can get some ideas on how to improve, thanks!
You are an excellent writer!
I did notice what seems to be a grammatical error in the beginning of your second paragraph.
'Since my childhood, I am fond of music and play the Chinese musical instrument - Yangqin and participated in the orchestras'
I think you mean 'and have participated in orchestras' or 'and have participated in orchestra'
Some other grammatical errors occur:
'I was deeply amazed by how this classical instruments being transformed in the modern days'
'At the age of ten, it striked me so much that my achievement'
'I joined a summer exchange program during my college's life'
Thanks Miranda! Your comments mean so much to me and give me some confidence =)
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes - i was in a rush when I wrote this =p
However, do you think the whole idea is okay and convincing? Because I only focus on my interest to study abraod rather than choosing the finance courses.
What about the term ' Eyes through the world'? Is it a bit weird?
Any comments are welcome :)
I found your personal statement to be interesting. Since it is a personal statement, I think that it is okay to express that in any way that you choose. This is a good way to stand out from the rest.
The term is fine as long as it adds something to your statement and is used effectively.
Thanks Wendy! ur comments are valuable.
What do you think abt the message i wanna convey here with the story in the second paragraph?
I try to go into the direction with 2 messages
1) I wanna hv international exposure
2) Change from accounting to finance
What do you think?
I will try to add some more details to support... well I will upload one edited version soon.
Thanks,
Gloria
'I was deeply amazed by how this classical instruments being transformed in the modern days'
'At the age of ten, it striked me so much that my achievement'
'I joined a summer exchange program during my college's life'
it is good :D
thanks Heeseung
wt do u thk abt the idea as a whole and the writing style?
I have lost count
of how...
I walked out on the aisle,
and it actually reminded me the first time I travelled abroad for the international yangqin music festival when I was ten.
wt do u thk abt the idea as a whole and the writing style?
Good, but it lacks structure. Add a sentence to the first paragraph that can explain to the reader what the message of the essay is. Can you look at this essay and write a sentence that tells the main idea? That kind of sentence, written in both the intro and conclusion, can provide STRUCTURE.
:-)
thanks Susan :)
I think I would add more details abt y I wanna study finance in the last two paragraphs from my working experience. Probably adding some points abt I have a chance to involve in local authority abt the Lehman Brothers. But I have a question whether I could well structure the two ideas - my interest in study overseas and interests in finance. Will I be too confusing?
Hopefully I can upload an edited version, thanks everyone! really appreciate ur help!
my interest in study overseas and interests in finance. Will I be too confusing?
It is not confusing. It is not 2 ideas. It is one idea. You have a particular interest, and it is like a story the reader can enjoy. The reader can enjoy your interest in going overseas and studying finance in a new setting so that your learning experience, with "global insights," can be profound.
I think you did a great job with this new draft.
:-)
Thanks Susan, how about the choice of words /sentence structure or any grammatical mistakes?
Thanks :) I think I will submit this one real soon without much changes. Thanks everybody!
Dear all, my friend helped me edited as below:
He thinks mine is way too long and occupies 4 pages (double space). He said normally its only 2 pages. So what do you all think? Which part should I cut?
Thanks!
Great job here... you are impressive! Work to find places you can trim away excess and make it sleek----> I have lost count of cannot counthow many times I have been traveling outside my home country- Hong Kong, yet I always feel excited to embrace in the new working environment when I had the first glimpse of the new city. ---See, but omitting some words, you let the reader come to conclusions on her own. It livens up the reading.
I simply cannot wait to land on in this new place to learn and explore.
You are so impressive; I have no doubt that one way or another you will be very effective and successful.
Thanks Susan:) I ended up trim down to the below version in order to keep it 2 pages double spaced (It literally takes up full 2 pages already)
. Bascially cut off last sentence in para 2, first sentence in paragraph 3 , large part of para. 4 and last paragraph. Wt do u thk?
I hope the flow is still okay. Pls comment.
The plane gradually landed with all the passengers getting ready to get off board. -- I don't know why I did not think of this before, but this sentence is to plain (not to be confused with plane!). I think you can replace that sentence with the most interesting sentence you can write! :-) and that will make the whole essay better.
...it hit me as an epiphany how internal control procedures and social responsibilities the retail banks can impact the stakeholders. ----I like this a lot because of the great rhythm! It hit me as an epiphany... very good writing, there...
I want to take out just one part:
it hit me as an epiphany how internal control procedures and social responsibilities the retail banks can impact the stakeholders. ---It did not really fit. Maybe the sentence is better without it?
... how finance markets interrelated with accounting and what strategic decisions were made behind the scenes.
:-)
Um..the first sentence...how about "The plane gradually landed and I couldn't wait to get off board." ? ( to describe the excitement and match with the last sentence?)
Oh... to match the last sentence you need to really use a VERY unique word that the reader will remember throughout the essay.
I think you can come up with one! Extend the metaphor... of landing in a new place... extend the metaphor so that it includes some unforgettable concept that the reader will recognize at the end and remember from the beginning. It has to be more complex than "landing in a new place."
:-)
