Hi,
I am having problems in editing, formatting and polishing my SOP. I hope my problem will be solved here.It would be appreciated if you could help me get my SOP cleared from all faults. Below is the said document....
Statement of Purpose
Rohit Shukla
My achievements in academics and professional life were inspiring and generated intense desire in me to further my knowledge. After working in the financial industry for over 4 years in various positions and organizations, I found myself inclined towards finance hence decided to pursue the next level of education in Finance. I aimed M.Sc Finance full-time program offered by London School of Economics. The reason behind choosing this course is its unique design, compatibility to my academic pursuits and career aspirations.
World of finance is very big and I gained micro level knowledge from my father. I came to know two feature of finance, "stock market" and "income tax" from my father but it was not fascinating at that time for me. I was motivated by my brother and sister and like them I also wanted to pursue my under graduate studies from one of the top universities in India. Hence I joined Loyola College, ranked no 1 in 2000-2001, offered B.Sc statistics program. Statistics as major was integrated with financial accounting and economics and helped me gain unassailable analytical skills. The course work provided me with a complete set of mathematical and computational tools that can be applied to solve real life problems. I received a comprehensive knowledge of calculus, differential equations, linear algebra, numerical analysis, probability, optimization theory, algorithms, data structures and programming languages. I had done a variety of courses and projects and enjoyed the diverse experience.
As a part of curriculum I did my internship at Shriram fertilizers and chemicals. My work was recognized by my mentor and as suggested in my report the idea of minimizing the firm's loss in production was successfully implemented. My research report was based on data that were collected from production units with estimated facts and figures of firm's daily as well as yearly loss at the time of production and packaging as a result, the firm minimized its loss from 100-150kg per day to 5-10 kg per day. I was awarded the highest grade in this project.
Soon after my graduation I got first break in AD Softex as a mortgage analyst. AD Softex used to outsource mortgage loan processing from its India unit. Being in mortgage I gained immense knowledge of mortgage loan and processing. In US mortgage loan pools are comparatively very big in size and complex in nature and needs assiduous efforts and punctilious analysis of all kind of loans application. I enhanced my acquaintance with mortgage industry and understanding about the conventional rules and standards that needs to be maintained while evaluating the applications and impact on business and market causing through default. However, Softex like other financial institution used to insure itself from any possible shortcoming. This process is quite complex where Investment Banks, despite of knowing the associated risk factor, provide insurance and hedge the risk of such financial institutions. I always used to wonder why investment banks find these deals lucrative and take the risk on its balance sheet. My inquisitive nature actuated me to know more about the role of Investment Banks in securitization.
It was a wonderful experience in Softex which helped me answering my questions as well gave me direction with new set of questions to resolve. To learn more about this industry, I joined Coalition Dev (Knowledge Management consulting) and enjoyed many responsibilities and different positions. Coalition as a financial service provider has client across the globe mainly Investment Banks, Asset Managers, Hedge Funds etc. I made the possible use of my opportunity and enhanced my knowledge in this domain to a great extent. Being in Business Intelligence I handled many projects under me. I undertook responsibility to serve one of the most prestigious Investment Banks as per their requirement and won the contract for two years. I developed management information system for India unit and provided comparative figures of productivity across regions which enabled management to get clarity thus to take necessary steps to improve efficiency with 100 percent utilization of resource. I was known to be the best in executing projects alone and managed to handle many of those like client analysis, competitor analysis, market intelligence and rapid risk profiling using financial mapping tool. My good rapport and recognition fetched me offer from the Head of Coalition when he decided to establish his own firm. He hired me away from Coalition to join him and help him because he recognized me as one of the best in Coalition.
I joined Axience as a first of employee of the firm. The most beneficial aspect of working in a startup is that you get copious opportunity to work on various projects and learn to get through different phases while building a system. I gained versatile experience and immense knowledge on working different projects under different department. My most successful attempt was when I worked on the very first project of business intelligence, mapping Investment Banks in India and accomplished it diligently as per the client expectation. I also worked with structured finance team quite often in modeling and surveillance report, especially on short deadlines, and had been a major supportive factor and only point of contact in critical situations. My area of responsibility ididn't limit me uptil here, knowing my caliber and responsible approach, I was asked to initiate on pilot projects of business development, eventually setup the base and standard operating procedure for the unit. Besides, I worked in a team to build exotics derivatives pricer. I was appreciated for providing essential inputs and for taking various responsibilities to build the system. Though inspiring but insuffici`ent to quench my thirst to know more about finance and market.
To acquire utmost knowledge in the domain of finance I joined Lehman Brothers in its equity derivatives middle office hub. I got the real taste of finance in Lehman and learnt to manage the risk. It was challenging, intellectually stimulating and demanding as we were the only point of contact for front end and back end. With sound understanding of product and structure this business requires multidisciplinary knowledge of economics, mathematics and technology. I could employ the knowledge I have gathered in Loyola College and from my past experience to maximum use. I was awarded for taking additional responsibilities and appreciated by the management for saving firm's $5 million from trader's end through pending trades. My responsibilities included control of trade booking, analyze profit and loss, risk associated with products, reconcile trader positions and verify traders' estimated risk position and P&L. I got a comprehensive exposure to derivatives industry in practice. Apart from my job responsibilities, I also initiated and achieved the target to build well synchronized, efficient and flawless risk management system in various dept.
The experience at Lehman has enhanced my knowledge of the finance industry. Interaction with other teams like settlement, sales, legal, structuring, senior traders, technology etc gave a complete picture. I was fortunate to meet some of the experts in the industry and listening to their experiences was very insightful. Besides gaining the knowledge of derivatives and the latest in technology, I also cultivated some other soft skills which are very necessary for success in finance industry like working under pressure, expectation management, effective communication in a culturally diverse environment and presentation skills.
Few years down the line I see myself as a financial analyst in financial services industry with complete knowledge of this field. I want to hone my analytical skills and strengthen fundamental concepts so that I can bear any challenge industry throws at me. I believe that pursuing master degree in finance from London School of Economics is the right step to achieve my long term goals. I see an unparalleled opportunity to grow intellectually under the able guidance of the distinguished faculty and association of other students with similar motivation. Also, I believe to contribute and share my experience to benefit my peers who have interest in those areas and would be able to spread the fame of LSE across the globe. I strongly believe that the mentoring I will receive at LSE will provide me with expertise which is in harmony with my vision. It will be a privilege to have an opportunity to interact with the best at LSE and I possess the required diligence and enthusiasm to emerge with flying colors.
Thanks & Regards,
Rohit
Try to condense what you want to say. For instance:
"My achievements in academics and professional life were inspiring and generated intense desire in me to further my knowledge. After working in the financial industry for over 4 years in various positions and organizations, I found myself inclined towards finance hence decided to pursue the next level of education in Finance. I aimed M.Sc Finance full-time program offered by London School of Economics. The reason behind choosing this course is its unique design, compatibility to my academic pursuits and career aspirations."
could be reduced to
"Four years of working in the financial industry have convinced me that the best way to further my career is to earn an M.Sc Finance from the London School of Economics."
without losing much. The same is true of much of the rest of your essay. Decide what information you want to convey in your SOP, then write that up, using as few words as possible. This will greatly strengthen your essay, and make it much easier for you to edit.
I think you should cut the first sentence and start with the second one. The first sentence is boring, but the second one draws me into your story.
Like Sean said, it is SO easy to trim away he extra, like pruning a tree:
After working in the financial industry for over 4 years in various positions and organizations, I found myself inclined towards finance. hence decided to pursue the next level of education in Finance.
Here are some other corrections and ideas:
The world of finance is very big, but I gained micro-level knowledge from my father. When I was a teenage r, I came to know two features of finance: "stock market" and "income tax" from my father -- but they were not fascinating for me at that time.
However, Softex, like other financial institutions , used to insure itself against any possible shortcoming.
Few years down the line, I see myself as a financial analyst in financial services industry with extensive knowledge of the financial services industry.
