'I have been fortunate enough to have my grandmother be a part of my life' - PA school motivation

Hey all! I would love some editing/feedback on my graduate school entrance essay. I want to go to PA school.

While growing up, I have been fortunate enough to have my grandmother be a part of my life. As I grew from a young adolescent to an adult, my physical strength improved over the years, however, I witnessed the decline in my grandmother's physical strength, ultimately leading to her loss of independence. When I started college, I often took my grandmother to her medical appointments. During a particular visit, my grandmother saw a curly-haired, young brunette named, Katie, she was a Physician Assistant. I keenly observed the interaction between my grandmother and her: she spoke to my grandmother with intelligence, compassion, and patience. She diligently seemed to familiarize herself with the injury that my grandmother sustained from falling and maintained a reassuring, loyal demeanor each time my grandmother subsequently saw her. With the medical advice and mode of treatment Katie recommended for my grandmother to follow, my grandmother obtained the utmost comfort she could. Seeing improvements in her strength and mobility was the catalyst for my interest in becoming a Physician Assistant.

Although I have spent years forming supportive relationships, I believe that I have a long way to go to reach where Katie has. She was able to establish a bond that my grandmother and I, will never forget- one based off of a supportive attitude. This supportive attitude is also I look for every time I go with my grandmother and brother to their medical appointments. I want to be that understanding physician assistant that imbues the patient and his or her family with trust, a positive entity that carries the patient through his or her treatment. I have been on the other side of the spectrum as the patient's immediate family and I want to take what I have learned through my experiences and practice with the full intention of extending comfort to patients and their families.

-Mary, I would suggest that you bring down this paragraph and bring up the 2nd paragraph because that paragraph states that your interest in the medical field started long before this event. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the 2nd paragraph contains more compelling reasons for your wishing to become a PA. Far more convincing than the story about your grandmother. After all your experience as a certified nursing assistant has more than exposed and prepared you for the world of a physician assistant. Develop the 2nd paragraph instead. I believe your essay will benefit more from that representation of yourself than this one.

- You can actually add your experience with Katie and your grandmother here as the catalyst statement that pushed you to finally decide on a PA career.I believe it would be more effective in this part of your essay rather than at the very beginning where it creates a disjointed series of paragraphs instead.

I hope my revision advice helps you. I have always believed that the best way to correct an essay is to correct the content and format mistakes first and then worry about the grammar and sentence structure errors next :-) I am looking forward to the revised essay if you do decide to revise it :-)

Watch out for wordiness in your writing. It is a good essay, but there are some unnecessary words that could be removed and not affect the meaning of your sentence. Although being descriptive is good, you want whoever is reading your essay to be able to read it easily and not be distracted from the big picture by a bunch if little details. :)

Hi! Thank you so much for your input. I have revised it just as you said as I could totally see what you were saying. Please let me know what else I should fix! Thanks :)

My interest in medicine began in college while volunteering and taking science classes. Intrigued with science and wanting to lend a helping hand, I majored in Biology and volunteered in the pediatric unit of a hospital. At the hospital, I interacted with children afflicted by various illnesses, from pneumonia to cancer. Witnessing the doctors, PA's, and nurses collectively work together to make a difference by understanding the physical and emotional needs of these patients, influenced me to also want to do the same. Concurrently, I helped underserved populations as Vice President of Unite for Sight. In this organization, I raised money for cataract surgeries in third world countries, performed free visual acuity exams, and educated the public about eye health. Amongst seeing sickness through my volunteering endeavors, I observed the decline in my brother's health. Through this personal hardship and my volunteering experiences in college, I gained a deep understanding of mental and physical illnesses, developing patience and compassion for humanity.

After graduating college, my work and shadowing experiences helped me understand what it takes to care for patients and be a tool in their recovery process. I joined the American Redcross and on a weekly basis, amongst many other duties, I call those affected by unfortunate circumstances due to natural disasters and financial issues to coordinate a plan for improvement. Appreciating my educational background and fascination with biology, I became an anatomy TA at a local college. Every week, I helped my tutees by increasing their depth of knowledge and I guided them with tools for learning. In the clinical setting, I work as a Certified Nurse's Assistant. While working as a CNA, I have assisted dementia patients with their activities of daily living and most importantly, developed an appropriate bedside manner. Through my work experience as a CNA, volunteering, and shadowing, I have the closest understanding of the perseverance, discipline, and professionalism one must have in order to be a healthcare professional

I realized I wanted to become a physician assistant during my personal encounter with a practicing PA. While growing up, I have been fortunate enough to have my grandmother be a part of my life. As I grew from a young adolescent to an adult, my physical strength improved over the years, however, I witnessed the decline in my grandmother's physical strength, ultimately leading to her loss of independence. When I started college, I often took my grandmother to her medical appointments. During a particular visit, my grandmother saw a curly-haired, young brunette named, Katie, she was a Physician Assistant. I keenly observed the interaction between my grandmother and her: she spoke to my grandmother with intelligence, compassion, and patience. She diligently seemed to familiarize herself with the injury that my grandmother sustained from falling and maintained a reassuring, loyal demeanor each time my grandmother subsequently saw her. With the medical advice and mode of treatment Katie recommended for my grandmother to follow, my grandmother obtained the utmost comfort she could. Seeing improvements in her strength and mobility was the catalyst for my interest in becoming a Physician Assistant.

I want to be that understanding physician assistant that imbues the patient and his or her family with trust, a positive entity that carries the patient through his or her treatment. I have been on the other side of the spectrum as the patient's immediate family and I want to take what I have learned through my experiences and practice with the full intention of extending comfort to patients and their families. . I wish to bring the knowledge I attain as a student to liberate people out of uneasiness.

Definitely a huge improvement content-wise. I have some additional suggestions and revisions for you to consider though :-)


- Mary, the admission officer may want to verify your information so you need to give the name of the hospital.


- Where and when did you graduate?



- This is a separate paragraph.Discuss how you gained a deeper understanding of the topics you mentioned. What hands on participation did you have?


-Develop this further as a new paragraph.


- I called ( you indicated that you did this in the past by saying you volunteered)


- plan of action(The Red Cross works right after a disaster strikes. They act on helping people, not improving them.)


- Your essay is starting to suffer from too much information. Pick only the most relevant experiences that answer the prompt. In this paragraph alone, you mention one to many activities that are not fully explained so it does nothing for your essay.



- ... grandmother slowly recovered


.cares for the ...


-help people recover from their illnesses.

I hope these ideas and suggestions continue to help you :-)