Hi, I am currently writing a personal statement for admission in college. I'm not a native speaker; I want to make the statement convincing/persuasive. I request the members of the forum to please review it and provide me your valuable feedback.
Please find below my essay:
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Golf is my number one career choice. In many ways, it also reflects my second, third and fourth career choices. Professional golfers act as teachers educating and leading individuals toward success, and as legislators drafting policies to improve processes for their constituents committing themselves to a field requiring extensive training and practice.
I grew up on a naval base close to a golf club; my first exposure to the game was when I began working as a caddy during the summer. I fell in love with the game at first sight, and decided I wanted to learn how to play. With a set of clubs borrowed from one of the players I used to caddy for I spent all my free time at the driving range learning by watching others. I poured over instruction books and reviewed countless hours of videotape, frame-by-frame, of favorite players.
At that point I had not considered a career in golf; I thought it as a sport and a way to earn pocket money during the summers. I continued my education and completed my bachelors in commerce and began my career as an accountant. However I did not feel that this was my true calling.
During this period an opening occurred in Karachi Golf Club, one of Pakistan's premier golf clubs. Considering my love for the game and my desire to adopt a different career path I joined the club as Assistant Golf Tournament Supervisor and now I am working as Superintendent Golf & Tournament.
Intricate details govern a player's outcome and managing a course that challenges these intricacies is a feat in its own self. I worked persistently, read books and literature online to keep abreast of my ever increasing responsibilities. Managing a flood of information and our best evidence evolves daily. Everything I learnt in the night I applied in the mornings and began to see pragmatic results.
The most important part of golf management, of course, is to plan, resource and deliver cost effective, efficient services to the Members and guests of Golf Club. As I train further, I hope to improve the day to day running of the club developing protocols for course management, tournament committees and club activities. In school, more education translates into better opportunities, and in life, more knowledge leads to greater control over one's circumstances.
In modern management, meaningful golf management education can do the same. I saw this while working with (APGA) Asian Professional Golfers Association team and the Asian Tour Officials. They planned their activities at our club in a clear, friendly and efficient manner. Their activities felt involved and in control. Their example inspired me to set goals to listen and communicate more clearly while managing my own golf activities in open golf championships.
Today, my pursuit is to do this at a larger level. I feel the time has come where I need to have a proper degree in golf management. I am excited to enter the realm of professional golf course managers. I want to find a program that offers the opportunity to train in a well-structured and well-administered environment with PGA members who love to teach.
As I seek to become a skillful golf professional, and advocate for my profession, and a committed educator, I need a program that will make it possible for me to unite both my personal and professional goals into a single fulfilling career.
Anjum Masoud
Beautiful, your statement is clear and makes me want to accept you. Just a few grammatical things to help improve flow. They go in chronological order.
Teachers, educating and...
Of my favorite players...
At Karachi golf club...
Superintendent Golf & tournament ( supervisor?)
I have worked...
Managing a flood of information... This sentence doesn't make sense.
Sometimes you use words that don't sound natural, ex. Pragmatic
Good luck!
