My idea about petroleum. Personal Statement for Graduate Admission

Instruction:
Please provide a brief (500 words max) autobiographical statement to help us form a more complete impression of you. We would like to know your reasons for wanting to study in Britain generally and at The University of XXX in particular. You should also tell us a little about your interests, hobbies and life outside of your academic study, such as relevant professional experience, non-academic achievements, careers aspirations etc. Tell us why XXX is a good destination for you, and whether there are aspects of study here that are unavailable at your home university. Please also use this form to tell us if there are any reasons why your grades in a particular semester are not as strong as you would have expected.

My road to the career in petroleum

All my life, I had always thought that petroleum is formed and deposited in a large pool beneath the earth's surface where it is then exploited to meet the world's energy demands. This was not until my first class in Petroleum Engineering taught by Professor XXX of the department of XXX during my undergraduate study, which awakened my inquisition to how petroleum is being explored.

After going through the recommended texts for the course just immediately after the lecture, I almost decided that reservoir engineering was the career for me and I was determined to succeed. This interest increased more while taking the Reservoir Engineering courses like; Formation Evaluation, Applied Geophysics, Advanced Reservoir Engineering, Geology which I excelled in all in my quest in studying and finding solutions to some challenges associated with petroleum exploration and finding simpler, cleaner ways to carry out exploration of hydrocarbon resources. Due diligence and excellence in my studies won me a scholarship with the Agbami Medical and Engineering Professionals Scholarship Award, an affiliate with Star Deep Company in Nigeria as I later graduated among the top three percent of my class.

Although I enjoyed and paid much attention to my classes, my internship experiences confirmed my interest as I had two (2) successful stints working in XXX Nigeria Limited. This gave me the privilege and experience of working with professionals in the energy industry. During these periods, I had some practical experiences as I was involved in a field development project of the company's then largest onshore field where I utilized my class room knowledge in handling real-life situations. I also developed proficiency in petroleum softwares like PROSPER, MBAL, GAP during these periods. My effective participation and diligence also made me become one of the best interns to have worked with the company, as testified by the team supervisors and other staff of my work division.

Therefore, the opportunity of being involved in cutting-edge research in a first class learning environment and the close relationships the University of XXX has with industry partners, make an offer of study interesting to me which will help fulfill my long term career goals.

Another reason for my particular interest is the funding opportunity available in my home country for study, due to its relevance in the petroleum industry to tackle some challenges in research through the years.

Finally, my utmost desire and zeal as I hope to become a career-focused professional with an enthusiasm for learning is to give back to the society. This, I am certain can be best achieved by learning which led me to the University of XXX, which over the years have employed a problem-based approach to learning. This approach helps to inspire critical and creative thinking even outside the studies to broaden experience and develop new skills.

Olawale, review the prompt requirements. You have not properly reflected the necessary information as dictated by the university for this essay. You are solely focused on the academic development of your interest in this particular course. However, the university is asking you to discuss more than just your academic interests. You are to also discuss some non-academic information such as your extra curricular activities, and non-academic achievements. That will include your participation in community organizations or volunteer activities in clubs or other related organizations. You also do not explain why you have chosen to come to Britain to study. In addition to that, you are also to explain why you have chose this university in particular, in a greater detail than the after thought that you wrote towards the end of the essay. This is a highly incomplete essay that cannot be used for your application. You will need to review the prompt requirements and make sure that you reflect a response to each criteria in at least one paragraph each before this can even be considered a rough draft response for editing.

Thank you very much for the critical review, just that I've already submitted the document before finding out about this site...
Also, it was after the submission that I got a copy of the instruction for writing the personal statement for the university, that was possibly the reason I didn't dwell on other aspects of my interest....

Thanks and sure will put those suggestions in subsequent applications.

Please help review this for subsequent applications, based on same instruction.
Thanks

Having had a wonderful and enthralling experience while studying in one of the top public universities in Nigeria, though full of its own peculiarities and inherent challenges, I developed a strong desire of getting more out of life and a zeal to give back to the society, especially that which moulded me.

So, an opportunity to experience a different style of world-class education in a multicultural world will enable me to see a side of my major that I may not have been exposed to here in my home country. Also, it will help me gain valuable life experience while organizing my life, ability to be independent and self-sufficient which are extremely useful to my future employers and my society at large.

Furthermore, my choice for study in Britain stems from the knowledge that higher education and qualifications in Britain have a very impressive international reputation, as students are encouraged to develop their potential while enjoying a full social life. Also, the cultural diversity of life in British higher education is unrivalled as it has a good history of welcoming international students. This opportunity will also help me further develop excellent language skills as the English Language is of great value in today's business world.

As an individual whose goal is to develop and become better; meeting new people, gaining new knowledge, exploring and impacting my world are all priorities that interests me. My extra-curricular activities include; watching football and playing football during leisure, reading literatures (having read over fifteen personal development books in recent years), surfing the internet, listening and singing good music. I am also an assuring and outgoing personality that exudes diligence in all I that I do.

Also, having just concluded the compulsory one-year national service in my home country, I had the opportunity to give back to the society while meeting the needs of others through community service activities which include; conducting orientation programmes to junior schools about environmental concerns. I also had the privilege to have occupied a leadership position to serve as liaison officer for over 100 corps members, thereby learning, leading and helping others to meet and exceed objectives and goals.

I would also state that my academic performance was at the lowest in my first year, though above average, but improved tremendously in every other year which I found out was due to a renewed sense of commitment and obligation to my success and that of others.

Finally, my utmost desire and zeal as I hope to become a career-focused professional with an enthusiasm for learning is to give back to the society. This, I am certain can be best achieved by learning which inspired my choice for the University of Manchester, which over the years have employed a problem-based approach to learning that helps to inspire critical and creative thinking even outside the studies to broaden experience and develop new skills.

1, Moulded - made by pouring into a hollow container
Molded - to shape a soft, malleable material

2, ... experience while organizing my own, learning to be independent and self-sufficient which will be extremely useful to ...

3, English L language

4, include:

5, I think you can give one or two examples of good books that you have read instead. To be honest, fifteen books in recent years does not sound that impressive - I know people who can read two novels a day.

6, I have had the opportunity to give back to society while meeting the needs of others ...

I advise you to be careful about run on sentences. Some of them are a bit longer than they need to be. Also, I would use society instead of the society. Good essay though, I hope you're accepted.

For your extra curricular activities, try to go beyond the simple explanation and common relaxation activities that you mention here. Usually, the reviewers look for community service based extra curricular activities such as volunteer programs, service to the community, or other similar acts. While you have reported a real presentation of your activities, it's a bit too self centered and doesn't show how you might be a beneficial member of Britain should you be be admitted to the university. The same goes for your interest in studying in Britain. Go beyond the social life and explain why you would be academically stunted if you posted higher studies in your home country. The explanation regarding your grades is too short and shallow. You need to better explain the circumstances behind the low grades and how you eventually overcame it. The current essay is getting better. The adjustments to the content should help you improve it even more. Don't worry about send structure and grammar problems for now. Focus on perfecting your message first. The grammar correction is the last of your worries at the moment because of the constant content changes you are making. Do that in the final stage of editing.

I have inputted the suggestions.
Please help review again and possibly highlight the unnecessary points as it is longer than the required length of 500words.

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
Having had a wonderful and enthralling experience while studying in one of the top public universities in Nigeria, though full of its own peculiarities and inherent challenges, I developed a strong desire of getting more out of life and a zeal to give back to society, especially that which molded me.

So, my choice for study in Britain stems from the knowledge that higher education and qualifications in Britain have a very impressive international reputation, as students are encouraged to develop their potential while enjoying a full social life. The cultural diversity of life in British higher education is unrivalled as it has a good history of welcoming international students. This opportunity will also help me further develop excellent language skills as the English language is of great value in today's business world.

Therefore, an opportunity to experience a different style of world-class education in a multicultural world will enable me to see a side of my major that I may not have been exposed to here in my home country. It will also enable me to experience different teaching strategies and more practical hands-on experience that may not be readily available in my home country.

Also, as an individual whose goal is to develop and become better; meeting new people, gaining new knowledge, exploring and impacting my world are all priorities that interest me. Through my undergraduate studies, I volunteered as a Mathematics and Physics tutor to juniors. This gave me the privilege to help tackle their challenges,monitor their progress and provide guidance to facilitate achieving success. This is due to my interest in helping others out as I had various occasions when I spend the whole night teaching others and in the process, getting new and improved understanding of concepts.

I was also involved in different student organizations which I offered myself to serve in different positions in my faculty, department and even a member of my department's Technical Interest Group and Quiz committee.

Also, having just concluded the compulsory one-year national service in my home country, I have had the opportunity to give back to society while meeting the needs of others through community service activities which include; conducting orientation programmes to junior schools about environmental concerns, donating sanitation materials to public schools. I also had the privilege to have occupied a leadership position to serve as liaison officer for over 100 corps members, thereby learning, leading and helping others to meet and exceed objectives and goals.

I would also state that my academic performance was at the lowest in my first year, though above average. This was primarily because I was young and naive at that time and could not really understand the significance of taking general and elementary courses which were the majority I offered for my first year. I became a bit distracted and involved myself in too many activities; organizing cultural events, deep involvement in student politics and so on, which had little or no impact on my academics. I learned from my mistakes and created a balance for myself while giving room for activities thatimproved my academic, mental and social wellbeing. This improved my grades tremendously and eventually graduated as the fourth best student in my class.

Finally, my utmost desire and zeal as I hope to become a career-focused professional with an enthusiasm for learning is to give back to society. This, I am certain can be best achieved by learning which inspired my choice for the University of XXXXX, which over the years have employed a problem-based approach to learning that helps to inspire critical and creative thinking even outside the studies to broaden experience and develop new skills.

You've got a number of unnecessary paragraphs and sentences in this essay which caused you to go overboard in terms of the word count. The best way to lower the word count to the proper level or less would be to just delete the unnecessary paragraphs which only serve as word fillers at this point.

Paragraph 1 should be completely deleted. Open instead with paragraph 2 but omit the word "So" at the beginning. The essay will be stronger if your opening statement begins with a declaration as to why you have chosen to study in Britain instead. Try to cut down on the personal information to reflect only the most impressive traits that you have which might indicate the kind of graduate student that you might be should you be admitted into the program. Personally, I would focus that discussion on your national service instead. That shows that you were trained to never quit and accomplish tasks, no matter how daunting it might seem. Which is the kind of personality that makes for a good masters degree student. The discussion about your school extra curricular activities don't carry the same impact so it would be safe to skip that part as well. Doing so will help you bring your word count down to a manageable level.

Revise your final paragraph. You have neglected to talk about why you chose this particular university as required by the prompt. That is something that you should indicate as the final paragraph of your essay. Discuss what factors led to your decision to apply for admission to this university instead. Taking into consideration the fact that your country has universities that offer the same masters degree courses.