ISB 2013-14 Essay 1

krkarthikiyer 1 / 1

Nov 26, 2012 #1

Kindly reviw my essay and let me know your thoughts
All reviews are welcome
Please make a strong case to differentiate yourself from an exceptional set of applicants applying for PGP 2013-14. You could cite personal/ professional achievements to present your case. (300 words max)

Just when I started realizing my dreams, of a successful career and supporting my widowed mother, by landing a Job with XXX NY, after successfully completing my ME from XXXX University Texas, I was diagnosed with blood cancer. All my dreams were coming down like 9 pins and all the better brighter future I was planning to provide my family was turning dark and nonexistent. But my never say die attitude and my eternal optimism will not let me go down and like a phoenix rising out of the ashes I pulled myself up went back to India and started my treatment. I made most of my treatment time by spending more time with family and friends and getting myself trained in SAP PP and landing in a job with XXX and started working full time and taking time off in between for treatment. I always try and maintain a joyful and positive environment around me. Even when blood splattered onto every wall in the bathroom making it look like a crime scene I burst into laughter and make a ridiculous, lighthearted moment of this very serious situation

During the same time I started working for NGO "XXXX". Initially I was imparting spoken English classes to students at Government school. Later I initiated and led a fund collection program in USA for operation XXXX program and collected over 3700 USD which covered costs for 400 dual desks benefitting around 1300 children at 10 government schools apart from personally funding construction of four toilet blocks in one government school

I believe my low scores in GMAT analytical essay is an aberration which is evident from the fact the essay writing competitions I won during my school and my scores of 4.5 in TOEFL essay and 1970 in GRE

dumi 1 / 6,925

1592

Nov 28, 2012 #2

Just when I started realizing my dreams of a successful career and supporting my widowed mother

no comma : )

All my dreams were coming down like 9 pins and all the better brighter future I was planning to provide my family was turning dark and nonexistent.

My suggestion;
All my dreams got shattered crushing all my plans and hopes that I had for making my family a brighter future.

But my " never say die" attitude and my eternal optimism ~~will~~did not let me ~~go down~~fall and like a phoenix rising out of the ashes I pulled myself up; I returned~~went back~~ to India and started my treatment.

Have those punctuations. Also I introduced some changes : )

I made most of my treatment time by spending more time with family and friends and getting myself trained in SAP PP and landing in a job with XXX and started working full time and taking time off in between for treatment.

Think of re-phrasing this sentence. It is not organized properly and hence your idea does not flow smoothly.