A Chance to Make Amends
My relationship with my parents was always a tug-of-war between the pursuit of approval and the suppression of vulnerability. I learned to question everything around me in an attempt to solicit conversation from them. I waited for them to give me the answers to the questions I sought; they never came. Instead of answers, I'd receive cold sarcastic stares as if they were saying, "Why don't you already know that?" These stares were always followed by their infamous words, "Go look it up". I could never figure out why my parents would send me on these knowledge quests. My mother would often reassure me that they were doing what was "best" for me. I couldn't agree any less. As I grew older, I came to realize that my parents were preparing me for the real world, a world where all the answers were in my reach, as long as I looked for them in the right way.
One month after graduating from high school, my mother suffered a severe stroke. I had never lived away from my parents and my mother's condition forced me to stay close to home. I therefore applied for and enrolled at the University of South Florida, an hour away from my parents' home. During my second semester at USF, I underwent emergency surgery to fix an unexpected health issue. My parents were informed that I was in surgery only after the procedure had started. They were not given much information on my condition and on the way to the hospital my mother suffered a second stroke. As life became more and more unpredictable, I realized that there are some questions that can never be answered, no matter how hard you search. My surgery forced me to withdraw from school for two semesters. With a broken spirit and an unfocused mind, I moved back home to be with my family. I began attending a local community college while working full-time to help pay for our medical bills and nurse my mother back to full health. I received my associate degree in three semesters and I transferred to the University of Central Florida in order to pursue a career in finance.
During my senior year at the University of Central Florida, I began to realize that a career in finance was not for me. I began to think that I was seeking my parents' approval so much that I never considered my own dreams. After all, I was the first person in my family to attend college, my mother was suffering serious health issues, and my father became the only guardian able to care for my younger brother; quitting was definitely not an option. Somehow, I believed that if I finished school, my parents would be happy and all of our problems would be solved. All I wanted to do was to graduate. I was unmotivated, unsure of myself, and simply afraid of what my parents would say about my law school aspirations. My grades weren't as good as they should have been and the longer I stayed in school, the more it felt as if my parents were losing their faith in me. I felt lost.
At the end of my senior year, I sat my parents down and thanked them for all the gifts and knowledge they had given me. I had just received a degree in finance, my mother was in good health, our financial burden had been lifted; yet I still felt empty and undeserving of praise. I spent my undergraduate years in a program where I felt alienated. There was not much diversity in my program and most of my courses were graded solely on the performance on four to five exams in each one. There was little room for me to articulate my ideas. Furthermore, I was never a good test taker. I could research any information and find answers, but memorizing formulas to compute was very unappealing to me. I wanted to do research, describe my findings, solve problems, and enlighten myself. I wanted to find the answers just as my parents had taught me to. I also knew that I wanted to pursue a career in law. I had not yet followed my dreams, and my parents sensed this. I told them that I was going to attend Florida A&M University College of Law at any cost and they couldn't have been more supportive. Their support was the catalyst that turned my dreams into a pursuit.
For the first time in my life I have stability. I know what I need to do to attain my goals. I have learned that all my mistakes have been opportunities for improvement and I still have room to grow. I have the opportunity to rise above my misfortunes so that I may achieve greatness. I would like to use this opportunity at the Florida A&M University College of Law. I am more than just a GPA or a score. I am a dedicated, honest, compassionate, persistent, motivated, enduring, and blessed individual. I have set my sights on enlightening everyone I can reach. I am ready to be a scholar, a public administrator, and god-willing, a judge. I am ready to be part of a solution that is bigger than myself.
I am an accomplished researcher who will not rest until every answer is found. Placed in the right environment, I have the ability to be a renowned leader. I am committed to excellence, and I will not settle for anything less. This time, I am not applying to your school to please my parents, my friends, or even my own vain ambitions. I am applying because I have the passion to be a lawyer and I am ready to take all the necessary steps to graduate with honors from your school. I possess a combination of interpersonal and analytical skills that I think would be a great asset to your program. Moreover, I would like to contribute to the diverse FAMU atmosphere by offering my impartial and objective views at all times. I have blossomed, ready to take on whatever challenges are put before me. It would be a great privilege to be part of the FAMU Law community. I have made the mistake of trying to excel in an environment that I didn't want to be in and I am ready to make amends. I believe that my whole family has been given a second chance, and I vow to take full advantage of this opportunity if I am admitted into your university.
I think you are focusing too much on the negative here. The first half of your essay is dedicated to describing your difficult life and then you jump into a discussion about going to law school. I don't think this approach will have the impact you are hoping for. As a reader, it sounds to me that you have not done well in school, but that now your parents are supporting you and you think you will do better.
I think you need to illustrate ways that you are already benefiting from a new clarity of direction. You do not want it to sound like law school will be the first time you are applying the positive changes you have seen in your life.
I certainly think you should address any shortcomings you had in your previous education, but you also need to talk about some of your positive experiences. You also need to discuss why you want to go to law school.
As for the actual writing - it is pretty good; here are a few suggestions:
"renowned leader" - are you really "renowned" as in famous.
passive voice (ex. would, has, had) - get rid of these for a much stronger essay.
ex: "My mother would often reassure me" change to: "my mother reassured me"
wordiness - Here's a good way to make a good essay great. Go through and cross out every word that does not add meaning to the sentence.
ex: "and simply afraid" change to: "and afraid"
I waited for them to give me the answers I sought, to the questions I sought ; they never came.
That thing about looking up answers is sort of over-used. It is actually sort of boring. I'm sorry! It is just that... this thing where adults tell kids to look up answers is something we hear about a lot, so it is probably the same for admissions readers. Still, it is possible to change the theme of that paragraph while keeping the essay the same.
Whenever you have a compound sentence like this, use a comma:
My grades weren't as good as they should have been, and the longer I stayed in school, the more it felt as if my parents were losing their faith in me.
To enhance your law career, read Strunk & White's Elements of Style.
Placed in the right environment, I have the ability to be a renowned leader. ---- renowned is not the right word here, because it is all about recognition, which is superficial.
This is a great essay, for sure. I was hard pressed to find those criticisms I made. I do advise making it shorter, though. Say what you have to say in fewer words whenever possible. Streamline the long thing.
