Since and early age, I have been passionate about computers, and have been looking for the opportunity to assist me to gain profound knowledge in the field of computer science without financial burden and unbearable education cost.
I believe I have made the right choice by opting for your university as you are offering tuition-free programs and providing the students with a competency in current and updated technology .Obtaining a bachelor's degree is a necessary first step, as I am keen on performing graduate-level academic research in the near future.
Good start. Now expound on everything. Try and tell how choosing that program at school will help you in whatever grand quest you plan on in your life. Tell why you think that that program is the best for your purposes.
Hi, thank you very much jgordony, I forgot to mention the word length, it's >70 <100
Do I have to modify it anyway ?
I know tuition-free is a crucial factor for your decision. Nevertheless, I guess the committee is expecting students who appreciate the academic achievement of this program, and share the same academic interest. In your first draft, when talking about the advantages, you mentioned tuition-free first. I think that is not wise. I suggest you talk more about the research field and achievement of this program, and how do they match your own research interest.
thank you very much, basawang, that was very helpful,
I have a question about "XXX program", no problem if it's repeated many times in the essay ?
Since my early age, I have been passionate about computers. Therefore, I have always been looking for the opportunity to gain profound knowledge in computer science.
After careful consideration, I realized that a bachelor program at the University of the People is my best choice because it provides the students with a necessary competency in current and updated technology. Moreover, it offers tuition-free education, which can assist me to alleviate my financial burden. In the future, I want to pursue an academic career in computer science. I believe a bachelor program is the key of my future success.
I do not think repeating the official name of this program several times is a problem. I believe the style of this application essay should be as formal as possible. Using "it" to refer to this program seems a little bit impolite. However, this is just my opinion. I am not an expert, so I hope others can kindly comment on your question.
In addition, I have one more suggestion. In the second draft, here is your last sentence "I believe a bachelor program is the key of my future success." This sentence explains why you want to pursue a bachelor degree in computer science. Nevertheless, thousands of universities provides computer science programs for students. Why do you choose the bachelor program at the University of the People? As I see, you can firmly state that the program at University of the People is the key of your future career, not any other miscellaneous bachelor programs. Remember, make the committee believe that this program is so special, and you are exactly the one for this program!
I wish you all the best and hope you get the admission offer.
Hi bawasang, thank you so much,
please, for me, you are an expert, and your suggestions are very important to me,
Here is another version of the essay :
"Since my early age, I have been passionate about computers. Therefore, I have always been looking for the opportunity to gain profound knowledge in computer science.
After careful consideration, I realized that a computer science program at the University of the People is my best choice because the program provides the students with a necessary competency in current and updated technology. Moreover, the University offers tuition-free education, which can assist me to alleviate my financial burden. In the future, I want to pursue an academic career in computer science. I believe the computer science program is the key of my future success."
i am waiting for your answer
I made a few corrections. This time I tried to reduce the word number to less than 100, and replace some vocabularies. Now the word count is 98.
I used two acronyms, Computer Science (CS) and University of the People (UoPeople). Because these two terms are also used on the website of the University of the People, I believe they are formal terms.
"Resolve" is a stronger and formal version of "decide". "Seek" is also a formal version of "look for". I hope you can show your determination that you are eager to obtain the admission offer.
Hi basawang, I dont know how to thank you,
that was very helpful, because I have a problem expressing myself, that's one of my weaknesses,
do u have any essays in here ?
CS is a good career. As you know everyone is using relate to Computer now.