Losing the moment chasing the goal

Hi guys, as well as other forummates i want to take part in KGSP. This is my self-intoduction letter! Please, check it. I think it is not enough but i do not know what to add.

to become a specialist in the international relations

I do not know when or how I decided to be a specialist in sphere of international relations. Maybe the strong will appeared because of permanent discussions concerning the government's actions and diplomatic relations of Kazakhstan among my family members. Probably, at that time I thought that if you have power you would be able to change and influence on the lives of people. Or maybe the desire to become a diplomat broke out after meeting the Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary Ambassador of the United States of America during rewarding ceremony of volunteer projects. No matter how, the result is evident. After couple of hard working years to get government scholarship I finally achieved it. I felt completed. I entered one of the best universities in Kazakhstan. I moved from little town to big city. My life changed completely new friends, new surroundings, new place of stay. I knew that university times should be the best one in all prospects that was the reason why after entering university I immediately became a member of the biggest university organization. I was as an active student as possible. Even if I was busy with all of these new things I began to notice emptiness. I was not satisfied with all my achievements made. I guess the reason lied on the loss of my goal. During the chase of all new things I forgot about my primary aim, aim of being a diplomat. However, I believe that fate always send you some tips during your life journey. Fortunately, the hint for me appeared on time I met a person who affected me. The situation happened when I was on my way to home after some weeks of university enrolment. He was a professor of international relations at one of the Australian universities. We talked much with him. I briefly narrate him my biography. Thus, most conversation was about the current situation in Kazakhstan and development paths, our structure of government and our president. He was as a remainder for me about my desire to flourish my country and to become a skilled diplomat. Following this, I started being engaged into activities concerning international relations.

Actually, besides having new friends there was also one big advantage of being activist I found out my interest to learn Korean language. I suppose that mostly I was affected by students from Korea who lived with me in dormitory. They were so friendly and warm-hearted students. We spent a lot of times together. Korean language seems very pleasant to hear. Also, they introduce me with Korean culture, games. Finally, I was so keen on Korean things so that I began visiting Korean language courses holding at Korean Cultural Centre. I even took some cooking courses there. Korean Cultural Centre revealed that Asian people are close to each other. I like the thing that most of us honor our traditions and lifestyle despite the factors of globalization. I am sure that adjusting to Korea will not be hard for me.

Being a part of Korean Government Scholarship Program is magnificent. I know that KGSP opens a plenty of opportunities for me. As far as Korean Government Scholarship Program provides us with dozens of university choices it gives us a chance to be accepted to top universities of South Korea that will make us grow and improve our abilities. I have never met KGSP alumni in Kazakhstan however, from internet resources I know that KGSP create really appropriate conditions for scholars for making their research and study without any need. It will be an honor for me to be a scholar of your program as far as I am tolerant, skilled, flexible student. I hope that this program prepare me as a competitive employee of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Kazakhstan and future diplomat.

I think the sentences are almost phrased properly. But you can change this:
... best one in all prospects that ,which was the reason why after entering university I immediatelyI became a member (...) organization immediately after entering the institution.

Aigul, the self introduction essay should center not on the reasons why you found yourself in a particular career path, it should instead, be working to introduce you, as a private person, to the reviewer. As a non-formal written interview, this is your chance to show the reviewer pertinent information about your background, the kind of family that you came from, how their influence and the others helped shape your character or point of views, and how these influences have resulted in your ambitions for your future. The presentation that you currently have is more suited towards a personal statement for a college application. As for your familiarity with the Korean culture, it is a bit run of the mill in the sense that all of you are talking about having had dormitory friends who happened to be Korean and whose influence upon you led to an interest in Korean culture. We need something more marked in order to make your essay stand out in that aspect. It sounds too common already. Why don't you explain how you became keen on Korean things even without the influence of these Korean friends instead? We need to offer some sort of information that the other applicants will not be presenting and does not relate back to Korean friendships. That way your essay will become a bit more impressive to the reviewer.

@Holt
still my self-introduction essay
Looking at the mirror I revise myself when I was 6 years old child. Looking back you think that you did not understand anything but you did. I try to explain my statement further in this essay. Besides the fact that money always was tight for my family while I was growing up. I never was unhappy. Support and love are things which were given me fully by my family members. None of the decisions made without consultations together. I am really proud of growing up in such friendly family. There is a Kazakh proverb states 'the love to country begins from the love to home'. I guess this was the foundation for my future decision-making. Then as soon as I went to school I found out that most of people surround me blamed government for its unconscious decisions, for inappropriate educational system. Friends and teachers always compare with other successful states with excellent social programs. In such situations I always tried to protect government from accuses as far as I understood that our government is young and has great opportunities in future to flourish. I was wondering how people were not aware of government's hard work. I found myself at the point that wherever and whenever I heard accuses towards authority I tried to write down the notes which I would like to alter in the future. I saw myself as someone with power who is able to assist citizens of our state, who will work for the sake of nation and sacrifice everything for the Kazakhstan's prosperity. I believe that these points served as the first basis to see myself as a diplomat.

Then the fate made everything by itself to confirm my first perception in relation to my future profession. During study at high school I had a chance to meet an US diplomat. He was promoting American educational programs and America itself and the atmosphere of that meeting was completely higher than everything I had ever been before. Following this, I worked extremely hard left years of studying at school as long as I needed to get excellent marks at final exams for getting governmental scholarship. The competition for scholarship within specialty of international relations was really tough. Luckily, I entered one of the best universities in Kazakhstan. The university life again confirmed my interest in international affairs. I became an active participant of conferences concerning the global problems and visits with ambassadors. I was wondering how the fate of each country and millions of people are on the hands of some diplomats. A diplomat has a power to decide whether he will give a chance to the state to prosper or die? I wanted and want to be that one who will be able to protect its citizens as long as I have all personal characteristics of diplomat.

Passing time I was on my way to home at train when I saw a foreigner lying next to me. We began to talk. That man was a professor of international relations at Australian university. Our conversation mostly touched economic and political spheres. He gave me his point of view concerning our political system and president, some words about corruption. He shared my opinion about diplomats' responsibilities. This event was quiet informative and useful. At the end he cheered me up for going till the end at my beginning.

Thus, Foreign Policy became my professional joy while my personal joy has always been music. My addiction to music appeared since childhood. I finished a musical school seven years ago with getting major on the dombyra, Kazakh national instrument. It is interesting that even I found music as my friend I have never thought about being a singer. Music gives strength and motivation to work hard on other parts of my life. The time when I introduced with K-pop music was the period when people sent music through Bluetooth due to the unavailability of internet. Thus, I became to be keen on Korean hip-hop music. I became familiar with such singers as G-dragon who composed his songs by, J.Y.Park. When I had hard times during my preparation to final exams at school I found support in B2st's "When the door closes" and "On rainy days" songs. It is quiet strange that I cannot listen to English songs for a long period I am getting tired of them while Korean songs are always pleasure to listen to me. I am thankful to songs that really motivated me and were my lullaby for a long period of time. From the first time I did not feel like it is a different language even if I know none of Korean. I felt like I understood the lyrics.

Being interested by K-pop I would like to know the meaning of the lyrics. Therefore as soon as I moved in Astana I decided to take courses of Korean language at Korean Cultural Centre. I thus became an active member there. I even took some cooking classes. I began to adore Korean lifestyle. Now I just want to dive deep into Korean vibe with feeling it.

Being a part of Korean Government Scholarship Program is magnificent. I know that KGSP opens a plenty of opportunities for me. As far as Korean Government Scholarship Program provides us with dozens of university choices it gives us a chance to be accepted to top universities of South Korea that will make us grow and improve our abilities. I have never met KGSP alumni in Kazakhstan however, from internet resources I know that KGSP create really appropriate conditions for scholars for conducting their research and study without any need. It will be an honor for me to be a scholar of your program as far as I am tolerant, skilled, flexible student. I hope that this program prepare me as a competitive employee of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Kazakhstan and future diplomat as well.

@lukme
Hi! Your work is really good but I think you some First of it ,your idea is not clearly . You should find out more instruments ot more kind of music in the word , explain for us why it is famous and when , how much meanfull it is.For example ,Kpop which is very famous because beautiful singers sing or because it is really romantic or because most of people like soft music.second ,How do you feel about thier music and musician .For example . You like them a lot because what thay are wearing thier style or thier song.why do you like feel understood the lyrics. Give some amswer sich as because it likes my mood right now or look at all . Do not use period on your work .instead of using priod you should use time

Aigul, don't reflect upon your 6 year old self. That doesn't make sense to the reviewer as the age you indicate doesn't have any real or relevant life memories to speak of yet that could influence who you could be in the future. Instead, rephrase the paragraph to represent your reflection of your family life over the years and how the experience helped create the person you are today. That way the narrative take on a more serious introductory note as the reviewer read it. It becomes a relevant self introduction. You can delete the post about meeting the person on the train. It is not add notable as the previous paragraphs and doesn't really move the self introduction forward as this was not a truly influential person in your life. You only meet him once and all you had was small talk during the trip. The rest of the essay works well in terms of delivering the required and expected information based upon the prompt requirements. I believe that this can be the last edit before the essay finally enters its usable stage.

@Holt
Mary Rose, thank you again for your feedback. I appreciate your work!
I would like to know is it right to write about my interest in Korean vibe and culture at all? I mean is it professional? I do not doubt your suggestions just I want to know that it will work.

Is it possible to get comments from you if I will post my revised essay again here?

Thank you for your job! It helped me a lot.

The prompt for the self introduction essay for the KGSP program actually encourages you to relate as much as you can about how you developed an interest in Korean culture. Specifically, the prompt asks you to explain your reasons for wanting to study in Korea. Now, considering that there is a one year period before your masters studies when you will be focusing on learning the Korean language, it stands to assume that you are expected to immerse yourself in the Korean culture as well. Therefore, explaining about your Korean vibe and interest in the culture will definitely be of help in your self introduction. This interest in their culture will help the reviewer decide whether or not you have a chance of completing the 3 year program in Korea. Do not forget that you are also expected to live in Korea for a few years after completing your degree. So if you cannot prove that you have what it takes to battle home sickness through your interest in living the Korean way of life to a certain degree due to your interests in the country and culture, you will place some doubt in the mind of the reviewers regarding your ability to complete the program.