This is my first draft for my Graduate Statement of Purpose for a Master's in Marine Science. Any advice would be great!
Statement:
I remember seeing the metal crane towering out of the water. It was an alien object, strange to see among the wooden boats that bobbed just offshore the small XXX island. However, the message was clear; anthropocentrism had begun to dredge its way through the coral reefs, disguised as marina construction and tourism.
As a college freshman I was assisting the research of the herpetological communities in the XXX Archipelago with Dr. XXX, my herpetological professor at XXX University. Our team was working to research the herpetological communities on the islands and to prepare our collected samples for phenotypic and genetic study. Understanding the indigenous XXX wildlife is crucial for the XXX government to learn how to preserve it. This afternoon still stands vivid in my mind, when I gained first-hand witness to the effects of habitat destruction and public ignorance on very rare wildlife.
I entered my undergraduate career with a green love of the sea, wanting to know, to discover. It was on those islands that my motivation cultivated. I was able to observe behaviors within animal populations and their habitats, and see the damage caused by a lack of ecocentric responsibility. I emerged with a more sophisticated insight, wanting to combine this experience with my marine interests. One who has knowledge has the ability to make a difference. My passion grew beyond learning to the desire to protect what I saw being torn down.
I used every experience to fuel my passion to know. My undergraduate career has given me much guidance in the rhythm of the natural world. In the summer of 2007, I had the privilege of researching marine life through the XXX Marine Station. I conducted a research project focusing on the behavioral interactions between limpets (Patellagastropoda) and the American Black Oystercatcher. This research was a valuable learning tool for discovering new ways to study population dynamics of marine coastal ecosystems, and how predator-prey interactions affect the altering food chain and community growth. These interactions are of special interest to me.
The gap year between attaining my Biology degree and my hopeful entry into the XXX graduate program was a choice I made during my senior year. I am heading to Costa Rica this fall, having been accepted into an internship with XXX. My internship focuses on wildlife conservation, specifically with endangered sea turtles. I will spend two months studying the turtles' population dynamics, habitat characteristics, and onshore nesting activity. It will give us the knowledge to create methods of preservation for these creatures, whose populations are dwindling due to harvesting and habitat destruction. This opportunity is the culmination of what I have envisioned for myself since that summer on the island.
I know my experiences will contribute to my graduate studies and research skills I have already gained from my undergraduate practices. In addition, I have also applied for a second internship for the spring of 2010, working with professionals at the XXX Aquarium. During my volunteers here, I will learn how to handle marine animals in captivity, how to maintain a clean environment for them. Most rewarding is the chance to share what I have learned about life in the ocean.
It is my conviction that a perfect scientist is developed not only with studying books. It takes dipping your hands into the water. It is for this reason I am attracted to the University of XXX's Marine Sciences department, which stresses an education with hands-on research. Graduate study at UW would give me the opportunity to further my research interests in the ecology of aquatic environments. Beyond their niches, I also want to study the dynamics within populations of large marine predators, such as family properties, group interactions, daily behaviors, and the techniques for finding and capturing prey. I have many questions, and I want to dedicate my career to answering them. My dream of innovating new marine discoveries, and utilizing them for conservation strategies, is what feeds my entrance into graduate school.
No, no... the beginning image is perfect. You just need to make it even more vivid by using action verbs.
Indeed, this essay is very strong as a whole but will be even stronger if you go through and ask "could I use an action verb instead?" every time you have used the verbs "to be" or "to have."
