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MBA application Essay draft, the 'spikiest' pictures with the explanations.



Jolin lu 1 / 1  
Mar 27, 2019   #1

"Do we settle for the world as it is, or do we work for the world as it should be?"

-<Becoming>
The first picture represents one of the spikiest factors in my life. I was born in a regular family of a small town in northeast China. Since I was in high school, my parents have set the goal of my life that was getting married before 30, and buying me a taxi for the wedding gift. It is not until 2015, my first time went to North America to run a full marathon. I have trained marathon since 2014, the biggest part of this training is my mindset. At the beginning, I'm slow and I can't run far without having to stop and walk. But as time as I training myself. I told myself that I can take my time, I don't have to run fast, but I can run further. For years, I just keep reminding myself that my goal isn't to be the first one to cross that finish line. My goal is cross, knowing that I gave it my best. Completed my 5th full marathon also the best one with an enthusiastic crowd in Seattle, I was shocked that because these cheerful atmospheres are very rare in China. The frequent question I have been asked for was "How much money would I get if I finished the race" or "If I was crazy paid the entry fee to running a race?" In the following days, I visited the University of Washington, just in time for the graduation season.The campus was immersed in a joyful atmosphere, and all the graduates were dressed up took photos with pride and elated mood. Back to China from Seattle, I was well know that it is the perspective where things really click for me. It inspired me to pursue my dream--through education, make choices that are loyal to yourself. I have self-learning English since back to China. Because I do not have aboard studying experience or any english major in the college, It is difficult to study and work at the same time. I know that my English still can not competed with native speakers. But I believe that ,like marathon, language learning is a process of accumulation. I will never give up.

The second photo represents one of the honors of my career. When I got the annual Innovation Award in 2018. As a Digital Marketing Specialist with ENTJ personality, I have been worked for Network Finance Department of China Construction Bank since 2014. In 2018, Targeted Poverty Alleviation was the focal point of China. As one of the so-called Big Four Banks, the bank features a multitude of means to partner with local agricultural companies and ensure long-term development. Our team organized over 50 marketing campaigns selling the gods of agriculture on ShanRongShangWu, which is an E-commerce financial service platform launched by CCB. Furthermore, we try to make customers to enjoy the freshest fruits and vegetables through our channel. In this project, I have devoted considerable efforts to designing the One-Stop Service strategy, which is from pick cherry in the orchard to deliver to customers, also can trace the joint through App, within 24 hours. Cherry-selling as example, To date, more than 500 orders per day during the season. not only led by a 85 percent year-over-year increase for cherry but also drive up jobs rate in the village. I have passion about digital marketing, moreover, with the expansion of my horizons, I realize that the world has thousands of problems -poverty, environment- things that need good people, smart students to help to solve. I want to be a part of them through learning advanced international marketing skills. A lot of the nonprofits in North America have made great contributions to solving the world problems- global climate change issues, poverty and female injustice, etc. Therefore, the MBA is the best way to achieve my goal.

Maria - / 1096  
Mar 27, 2019   #2
Watch out for your misuse of prepositions, punctuation, and other grammar-related tools. I suggest reviewing these fundamentals to enhance your academic writing. You should also go through proper capitalization rules.

For instance, I would rewrite the third sentence of your first paragraph as:
Ever since high school, my parents have set two goals: get married before thirty and buy me a taxi for that wedding.
This is a more compressed and clear version. It ensures that you relay the information in a formal manner.
I also suggest looking into reviewing your usage of tenses - or how you incorporate these tenses into the sentence structure. There were a few mistakes, for instance, in some portions of the last sentences for the first paragraph.

What you could have done was write it as:
I am aware that my English cannot compete with native speakers. However, I believe that learning a language is like running a marathon: that it is, after all, a process of accumulation.

As for your second essay. I suggest shifting your introduction. You had introduced late the idea that the world's issues should be prioritized by students such as you. It would benefit your essay to put that before you began talking about the team you work for. I also suggest enhancing your arguments on the correlation between getting an MBA and helping people. Talk about how businesses do social outreach programs. Talk about the value of these programs.
OP Jolin lu 1 / 1  
Mar 27, 2019   #3
Thank you so much Maria!
That is really helpful. I need watch out grammars. I will upload new one. really appreciate it!


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