Motivation Letter for General Linguistics at Radboud University

Hi, everyone!
I am going to apply for general linguistics master programme at RU, So please kindly help me to review/correct/comment my motivation letter.
Thank you in advance :)

Motivation Letter - Linguistic Department

To Whom It Might Concern,

My name is [..], I graduated from Linguistics Department, Sundanese Literature Program from Faculty of Humanity, University of Padjadjaran on April 2016. I would like to continue my study in Linguistics at The Master's Programme of Radboud University, with a further specialization on General Linguistics.

By studying linguistics and participating in several linguistics researches have shaped my goal's career to become a researcher and lecturer. My friends and I did several researches and social experiments about Sociolinguistics: Bilingualism. We went to meet the society who is mastering more than one language. We took the sample and analyzed the differences. Me and my team went to four places, three years in a row while I was studying Sundanese Literature. There were Sukabumi, Kuningan, Brebes, and Pangandaran. Those places are located in the borderline, so the society were at least mastering two languages. The time when I analyzed all the data, I found the differences and the uniqueness of each languages. Frankly, I always find myself get excited and have been always wanting to share it to the people. In order to preserve local languages, annually, we presented all the data to share both knowledge and experiences living as 'the society'.

My personal motivation in learning about languages are my father and the nation; Indonesia. When I was in Elementary School, I was told by my father that languages are the very beginning in life. The codes that can make people understand about things in life, and he motivated me to learn another languages. He influenced me through the music and languages of another country, and that circumstance stimulated me to attend Faculty of Humanity and Linguistics Department. I pursued Sundanese major since I am sundanese and I have been wanting to share to the people how important to preserve local languages since Indonesia has many ethnics and languages.

As an active person, I joined several organizations and committees to make a good association with the other person from different background. Moreover, I was elected to be the chairwoman of the organizations for two periods. On top of that in 2015, I was elected to be the delegate of Indonesia in South Korea as a participant of fully-funded programme, Ajou International Summer School to embrace the diversity. I studied about humanity, especially in language and culture. I presented Indonesian local language and culture, also learned about Korean language and culture. Overall, I am pleased with my experiences as a student, since I was graduated as a government scholarship recipient with cum laude predicate yet I still can manage the organizations well, even study abroad.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I am motivated to gain new experiences, advance my skills and broaden my understanding of the dynamic linguistics, and I am persuaded that studying Linguistics in Master Program would contribute to my development as a researcher and lecturer. Therefore, I want to continue my study in Radboud University since it is a reputable research-based university as it is ranked 118th in the world. Moreover Radboud is notable as a university with quality of teaching, research, and service provision. Radboud has all the facilities that students need. I am personally amazed by the University Library and Nijmegen Centre for Academic Writing facilities. Thereupon I look forward to your positive response. I believe my qualification and your needs would be an excellent fit. Thank you very much for your time and for considering my application.

Best regards,
[..]

Choerunnisa, please move the paragraph pertaining to the actual motivation that you have for General Linguistics to the top of the essay. This would be the current 3rd paragraph. Make it your first paragraph so that the reviewer will immediately get an idea behind your true motivation. If you review your essay with a more critical eye, you will notice that the content is good, but it lacks coherence. So the presentation is a bit confusing and illogical.

If you reformat the essay by using the following chronological paragraphs, the essay will be easier to revise and understand. Use the following (paragraph) presentation instead: 3, 2, 4, 5. Paragraph one can be totally removed because that is information already known to the reviewer. You should only present immediate and relevant information in your motivation letter.

By the way, the 5th paragraph needs to be revised as well. Just go direct to the point and explain why you have chosen Radboud University for your masters learning program. You don't need to summarize the previous information because you only need to justify your desire to attend the university. Your other skills and related experiences can be best presented in the statement of purpose where you can further expand on the discussion in a proper manner.

Once you have completed your reorganized paragraphs, we can review the essay again and this time, concentrate, further improving the information or presentation of your essay.

Thanks for your feedback! I already edited and reformat the essay;

Motivation Letter

To Whom It Might Concern,

My name is [...], I graduated from Linguistics Department, Sundanese Literature Programme from Faculty of Humanity, University of Padjadjaran on April 2016. I would like to continue my study in Linguistics at The Master's Programme of Radboud University, with a further specialization on General Linguistics.

(...)

Choerunnisa, the reorganization of the essay worked well for you. Upon second review though, I found a flaw in your fourth paragraph. You mention joining several organizations and heading these twice. It would be great if you could mention what these organizations are and how they relate to your motivation to study a masters in General Linguistics. Frankly, telling the reviewer what you did in the organization, without giving the name, objectives, and / or mission of the organization makes the statement weak. It's kind of giving the why without giving the "Who? What? " first. So we need to know who (the organization) and then what (the background of the organization in relation to General Linguistics). This additional information should make the essay ready enough for one last review before finalization.

Since this is a motivational letter, the information about the organizations that you were a leader of are irrelevant to the discussion. Since these organizations do not have anything to do with your interest in General Linguistics, as they are more student politics related, the activities do not have a bearing on your motivation to apply for the course. Since it is not related, you should remove it from your motivational letter. It's removal will not affect your essay. Just present the information about the Ajou International Summer School instead because that sounds more like it is in line with the reasons for your interest in General Linguistics. You have to remove the last sentence of that paragraph though because it is not directly related to the General Linguistics discussion either. The information that I am asking you to remove should be set aside and used in your statement of purpose instead, if so required.

But you are still presenting non related information in paragraph 4 even though I clearly told you to remove the references to the student body activities that you had because those do not serve a motivational purpose in your letter. Why didn't you remove it? I fully expected to read a properly revised essay, based upon the advice I shared with you in thread #6. I am going to remind you at this point to revise paragraph 4 to not include the student body related activities. You can adjust the presentation of the tutoring that you did instead so that you can create a more relevant paragraph. Once you make that single, but all too important adjustment, the motivational letter will be complete.

I updated the motivation letter, thank you so much for the advices from both of you.
How about this one?

Motivation Letter

The time away from the editing of your essay truly paid off. This motivation letter is actually done. You can finally use the letter with the rest of your application documents. At this point, you have already developed a clear explanation regarding the motivation and growth of your interest in General Linguistics. It would seem that the reviewer will be particularly interested to read what else you have to say in relation to your interest in Linguistics and how well you can develop your skills in this field. Remove the reference to the unviersity being 118th in the world as that is irrelevant information that will not help the reviewer consider your own skills, talents, and abilities in relation to your application. After that, review the content of the essay for any spelling or punctuation errors. Once you have done a complete read through, the essay will be ready for submission.

Thank you so much @Holt and @d2ny for your help :) :) :)