Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter?

I need feedback for these two essays. I could not decide which one is the most important to mention, and I don't know whether these are good or bad motivation letters as I never wrote any motivation letter before. Besides, I realise that both are very long, I need to cut it but I don't know what parts that need to be shortened. All of the advice would be respected. thanks.

Since I was a child, I have engaged in the family business, despite just helping in simple things such as cashier or shop keeping until I am taking part in strategic decisions like nowadays. Although our family business is only fashion retail stores categorised as Small Medium Enterprises (SME's) and I also do not get any formal certificate for this work, it enormously gives me the actual experiences of business management. When I was in the university to achieve my bachelor degree, I attempted to combine the theories of management at class with the reality of business in my parents' shops as well as I could participate more in giving beneficial opinions to develop this family business. Hence, I have been altering the conventional methods from the management which is mostly about a price war in order to win the competition, into being more focusing on other vital managerial factors that enrich the bargaining value.

The shops are eventually applying new systems which are concerning in the segmentation from mainstream products to specialised goods, improving product assortments to meet more consumer needs, intensifying the product qualities from producers and salesman, undertaking cross pricing for the different products to avoid losing profit from price war, and, the simple yet totally indispensable, setting the convenient shopping experience which is playing music in the shop. These changes markedly influence us to lead the tight competition in the market.

However, at 9th May 2015, Johar Market, a market where my parents' stores located, thoroughly burned down. Either my family or other thousand vendors lost our kiosks in a blaze. In that moment, there were great financial difficulties surging our family business yet we have been able to revive gradually. In contrast, this disaster emerges a large number of economic and social problems in which one of them is the sadness of small vendors neglected as far as they are selling along the curbs in the shanties.

Then, I realised export is the answer for this challenge as traders are able to sell their product in large quantities possibly without having offline stores susceptible to an array of risks. In addition, I have gathered data from the trading agencies of Central Java province presenting the export number (non-oil and gas) between 2011 and 2015 from central java regions was US$4,844,268,594 in average which is only 3.26% from the total of country's export. This is a proof that my regions are very minim in export abilities, and it absolutely still has great opportunities to be uplifted. Obviously, it needs a serious concern from young generation including me to carry out a renewal for the nation's better future. The solution for small business people in long term circumstance is that small local businesses can make some collective groups to create a traditional paradigm shift and to increase their product quality together; afterwards, I can help in socialising the exports requirements and bridge them with many countries interested in their products.

To actualise the big plan supporting micro business people in my environment needs a great deal of knowledge for me in the real international trading conditions. By continuing to achieve my master degree overseas, I am able to learn more details about business management and the mechanism of international trading strategy in the high quality university that will enhance my knowledge useful for my country and particularly my regions to raise the export quantities in non-oil and gas industries as the government blueprint for the future of country's economic growth. Studying in the university which consists of many students from other countries is going to enrich my network in the global world to cooperate in business aiding small business people in my environment to distribute their product to other countries. Moreover, diversity is able to open my mindset and perspective broader in both social and cultural competencies. Cultural diffusion, acculturation, and assimilation generate more creativity and I want to be the part of world development.

After I have been graduated from master degree with my understanding of global business mechanism, I still stick to my vision to invite more small enterprises to develop their business and to have a role in the global market since the world is wide open for everyone as well as every person has plenty chances to take part in globalisation. For the public welfare, I am ready to face every distress in my life.

Or this version,

The answer for a problem is not always about solution, yet it is actually about our awareness to the main causes we are about to face. There is nothing named solution if we are unlikely conscious towards the matter occurred and trying to understand the detail inside of the problem.

Since I was a child, I have engaged in the family business, despite just helping in simple things such as cashier or shop keeping until I am taking part in strategic decisions like nowadays. Although our family business is only fashion retail stores categorised as Small Medium Enterprises (SME's) and I also do not get any formal certificate for this work, it enormously gives me the actual experiences of business management.

When I was pursuing my bachelor degree with all of the tense in study time and organisational activities, I attempted to combine the theories of management in my class with the reality of business in my parents' shops as well as I could participate more in giving beneficial opinions to develop this family business. Hence, I have been altering the conventional methods from the management which is mostly about a price war in order to win the competition, into being more focusing on other vital managerial factors that enrich the bargaining value. These changes markedly influence us to lead the tight competition in the market.

However, at 9th May 2015, Johar Market, a market where my parents' stores located, thoroughly burned down. Either my family or other thousand vendors lost our kiosks in a blaze. In that moment, there were great financial difficulties surging our family business, but we have been able to revive gradually. In contrast, this disaster emerges a large number of economic and social problems in which one of them is the sadness of small vendors neglected as far as they are selling along the curbs in the shanties.

Then, I realised export is the answer for this challenge as traders are able to sell their product in large quantities possibly without having offline stores susceptible to an array of risks. In addition, I have gathered data from the trading agencies of Central Java province presenting the export number (non-oil and gas) between 2011 and 2015 from central java regions was US$4,844,268,594 in average which is only 3.26% from the total of country's export. This is a proof that my regions are very minim in export abilities, and, on the other hand, it absolutely still has great opportunities to be uplifted.

To support micro business in my environment needs a great deal of knowledge for me in the real international trading conditions. By continuing to achieve my master degree overseas, I am able to learn more details about business management and the mechanism of international trading strategy in the high quality university that will enhance my knowledge useful for my country and particularly my regions to raise the export quantities in non-oil and gas industries as the government blueprint for the future of country's economic growth. Studying in the university which consists of many students from other countries is going to enrich my network in the global world to cooperate in business aiding small business people in my environment to distribute their product to other countries. Moreover, diversity is able to open my mindset and perspective broader in both social and cultural competencies. Cultural diffusion, acculturation, and assimilation generate more creativity and I want to be the part of world development.

After I have been graduated from master degree with my understanding of global business mechanism, I still stick to my vision to invite more small enterprises to develop their business and to have a role in the global market since the world is wide open for everyone as well as every person has plenty chances to take part in globalisation. For the public welfare, I am ready to face every distress in my life.

I recommend the first version. It has what the second version lacks: Unity and coherence. Before I start suggesting areas to cut off, could you please tell me the minimum/maximum word count? (You mentioned that your letter needs to be shortened.)

Hi Parjo, a motivational letter should normally fit on a single A4 size paper and be composed of only 4 paragraphs. So you are right about your motivational letter being too long. I hate to say this but in my opinion, neither of the letters that you developed work well for you because the focus of the letters are not correct. Having said that, you do not have to write a totally new letter to create your motivational letter though. You just need to take the relevant parts of each letter, covering the maximum 4 paragraphs, in order to plead your case. So which parts of these letters would I take to create the proper motivational letter for you?

Use the following parts from either letter:
The story of your parent's shop burning down;
Why you believe this course is something you will benefit from based upon that experience;
What skills you have academically and professionally that led you to the conclusion that you will excel in this masters study course;
Why you chose to study at this university.

A motivational letter is your chance to introduce your background to the masters committee. Your letter lacks that personal touch that will show them the motivations behind your actions. So by developing a 3rd letter, within the proper parameters of not having more than 4 paragraphs to explain your cause, your motivational letter will better introduce you to them.

For the motivational part, make sure that you explain the question that you developed after the fire and then pursue the line of explanation as to how the university can, in short form as most of the explanation should be located in your statement of purpose, assist you in pursuing the answer to the research question. Make sure you sound excited about attending the university in order to accomplish this. Show your passion for the subject. Don't sound so academic. There is no need to quote specific information in your letter. Just talk about your interest in the subject from a personal point of view. You are not yet writing your thesis at this point. Just keep it short and personal.

This letter is only a part of your application, it normally accompanies your other application essays and documentation. So the letter should only serve as a summary overview of the documents submitted. Focus on building your image as a successful person in your own right based upon your summarized academic and professional accomplishments.

@EditorPal
Hi Pal, thank you for your comment.
The maximum of writing is about a page of A4 paper it should have included my signature in the bottom of it.
How is you suggestion? I'm stuck here to cut off my letter.
your answer is totally appreciated. thanks..

@Holt
Hi Holt, thank you very much.
Your explanation is totally great and it makes me to open my mind.
Therefore, I have many question following your feedback. It would be really nice if you could help to answer my questions.

From the parts you mentioned, are those the story line per paragraph?
Do you mean I should start the first paragraph by telling the story of my parent's shop, and so on ?
One more important fact, I have no academic and professional experience as I am just graduated from bachelor degree yet applying any job. My experience academically is just about joining student organisation in my campus and tending some seminars. Well said, my strongest point is in the informal experience which is organising my family business. how do you think about it?

This one is difficult for me, when I'm introducing my background, how I can write motivation letter that showing, not telling.

why should I just explain only after the fire? the story before the fire is quite good as well cause I help changing the management and business practice in my family business. could you explain more specific?

The data, in my point of view, is just to strengthen my mission to export more local products. Doesn't it seem important to mention?

thank you holt.
I'm sorry if my questions are too many, but I really need to ask about those.
Your respond is very appreciated.

Hi Parjo, let me start by saying that you are selling yourself short by saying that you don't have any professional experience. The fact that you worked in your parents store means that you have work / profession related experience to speak of. So never say tha tyou do not have any work experience because you do.

Let me see if I can help you better sort out how the paragraph topics should go in your letter. Now, you know that this should use a letter format because you have to sign the form at the end of the letter. Therefore, this is not a simple statement essay, but rather a formal document that should properly inform the reader. So the best way to present your motivation would be in this manner:

For the first paragraph, explain the work experience that you had at your parent's store. If your parents assigned you to formal position titles, mention it in the paragraph along with a short description of the work that you did in relation to the title. By the end of this paragraph, you should already be transitioning into the reason for your interest in this field of study.

The second paragraph should contain a direct reference to your motivation to study this course. It would be beneficial if you could mention that the store burned at this point and how this motivated you look into the possibility of not having physical stores for your family business anymore. Don't mention any data specific information because that is not part of the requirements of the essay. Also, just because the data makes mention of certain specifics, that doesn't mean that you qualify under the same criteria. So lessen the chance of comparison by simply not mentioning information not directly related to your personal motivation to pursue the course.

Third paragraph, explain how you have decided that this is an avenue of study that you have chosen to pursue due to what happened to your family and that you have chosen this university to attend.

Fourth paragraph. Inform the reviewer that you are excited to start attending the upcoming semester at the university under the masters course of your choice. Close by reminding the reviewer that your motivation to complete these studies are strong based upon your personal experience.

I hope this clarifies things for you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you have any other questions. I am looking forward to assisting you further in the development of your paper.

Hello Parjo,
Kindly do not write, that you don't have any work experience. Because you have! and I honestly think you should actually start writing your letter with a kick off sentence. It may be your personal quote or something you are really proud of or something that pays a significant value in your life.

The first essay is quite well written. The second one does not provide best impression of you. I think you'd be better of working with the first essay. Let me know how its working out for you.

Thank you!!

@Holt
thanks a lot Rose, your name is rose, isn't it? sorry if I'm wrong..
your support and your advice for each paragraph help me a lot.
do you mind if I will inform you to review my letter again?
I will come over the next few days to make a new one.
It takes time for me to finish it.
once again, thanks a lot..

Hey Parjo. Yes, one of my names is Rose and you call me that if you want to. I don't mind. I am happy that I am able to help you improve your letter with the little help that I can offer in terms of guiding you in the development of the content of your letter. Don't forget, you are the one writing the letter so this is all about your abilities. I am only pointing you in the right direction. It is because you can understand and follow the advice given to you that your letter will continue to improve until you feel ready to submit it.

You can definitely inform me when you post your revised letter. Just start the post with my name at the start of your post so I will know to check your work once you upload it. Remember to post the revised version in this thread because the admit will just merge your new post with this one if you start a new thread for it.

I will be more willing to continue working with you on the content and format of the paper. I often see the new posts or continuing posts of the people I am helping so I will make sure to keep an eye out for your essay. I look forward to reading your letter in a few days. I know it will definitely show marked improvement on your part.

[Moved from]: Motivation Letter for applying Master degree - could everybody give inputs to enhace it?

Hey Parjo, I adjusted the content of your essay to be more closely aligned with a motivational letter. I trust that I covered all of the important information in your original work so you only have to add a paragraph that explains why you decided to seek enrollment at this university in particular. Continue your development of the essay from the last paragraph I have below:

I have been engaged our family business ever since I learned to compute the sales total of our clients on a calculator. My parents have always believed that starting a child young in the family business creates a greater sense of ownership, accomplishment, and a desire to see the business continue to grow over the years. I am the embodiment of that idealogy. That is the reason why I decided to study Business Management in college and also the reason why I feel a sense of duty, obligation, and responsibility to take our family business into the 21st century.

Unfortunately, my parents storefront, located in the Johar Market burned down some time ago. This was when I was awakened to the fact that my parents business, being concentrated more on the local market is what caused our business recovery after the incident to slow down to almost no progression. We needed to find a better market for our sales, a bigger target crowd that would increase our sales. However, without a storefront, I knew it would be difficult. That is when I turned my attention to International Business studies and the possiblity of increasing our market share through non-storefront international sales. I decided that now would be the best time for us to go global. In order to do so, I will need to complete higher studies with an MS in International Business. This is the motivation that pushes me to complete higher studies.

By completing my degree abroad, I will be able to get an actual feel of the international business market and the pulse of trends in our particular line of sales. I will be able to create my international business network through relationships with my classmates as well be able to create an international business strategy for our business.

@Holt
Hi Rose,
thank you for your advice.
You are making very good paragraphs for my motivation letter.I am going to write it to fix my letter again.
Am I just making the last paragraph as a closing statement? cause the point of social welfare for the small vendors in my environment is not stated yet. Should I still mention my intention to help them exporting the products? or just sticking to my personal goal to take my family business into global market? I really feel pity to them.. they are sadly in the poverty now.. What is your suggestion?

Parjo, you should save the discussion about helping the small businesses for your statement of purpose. That is one of the purposes that you have for further study and will be better discussed in that essay prompt. This essay should reflect more of your personal reasons for wishing to pursue these studies. That is why it is called a motivation letter.

The motivating factor for your desire for higher study is personal, the fact that your parent's store front burned down and they lost almost everything related to their business. As their child, your full concentration should be on helping them recover. That is the strong motivating factor that you have. The desire to help the other small businesses is only secondary and as such, isn't the strongest motivation that you have for aspiring to have a masters degree. Think about it. Isn't the main reason for your study the fact that you want to help your parents bring their business online internationally? So they are your priority. The family business comes first, the others, second. The primary motivation is the family business.

If it were up to me, I would just focus on the personal motivation in this letter since you have a true personal interest in the matter. However, if you wish to add the small business concern, then go ahead. Let's see how you plan to work it in and I'll see if there is anything that I should do to improve it.