MPH Statement - "the understanding of public health research"

Hi -I am applying to the MPH program, any suggestions and comment are welcome!
Many thanks inadvance!

My interest in public health started at a very young age. I joined the Hong Kong Red Cross at age of twelve. I was involved in many kinds of volunteer services and some are related to health service and promotion in the local community. After 3 years in the service, I became the service leader of the unit and organized my first community project in the area. The project aim was to promote knowledge of hepatitis prevention to a group of children under 12 years old. It was challenging but rewarding. Through organizing the 3 day event, I learnt a great deal from planning and coordinating the event with the local youth group organization. I also learnt the importance of disease prevention and how to prevent the indigenous diseases. The most interesting part of all was to think of ways to deliver the message to the children. The project was a success, we got their attention through different activities and I believe they have also taken the health message home. All these experiences I gained during the time in Red Cross were very inspiring. Through various kinds of volunteer health service work I involved in, I've had a chance to interact with people of different age groups and from different social backgrounds. I often look back on how all of these experiences have affected me, realizing the importance of infusing health care concepts in young adults by integrating health awareness in educational programs. Providing the channel for individuals to develop a sense of responsibility for a well-being from young age is very important.

Throughout my time at the University studying Nutrition, I learnt how diet and behavioral factors like lifestyle choices can affect ones health and quality of life. Health promotion and campaigns provides everyone the knowledge to improve health and health outcomes such as disease prevention, life expectancy and quality of life.

Health promotion is relatively new discipline for developing countries like China. The implementation of a public health system is often considered relatively unimportant compared to economic development. Development of public health is not only restricted by lack of understanding by the policy maker and also limited by lack of sizable pool of professional practitioners. Reading news about workers from poor areas risking their health everyday expose to toxins at work, unaware the serious harm that it will be done and it will cost their lives. I realize the urgent need of more health practitioners in China to help raise awareness of public health. I hope one day I can join other trained health workers to promote health care and disease prevention so more lives can be saved.

My past working experience has been concentrated in drug research. It has given me a basic grounding in research and planning clinical trials. I believe the Master of Public Health Program in XXX University will enable me to gain a comprehensive understanding of public health research and concept of public policy. I hope through taking part in the MPH program, I can put my experience in use for future public health research and practice health promotion in developing country. Provide people from a disadvantaged background a fairer chance of getting health information and access to health services.

Thank you Susan, really appreciated!
Do you think I should talk about why I want to choose the university that I am applying to?

The main reason I am applying for this particular university is because it is a distance learning program. I wasn't very confident about distance learning at first but I bumped into a professor who was teaching at this university by chance. We talked about health policy over breakfast and I mentioned about distance learning in the conversation. She assured me by telling me that despite it is distance learning, their school ensure the quality and provide support to the student and they can tell when their student is struggling and provide the help they need.

I am not sure if this reason is good enough to put into my statement- I can't even remember what course the professor was teaching. Please let me know what do you think?

thanks.

Hi, I'll give my opinion, because I must have gotten here before Susan... :-)
I want to suggest that this is NOT a good reason. It is just a general statement about distance learning. Your challenge is like this:

Explain to the reader your GOAL for the future and what you will need to do to achieve it. Be specific. Then, show the reader that part of your plan for achieving the goal can be best carried out at this school in this program. Make the reader understand that you are the kind of student who plans for the future and that THIS SCHOOL has to be part of the plan.

Here is a great example of the writing concept called "Show, don't tell."
Do not make claims. Instead, show an image. Look at the way I'll improve the intro:

My interest in public health started at a very young age. I joined the Hong Kong Red Cross at age of twelve. I was involved in many kinds of volunteer and health services and some are related to health service and promotion in the local community. After three years in the...(I changed 3 to three, because it looks nicer.)

Okay, I killed that first sentence, because it made a claim. Claims are weak. Talk is cheap. The second sentence is GREAT because it shows the reader instead of making a claim. The first sentence is unnecessary, because if you begin the essay with the second sentence the reader will come to her own conclusion that your "interest in public health started at a very young age."

See what I mean? Readers love to figure things out on their own.

Also, cut out as many words as possible. Always streamline:
My past working experience has been concentrated in drug research.

Always cut the words "I believe" because they always weaken the essay:
I believe t The Master of Public Health Program in XXX University will enable...

:-)

Thank you both Kevin & Susan.
Your advice is so valuable and extremly useful.

The last comment from Kevin is so true and I agree every bit of it. I am grateful for your help and thank you for your time.

Wish you all the best and I will visit Essay Forum regularly and hope one day I can contribute too :)

N

Please do! We need a lot of help to correct all these essays. Thanks for being here.

Kevin~ I feel confused after reading your comments.
Why you delete the first sentence "My interest in public health started at a very young age. "? What's wrong with this beginning?

Also, don't you think if the ps. begins with "I joined the Hong Kong Red Cross at age of twelve...", it seems lack the beginning?