Please give me your input this is only my introduction what should I add delete or change, please be harsh ! thank you !
New Products are produced everyday and new ideas are conceived by the second. Regardless of the time period, the development of new inventions has accelerated and we now live in a society where last year's new technology is today's ancient history. Behind these products are the engineers who take these products through the design process starting with research until ending with production. My vision, dream, desire and career goal and is to become an engineer who actively participates in the design and development of new technology. Becoming a mechanical engineer is the next step in accomplishing this fascinating career.
New Products are produced everyday and new ideas are conceived by the second.Regardless of the time period, the development of new inventions has accelerated and we now live in a society where last year's new technology is today's ancient history.
I feel your idea is repeated again. So you may get rid of one of these sentences. I prefer the second one. It is presented well and sounds more catchy to be your opening statement :) So my choice is to scrap off the first sentence :DBehind these products are the engineers who take these products through the design process, from thestarting with research stage totheuntil ending with productionfinal finished product .
------------ Did introduce a small change.This is good.... but the first few introductory statements are the facts that everybody knows.... Why not start with one of your personal experience that introduce you to the admission committee as a passionate lover of mechanical engineering.... They would want to know you ; your passion, commitment, credentials, character etc.etc.
thank you guys ! I will be uploading the rest of it this week :) if you can continue helping me that would be a blessing and literally life changing help !
dumi
ok I changed things up a bit ! again I REALLY appreciate it!
I became interested in the field of mechanical engineering during my final year as an undergraduate. At the time, I was a team member of group called WESTEC, a competition based on manufacturing and the efficiency of production. My team researched, designed, and produced a first place, fully working, electromechanically operated pinball machine. At the time, I was currently an industrial technology undergraduate and was in charge of designing the components on computer aided software that included, Solidworks, CATIA, Autocad and MasterCAM. During the process of designing the machine, I began to see all the different components that worked together to be part of a single working product. When the competition was over, talked to a teammate who was working on his mechanical engineering degree. As I did my own research thereafter, I developed a fascination for the broad fields that a mechanical engineer works under such as thermodynamics, fluid dynamics and composite materials to name a few.
After learning about all the different fields of mechanical engineering and the experience I gained through building the pinball machine, I was not satisfied because I did not have enough theoretical knowledge. I know California State University of Long Beach is the right decision for me because I have thoroughly researched the professors and I look forward to working with professors like Dr. Hamid Rahai and his work on aerodynamics, and convective heat. Likewise, I am beneficial to the mechanical engineering department because I have a vision, and a desire to achieve great goals helping society by contributing in developing new products.
Regardless of the time period, the development of new inventions has accelerated and we now live in a society where last year's new technology is today's ancient history. Behind these products are the engineers who take these products through the design process, from research stage to the final finished product. I am passionate about contributing to this captivating field of engineering. Becoming a mechanical engineer is the next step I need to take to make my vision a reality.
I became interested in the field of mechanical engineering during my final year as an undergraduate.
I wish your opening statement comes with a better punch. You can even start with the next line and then tell them how you became interested in mech engineering : )At the time, I was a team member of group called WESTEC, that took part in a competition based on manufacturing and the efficiency of production.
.... I guess WESTEC is the team name and not the competitionAt the time, I was currentlyan industrial technology undergraduate and was also in charge of designing the components on computer aided software that included, Solidworks, CATIA, Autocad and MasterCAM as a part of academic requirements for industrial technology.
During the process of designing the machine, I began to see all the different components that worked together to be part of a single working product.
When the competition was over, talked to a teammate who was working on his mechanical engineering degree.
This is an incomplete sentence.... you talked what? this does not reveal anything to the reader : (that you sir for your great input ! is this a little better ?
As an undergraduate I was a team member for a competition called WESTEC, a competition based on manufacturing and efficiency of production. My team researched, designed, and produced a first place, fully working, electromechanically operated pinball machine. I was in charge of designing the components on computer aided software that included, Solidworks, CATIA, Autocad and MasterCAM as a part of academic requirements for industrial technology. During the process of designing the machine, I began to see all different components that worked together to be part of a single working product. When the competition was over, I talked to a teammate who was working on his mechanical engineering degree and quickly realized there was so much more to engineering. As I did my own research thereafter, I developed a fascination for the broad fields that a mechanical engineer works under such as thermodynamics, fluid dynamics and composite materials to name a few.
After learning about all the different fields of mechanical engineering and the experience I gained through building the pinball machine, I realized I did not have enough theoretical knowledge. I know California State University of Long Beach is the right decision for me because I have thoroughly researched the professors and I look forward to working with professors like Dr. Hamid Rahai, his work on aerodynamics, and convective heat. Likewise, I am beneficial to the mechanical engineering department because I have a vision, and a desire to achieve great goals helping society by contributing in developing new products and I will achieve it through hard work, dedication and time management.
I have started my journey as an engineer by starting to network. Attending STEM, a conference formally known as HEENAC, allowed me the opportunity to network with practicing engineers and take valuable advice from them to carry on my voyage. Attending this conference not only allowed me to meet people but I was a scholarship recipient who was awarded by Southern California Edison. This honor was awarded in tribute to the hard work invested in my academics. Hard work that will translate if I am given the privilege to become part of the CSULB student body.
Regardless of the time period, the development of new inventions has accelerated and we now live in a society where last year's new technology is today's ancient history. Behind these products are the engineers who take these products through the design process, from research stage to the final finished product. I am passionate about contributing to this captivating field of engineering. Becoming a mechanical engineer is the next step I need to take to make my vision a reality. I want to dedicate my time doing what I love and help technology advance.
It does not talk about why you want to be a engineer rather jus talks about what does an engineer do
Start something " The rapidly chaingin world of technology always amazes me..."
