(NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice) - Personal Statement

I am applying for the MPH degree in Epidemiology and I need help with my personal statement. My main area of concern is the length of the essay. In the essay question it is mentioned that the essay should be approximately 250 words, however, it is literally impossible to write an essay of 250 words and be able to completely address the question asked. Right now (after a few editings) my essay is 647 words. I feel like I can't shorten it any more. What do I do? Is it ok to submit an essay of this length which is more than twice the required length or is it a big NO NO and suggests that i don't follow orders. Do read my essay and help me, not just with the length but also other possible errors. I don't have much time (only 3 days) so please do help me.Your help will be truly appreciated as I have nobody to go to for help or proofreading.

Here is the essay question:
A double-spaced Personal Statement of approximately 250 words that states why you wish to attend graduate school and why you choose a particular program. Career and professional goals should also be included.

Sometimes there are instances in our lives when we think we've got everything figured out, only to be proven wrong. A situation like this can be really difficult to deal with; especially when there is pressure from the family. Nonetheless, despite the complication and the confusion, such unexpected turns in our lives can happen for the better.

My mother had always wanted to be a doctor, but her dreams were cut short when she was arranged to marry my father at the young age of twenty. She couldn't study beyond her freshman year of college, but she wanted to see her dream fulfilled by me, her eldest child. As a result of her influence, I too aimed to be a doctor. I never felt burdened by such anticipations as I had a deep interest in the sciences from an early age, which was bolstered by the fact that I had incredible teachers in school.

In college I was a Pre-Med student, but continued to take math courses because of my personal interest in the subject. Within a year, I became well acquainted with my math professors who really helped my passion for math grow exponentially. Consequently, I changed my major to Mathematics, though still enrolled in the Pre-Med program. However, during my senior year, while I was relentlessly working on my senior thesis, I started questioning my decision about medical school. I had invested so much time and energy into my math courses and had learnt so much that I wasn't sure if I was ready to give it all up for med school, where my mathematical skills wouldn't be fully utilized. On the other hand, I still desired to help people lead healthy lives. I was very conflicted as and was afraid to tell my mother how I felt. I was scared I would let her down.

The following year, along with working a fulltime job, I decided to enroll in a Microbiology course at the local community college. During my undergraduate years I had wanted to take Microbiology on more than one occasion, but unfortunately the schedule for this class always conflicted with my mandatory math courses. One of the topics we covered in this class was Epidemiology. We learnt about the various epidemic outbreaks and the responsible pathogens. I did my final presentation on the Cholera problem in Bangladesh. I was very fascinated and intrigued by Epidemiology, and found it to be a good mix of math and biology. It allows me to combine my love of caring for people's health with my interest in Math, especially Mathematical Modeling.

Upon obtaining my MPH degree, I hope to work for a non-profit organization, be it local or international, as a field epidemiologist for disease control. This is my dream job as it involves travelling to various places and working at the site of the outbreak to help the people affected by the epidemic. As an epidemiologist one can prevent millions of lives from being lost to various pathogens, or control a prevailing epidemic from taking more lives. It is indeed a rewarding, albeit challenging job. Eventually, I would also like to obtain a PhD and be involved in academia, working as a faculty member in a research institute where I can work on research in the field of infectious disease epidemiology and also work towards publications.

I am certain that graduate study in Epidemiology at NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice is an ideal match for my career aspirations of becoming a full proof health professional capable of performing epidemiological researches and contributing to the betterment of our society. I am a curious person with a great thirst for knowledge. With my undergraduate background in mathematics and biology along with a good Liberal Arts education, I can genuinely say that I will be a good fit for the MPH program in Epidemiology at NYMC.

I think you can try to remove paragraph 1 and 2 since it's not really important. You can try to summarize the paragraph 3 and 4 since it is interconnected and throw unnecessary details. This is what I can summarize from your essay :

It begins when I was in the college, I enrolled as Pre-Med student. During that moment I focused more on mathematics causing a dilemmatic moment for me whether continuing as medic was right decision. This dilemmatic situation ended when I attended bachelor degree at local community college in which I found very interesting subject, epidemiology. This subject is mix between math and biology which allowing me to use my capability in maths and to still pursue my passion in medic. Thus this decision brings me to choose epidemiology as my graduate study.

In the future, I would like to work as epidemiologist for disease control. This is my dream job as it involves travelling to various places and working at the site of the outbreak to help the people affected by the epidemic. As an epidemiologist one can prevent millions of lives from being lost due to various pathogens, or control a prevailing epidemic from taking more lives. It is indeed a rewarding, albeit challenging job.

I am sure that by attending graduate study in Epidemiology at NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice, it will provide me with adequate knowledge, skills, experience and advancement in area of epidemiology which will be modal for my future career. Furthermore, with undergraduate background in mathematics and biology along with a good Liberal Arts education, I believe that I will be a good candidate for the MPH program in Epidemiology at NYMC.

Try to change the red color one, since it shows you are more for travelling than do your job as epidemiologist. By the way you still can elaborate the idea, I just give you a big picture of it.

Stick to how many word it limits, since it will be consideration if you excess the limit.

Wishing you luck for your application.

Thanks for your reply Hadi. Yes, I am trying to shorten paragraph 3 and 4 and join them together as I feel like thats where I have the most unnecessary details. I think I'll follow your opinion about the "travelling to various places" part. However, I'm not sure about removing paragraph 1 since thats my Intro paragraph before I start answering the essay topic in the next paragraph. I know that the personal statement is different from regular essays, but I'm not used to just adressing the essay topic from the start. It is really fine if I don't know an intro paragraph?

Thanks a lot for your suggestions. They were indeed helpful.

There are plenty of ways how you start your essay, by telling stories, quotation, or etc... In this example, I try to use your past as the way to get attention. Furthermore, you have only 250 words to say which mean you need to focus on the question itself. This is a trick on essay like this, how many information you can put in your essay and whether it answers the question or not.

So in my suggestion, read the essay again and ask yourself whether it has answered the question or not, if you feel so that it should be good enough.

One question: Do you need a title for your Personal Statement?

So after several editing, it is now 359 words from 647 words. Do read the latest version of my Personal Statement and state your opinion. Is 350 words for a requested 250 word essay fine or should I cut down more words?

My mother had always wanted to be a doctor, but her dream was cut short when she was arranged to marry my father at a young age. Consequently, she hoped to see her dream fulfilled by me, her eldest child. I never felt pressured by such anticipations as I had a deep interest in the sciences from an early age.

In college I was a Pre-Med student, but continued to take math courses because of my personal interest in the subject. Soon my passion for math grew and I changed my major to Mathematics, although still enrolled in the Pre-Med program. Nonetheless, I started questioning my decision about medical school towards the end of my senior year. I had invested so much time and energy into my math courses and had learned so much that I wasn't sure if I was ready to give it up for med school, where my mathematical skills wouldn't be fully utilized. On the other hand, I still desired to work in the health field. The following year I took a course in Microbiology at the local community college. One of the topics covered in this class was Epidemiology. I was very fascinated by Epidemiology and found it to be a good mix of biology and math, allowing me to combine my love of caring for people's health with my interest in math, particularly Mathematical Modeling.

Upon obtaining my MPH degree, I hope to work for a non-profit organization as a field epidemiologist for disease control. This is my dream career as it involves working at the site of the outbreak to help the affected people directly. Eventually, I would also like to obtain a PhD and be involved in academia, where I can do research in the field of infectious disease epidemiology and work towards publication.

I am certain that graduate study in Epidemiology at NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice is an ideal match for my career aspirations of becoming a field epidemiologist. With my undergraduate background in mathematics and biology along with a good Liberal Arts education, I do believe that I will be a good fit for this program.

I think you should remove the entire paragraph I copied and posted below as it would not really hurt your essay. Is the question asking you why you want to change career to become an Epidemiologist or what. In other words is this a master degree for those who have never taken science class before but are trying to change their career into another field such as the one you are applying to. If that is not the case, i think you should start your essay where you said you took a microbiology class and you did your final pepar on cholera. That way you would have answered the question without too much fillers.

"In college I was a Pre-Med student, but continued to take math courses because of my personal interest in the subject. Soon my passion for math grew and I changed my major to Mathematics, although still enrolled in the Pre-Med program. Nonetheless, I started questioning my decision about medical school towards the end of my senior year. I had invested so much time and energy into my math courses and had learned so much that I wasn't sure if I was ready to give it up for med school, where my mathematical skills wouldn't be fully utilized. On the other hand, I still desired to work in the health field. The following year I took a course"

I think your second paragraph should start something like this:

In college I was a Pre-Med student, but i decided to take a course in Microbiology at the local community college. One of the topics covered in this class was Epidemiology. I was very fascinated by Epidemiology as it will allow me to combine my love of caring for people's health with my interest in math, another subject i love dearly particularly Mathematical Modeling.

I also think your fourth paragraph should be your third. The whole essay seemed like is lacking something more. I guess is the way the paragraphs are arranged.

Hope this works.

Ok. So I took some of your suggestions and made some changes. Its now 302 words, which I think is fine in terms of the essay length. So here is the latest edited version.

A double-spaced Personal Statement of approximately 250 words that states why you wish to attend graduate school and why you choose a particular program. Career and professional goals should also be included.

My mother had always wanted to be a doctor, but her dream was cut short when she was arranged to marry my father at a young age. Consequently, she hoped to see her dream fulfilled by me, her eldest child. Under her influence, I too aimed to be a doctor. I never felt pressured by such expectation as I had a keen interest in the sciences from an early age.

While in college, a growing passion for math eventually made me question my decision about medical school, although I still desired to work in the health field. The following year I took a microbiology course at the local community college which brought epidemiology to my attention, as it was one of the topics covered in the course. Epidemiology allowed me to combine my love of health science with my interest in math, particularly mathematical modeling. I was so fascinated by epidemiology that I did my final project for the course on the topic 'Cholera epidemics in Bangladesh'. Researching for this project further ensured me to do my graduate study in Epidemiology.

Upon obtaining my MPH degree, I hope to work for a non-profit organization as a field epidemiologist for disease control. This is my dream career as it involves working at the site of the outbreak to help the affected people directly. Eventually, I would also like to obtain a PhD and do research in the field of infectious disease epidemiology and work towards publications.

I am certain that graduate study in Epidemiology at NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice is an ideal match for my career aspirations of becoming a field epidemiologist. With my undergraduate background in mathematics and biology along with a good Liberal Arts education, I do believe that I will be a good fit for this program.

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What do you think?

hey this is an example of how i stated my personal statement :

start intro :
One of my favourite insects is the butterfly. I am especially drawn to its ability to transform from an unattractive and unassuming caterpillar trapped in a cocoon into a free and beautiful butterfly. In many ways, I am like the caterpillar in its final stage of development: newly formed butterfly wings ready to break free from the cocoon of obscurity. From a young age my interest in engineering has propelled me towards becoming an engineer.

body:

end conclusion:
Holistically through my extracurricular accomplishments, creativity, character, personality and background; I believe will contribute broadest possible sense to your engineering course.
Gaining admission into this course at your university will help me to develop more skills that will be valuable as I transition from the caterpillar to the liberated and beautiful butterfly in the world of mechanical engineering. I look forward to leaving the cocoon of sixth form and joining a prestigious, but not exclusive, group of engineering students at you university. It is my hope that the academic committee will support my application and allow me to take flight at you university in the upcoming academic year.