Poured my heart and mind in writing SOP for Mechanical Engg at Purdue. Expecting valuable comments.

My firm ambition and passion from early days was to become an Indian Air Force (IAF) Officer. I vividly recall reading with immense curiosity about IAF, fighter jets and leading defense contractors manufacturing them around the globe. In course of following my aim, I cultivated special interest for subjects like mathematics, science and an insatiable attraction towards aircrafts and machines in general. Though my goal didn't materialize owing to my eyesight not meeting the stringent requirements, guidance of my late father then made it easier for me to think beyond and widen my outlook. In today's ever modernizing and technologically driven world, where engineering with application of scientific knowledge is serving mankind, the role of an engineer and his fundamental purpose to create is rising exponentially. Convinced of the fact that engineering would nurture my interests and indirectly help to chase my aspirations laid the foundation of my career in mechanical engineering. [..]

You are writing a statement of purpose, not an academic and professional biography. I suggest that you stick to the statement of purpose by presenting your dreams and aspirations for the future. Limiting your work and academic experiences to only the most influential events that further gave you reason and direction for your desire to enroll in this course. Remember, you need to keep your statement of purpose concise and not overwhelmed with information about work and academic related experiences. That is not the purpose of an SOP. At this point, the essay makes for cluttered and confusing reading because you are cramming too much unnecessary information into it.

- You can remove this whole portion because your statement of purpose only comes in after all of this. This is information that I am sure will be discussed in a separate essay application.Deleting this will make your essay easier to read and bring your SOP closer to its requirements.

- This deviates from your SOP. This is part of a personal statement and this thus, unnecessary in this essay.

Your SOP could actually be quite short and direct to the point if you delete the unnecessary paragraphs. I suggest you try to delete these paragraphs and then read the new version. Compare the two. I am sure you will see what I saw :-)

Thanks a lot for the comments! I got your point but have a query as follows:

Most of the universities I am applying ask only for a statement of purpose. I agree the content you striked off would be more suited to be in a personal statement or an admission essay, but what will be your suggestions i do if they are not asking for it or give a provision to submit one as an optional document.

I want to share my experiences, background, lessons learnt, motivation and special circumstances with the admissions committee. Wouldn't it help them assess if am qualified to be a graduate student ? This was the idea behind putting this all information.

I can reduce the description of typical academic experiences in undergraduate education but my professional ones were quite encouraging for me and has propelled me to pursue graduate education.

Waiting for your response... Thanks again ! :)

- I suggest that you do not give any information that they are not asking for. At this point in your career, you are expected to have already done notable things in your field of expertise. Which is why you feel that you need to pursue higher learning. It is the reason behind the higher learning that the admission officer is interested in learning about. The SOP is a preliminary interview. If the admissions officer decides to look further into your application, he may decide to ask for additional information later on. Do not be presumptuous and provide information that is not required nor expected.


- Your statement of purpose should not be longer than 2 pages, double spaced maximum unless otherwise specified by the application. Therefore, you need to pick out only the most important information relating directly to your application for graduate school. The motivation behind your application is the most important. That will include a portion of your personal and academic background along with your relevant work experience. These parts, when combined, creates the reason behind your SOP.


- While you may consider all of your work experience important to your application, they may not be relevant to your purpose for applying to graduate school. There is a difference between the two. So choose your professional experience that you feel was directly involved in your desire to pursue higher studies. You need to keep the paper short but interesting and informative. Otherwise you will lose the interest of the admission officer during the preliminary round.

Of course I can only make suggestions that I feel will improve your paper. The final decision regarding the content and its presentation are all up to you :-)

Hi,
Thank you very much for the valuable suggestions. I will work on my SOP based on your inputs and get back to you soon.
Regards,
Abhijeet