My professional career went in a different direction;SOP for MPH Program

Hello house, i need help with proof-reading of my SOP for the MPH program i'm applying for. Will be grateful for your insightful reviews,thanks

Here goes:

Seven years ago, when I was on a one-year post-internship national youth service program in a rural village in northern Nigeria and was the only medical doctor taking care of a community of about eight thousand inhabitants, I was constantly treating many patients with preventable diseases like malaria, pneumonia and diarrheal illnesses. My work became very exhausting and I knew it was time I applied the preventive and social medicine skills I had learnt in medical school to break the vicious cycle of poverty, ignorance and disease that existed in the community. I was able to present a strong case and lobby for hundreds of insecticide-treated mosquito nets from the state ministry of health; these were distributed to the various households in the village and created a lot of excitement in the entire community. It was then very easy to engage the people through their village head in a series of public health lectures about these preventable diseases and how to treat them before coming to the hospital. The results of these efforts were very remarkable and it was then I realized the need for graduate studies in public health if I am to be more useful to the poverty-stricken communities of Nigeria. Needless to say that the number of patients I subsequently attended to in the clinic was reduced drastically by the interventions I had put in place.

My professional career went in a different direction, however, when I returned to the big city of Lagos even though the dream of pursuing graduate studies in public health lay at the back of my mind. I plunged myself into the private medical practice of the city where I began to see the same trend, albeit to a lesser degree, of preventable diseases in the metropolis. The city life was much more organised, however, and I was able to, in addition to the other services I rendered, carry out weekly routine immunisation to infants, children and adults, HIV counselling and testing, periodic free screening for diabetes and hypertension, distribution of mosquito nets provided by the non-governmental organisations, and talks to pregnant mothers about their health concerns in pregnancy and the post-partum period. My graduate research in pharmacology was focused on malaria mostly due to the public health burden of the disease that I saw first-hand in my years of medical practice.

I believe that graduate studies in Public health will equip me with the tools needed to combat the many public health issues that my country currently faces. Nigeria remains one of the three countries still fighting the scourge of polio when the rest of the world has moved on and is one of the countries with the highest child and maternal mortality rates. I have studied and practiced medicine in this unique environment and will be able to bring some diversity to the public health program in your school. I hope I will bring many ideas to the table from socioeconomic and cultural perspectives and contribute meaningfully to case studies, class discussions and research. I am sure I will leave with many ideas too, and a sound training that will enable me, on my return home to the ministry of health or a non-governmental organisation, bring the much needed improvement in the public health sector and the well being of a vast number of people.

Overall, I feel you're content is superficial and inconcise. In all respects,
I feel that you state alot of facts about what you have done but it does not get into detail, or explain how that experience has shaped you and you're decision. For instance..

First Paragraph: I feel there is no hook, too informative and less explanation of your desires to want to further you're education.

Seven years ago, when I was on a one-year post-internship national youth service program in a rural village in northern Nigeria and was the only medical doctor taking care of a community of about eight thousand inhabitants, I was constantly treating many patients with preventable diseases like malaria, pneumonia and diarrheal illnesses. My work became very exhausting and I knew it was time I applied the preventive and social medicine skills I had learnt in medical school to break the vicious cycle of poverty, ignorance and disease that existed in the community...

Instead: Im not sure where you are from, but you can talk about the difference in community from where you live to the population of nigeria. How these life differences for instance coming from the US then traveling to Nigeria influenced on how you see the world now and discovered the undeserved communities in Nigeria. Something meaningful to convey to you're readers. Or talk about an experience you had with a patient in nigeria that really made you realize or prompt you to want to make a difference.

The second paragraph: You ONLY talk about what you've done but not how those actions were meaningful.

" The city life was much more organized, however, and I was able to, in addition to the other services I rendered, carry out weekly routine immunisation to infants, children and adults, HIV counselling and testing, periodic free screening for diabetes and hypertension, distribution of mosquito nets provided by the non-governmental organisations, and talks to pregnant mothers about their health concerns in pregnancy and the post-partum period. My graduate research in pharmacology was focused on malaria mostly due to the public health burden of the disease that I saw first-hand in my years of medical practice. "

In this whole paragraph you dont explain anything, you just simply state facts; you carried out weekly routine immunisation to infants, children and adults ...but what about those routines? how has those routines shaped you? Talk about an experience, or how each patient is a reminder of your passion to someday improve public health.

I feel from what I have read, that you really do have the potential and experience to make this essay very moving and inspiring essay, but it will take modifications. Hope this helped! :)