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[Proof read] Long SFU MBA ESSAY Questions | Why MBA?,Team Work, Career Goals, Business Issues, etc


zestfervour 1 / 2 1  
Jan 27, 2016   #1
Hi, I would be very thankful if you could comment on the essay. Please mark the grammatical mistakes and comment on the overall structure of the essay.

1. Why have you decided to pursue an MBA?

After attaining an experience of 4 years in variety of industries and roles, I still feel that I need to add more skills to my toolkit. After a two year stint at L&T Infotech, I realized that I was rising quickly in my field, yet my role as a storage administrator was narrowed down to technical facets. A brief stint at my startup gave me the taste of managing problems in different areas of business, nevertheless I also recognized that to gain competitive advantage it is necessary to fully acknowledge the dynamics of a business. Since my graduation I knew I would go back to school. After gaining few years of experience, I feel MBA, such as the one offered at Beedie School of Business, would bridge the gaps to help me reach my future goals. Solving real live cases with top-notch professors and classmates will equip me with business prowess. An MBA would help me enter the fast-moving business environment with lifelong management skills.

2. How will you contribute to our learning environment?

Majority of my work as a storage administrator at L&T Infotech was to troubleshoot complex, unstructured errors and failures in storage arrays and fabric network. From analysing humongous SAN health report of fabric networks to understanding and resolving client's needs for storage - there was hardly a one-size-fits-all solution to such problems. As a co-founder of Bombay Jazz, I was independent but lot more responsible for my work. I learned the concepts of lean startup, split testing, and the power of peer network. Volunteering at Touching Lives, a non-profit organization, has taught me how to work in resource-constrained environment with a dash of realism and true motivation. Such a diverse experience in information technology, startup, and non-profit will bring in a broader view and a fresh perspective to the class.

3. The MBA program involves intensive teamwork. Describe your experience working in teams.

After 3 months of rigorous training at L&T Infotech, I was assigned to Coloplast SAN Team. Coloplast was our Danish client, and we worked on the fabric network and storage arrays - a critical IT infrastructure - of the client. At first, I felt out of the place as everyone was senior to me and they had strong bonds with each other. However, my project lead and team lead made me feel very comfortable. Gradually, I become close to each team member and shared the same bond which they shared with each other.

A true test of our team came when one of us mistakenly turned off the server during production time. We discussed this problem in a meeting and our team lead decided to hold the whole team as accountable. We reported the management that there was some problem in team communication and the individual wasn't aware that the server was on production. We took this decision not only to save our colleague but also because it was indeed true. We discussed about production hours verbally while our colleague was on a long leave. To avoid such situation we mutually decided to implement follow up meetings whenever a colleague was out on a long leave. This lesson taught me the significance of team integrity and accountability.

4. What are your career goals following completion of the MBA program?

My highest career aspiration is to lead an analytics team in a consumer goods company, consisting of brand managers from various business units, to create an internal analytics framework which doesn't depend solely on third party research firms. My vision would be to infuse the expertise of managers and the advantage of data-driven insights by involving them in broader data analytics decisions such as model-building processes and ensuring these models produce impactful results.

I intend to base my career in CPG industry as I believe the nature of its business will provide a ground for innovations in analytics. Also, a stint at my fashion accessory brand has kindled an interest for consumer goods industry. It goes back to my college days when I interned at a media firm for a short duration and helped my friends in advertising presentations.

In short term, I see myself working as a business analyst at a consulting firm such as McKinsey, solving broader business problems in CPG projects. Consulting will help me gain a comprehensive insight of consumer goods industry and the business environment in North America. My focus would be to move up the ladder from business analyst to an SME.

5. Tell us something about yourself that we could not learn from the other documents in your application.

When I received the results of my 12th grade examination, tears rolled down my eyes and I felt devastated. I was one mark shy in mathematics to enrol for a course in information technology. However, my personal appeal to the head of department at R.D. National College helped me get into IT. Moreover, the road was not easy as I had entered the class two months late. This was the inception of struggles I would face further in my life. "You are late and it only means you have to work twice as much as your classmates. Hard work always pays off" said my father. From hardly clearing the subjects in first few semesters, I went on to score exceptional grades. True dedication, perseverance, and humility have always aided me to attain my goals. I consider it is not the circumstance rather a person's reaction to it that really shapes his/her life.

6. If you think your post-secondary grades do not accurately reflect your abilities, please explain why.

The courses in my bachelors program were intensive and rigorous. In addition, University of Mumbai is known for its stringent marks distribution. This can be highlighted from the fact that the top achievers in my class scored around 70% and, in the class of 60, I stood among top ten performers with 62%. My score in project, which is one of the toughest subjects across various IT degrees, was highest in the class. Although I struggled to score decent grades at the start of the program, I covered it up by excelling later in the program. Typically, students score better in the first year and their scored plummet in last two years.

7. What do you think are the three most relevant issues in today's business environment?

In 2012, when Dunkin Donuts entered Indian market, it realized that Indians are unlikely to buy donuts in bulk as their morning breakfast. They quickly redesigned strategies to suit the market by offering burgers till late in the evening. Instances such as these, I feel are becoming prevalent as big firms try to enter emerging markets. I believe addressing globalization is one of the key issues in today's business environment. Each economy has its own set of preferences and tastes; government regulations; and infrastructure issues. Another relevant issue in current business world is managing the advent of big data. Data-driven insights are already proving to be the new competitive advantage in industries such as marketing and banking. Soon enough the torrent of data will flood various other industries. In addition to globalization and big data, sustainability is another vital aspect which has kept many executives on their heels. In recent years, sustainable development is swiftly turning into an integral part of the corporate strategy. Initiatives such as reducing greenhouse effects not only cut expenditures in long term but also enhance the brand image. In near future, I feel every industry and company will need to gear up for sustainable development.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 27, 2016   #2
Tanmay, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay, we do it 2 questions at a time
in order to focus on the needed enhancement on your essay.

1. Why have you decided to pursue an MBA?

- AfterA ttaining an experience of 4 years in variety of industries and roles,
- I still feel that I need to add more skills to my toolkit.
- After a two year stintMy two years at L&T Infotech,
- Imade me realized that I was rising
- After gaining few years of experience, I feel MBA, such as theI believe that an MBA
- one that is offered at Beedie School of Business,

I believe you used the word "after " more than 4 times in this essay, if you can avoid that please do,
try to play with words like, "then"," moving forward", to denote the progress of your actions.


2. How will you contribute to our learning environment?

- From analysinganalyzing humongous SAN health
- I was independent butwith a lot more responsibleresponsibility for my work.

There you have it Tanmay, for the second essay, my only comment is avoid using the word "but" if you can, as the denotes

a negative impact to your essay and may mean a totally different understanding.

I will get back to you for the next questions, I hope I was able to help.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 27, 2016   #3
HI Tanmay, I'm back for the next 2 questions of your MBA Essay.
kindly find corrections and remarks below.

3. The MBA program involves intensive teamwork. Describe your experience working in teams.

- but also because it was indeed truethe absolute truth .

As you can see there's not much to correct in this part of the essay as it
is written well and you have chosen the proper words in most part of the essay.

4. What are your career goals following completion of the MBA program?

- them in broaderwider data analytics
- ensuringensure that these models
- produce impactfulsignificant results.

- In short term,( this phrase is not necessary ) I see myself working as a business analyst
- solving broadermore complex business
- My focus wouldis be to move up the ladder from business analyst to an SME.

That's about it for now Tanmay.
Hopefully I will be able to get back to you for the rest of the questions.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 27, 2016   #4
Hi Tanmay, I'm back for the following questions.
Kindly find the remarks below.

5. Tell us something about yourself that we could not learn from the other documents in your application.

- said my father remarked .
- always aided me to attain my goals.

6. If you think your post-secondary grades do not accurately reflect your abilities, please explain why.

- Although I struggled to score decent grades at the start of the program,) this phrase is not necessary, I suggest deleting it,
I understand that we have to turn our weakness into strengths, at this point, it's not necessary )

- I covered it up by excellingI manage to excellater in the program.
-Typically, students score better in the first year and their scored plummet in the last two years.

That's about it for now, the last question is the next one.
I hope tis really helps.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 27, 2016   #5
Hi Tanmay, this is the last set of the proof reading session that we have.
Kindly find the remarks below.

7. What do you think are the three most relevant issues in today's business environment?

- In 2012, when Dunkin Donuts entered the Indian market,
- itthey ( they - is for people / set of people like corporation such as Dunkin Donut, "it" - is for a thing ) realized that

- Instances as such as these ,
- I feel are becoming prevalent
- In addition to globalization and big data,
- In the near future,

Finally done now!

The corrections above are very minor, just a few linking verbs and familiarity on substituting the subject.

I really hope my insights helps and hopefully you practice writing more, this way you will be able to enhance your
writing skills as well see the progress of your work.
OP zestfervour 1 / 2 1  
Jan 29, 2016   #6
Thanks a lot justivy03 for taking out the time. I'll put in my few thoughts on the corrections you have provided.

1. I did use "after" a lot thanks for noticing it. I believe it is "made me realize" must have been a typo...

2. I have used "but" to show the contrast - independent but at the same time responsible. Using "with" weakens that contrast. Should I use "however"?

4. I have used the word broader in the sense that the managers will not do technical jobs of collecting data, filtering data,etc rather they will analyze the data from a very top level. I'm not sure how to explain this. Like living being can be broadly classified as animal and plans then comes in depth classification of animals and plants.

5. sure about aid?

I hope one day I can become a contributor here :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 29, 2016   #7
Hi Tanmay, thank you for validating my contributions on your essay and don't worry about being a contributor, you can always share your thoughts here on EF.

Here are my thoughts on your insights;

1. I did use "after" a lot thanks for noticing it. I believe it is "made me realize" must have been a typo... - this is acceptable

2. I have used "but" to show the contrast - independent but at the same time responsible. Using "with" weakens that contrast. Should I use "however"?

- using "however" is more formal, sounds better and more importantly, appropriate to the sentences you have.

4. I have used the word broader in the sense that the managers will not do technical jobs of collecting data, filtering data,etc rather they will analyze the data from a very top level. I'm not sure how to explain this. Like living being can be broadly classified as animal and plans then comes in depth classification of animals and plants.

- this is quiet complicated one as I'm not knowledgeable in technical terms in your field, however, I suggest that you make it a point that regardless of how complicated the terms are, you explain it in a way that majority of your readers will be able to understand.

5. sure about aid? - "aid" for me is an appropriate word, it's not common, thus it will bring your essay to a significant level

knowing that you are able to play with unusual words that work perfectly with your sentences.


There you have it Tanmay, I hope it helps.
Best of luck to you and let us know when you need further assistance.


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