'providing enough for those who have too little' - UBC SOP Graduate Admissions in Computer Science

Hey Guys so I just started writing the SOP for my graduate admissions to UBC. Any ideas? Do you think it is good so far?

"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

As I stared through the window, looking upon the horizon into the edge of the night, I wondered where my life was headed. I had just finished writing a twenty-five thousand line code for an android app to be used by a multinational organization. I was tired and hungry, but most of all I was unhappy. I wasn't content with who I was and what I was doing. As a corporate slave, the Head of IT at Lamudi Bangladesh, I was reduced to toiling hours into working strictly for profit. But I did not fall in love with technology because I saw profit, but rather because I saw a solution. A solution to so many problems that plague our society. An avenue to catalyze progress. No longer wanting to be a corporate slave, I decided to change my job and pursue a Masters degree.

I realized that attaining a Masters degree would help me evolve, progress on a personal level. After wasting a year toiling as a corporate savant, I realized that I wanted to dedicate my life to research: research on developing solutions that could be use be used to solve social issues through the use of technology. I changed my career to play a more active role in developing solutions for social problems with a focus on technology. And although I have professional experience, I need the necessary academic and research experience to alleviate various troubling social issues.

I remember walking back home every night from work, amidst the cold, dark streets riddled with confusion. When I decided to pursue a Masters degree and change my career though, things finally made sense. I felt clarity. For Four years during my undergraduate degree I would wake up and feel lost most days. Studying for eight hours a day, attending fifteen hours worth of classes every week and arduously working on various assignments for months kept me busy but it never helped me project substantial impact upon anyone's life. I was empty in my pursuits. The only time I ever felt content was when I would be working on my course project. The idea of learning a new programming language and actually using it to solve a problem that I felt needs to be addressed, always stimulated me, it kept me happy and focused. I would focus on incorporating the latest practices of the language I learned into my project to increase my project's efficacy. My innovative approach towards projects and ardent work helped me attain a Fifty percent merit-based financial aid during my Sophomore year which I maintained till the end of my undergraduate tenure. Whether it was making a simple notepad for color blind people using Java or helping the guards at our university with an automated parking system using C, my projects aimed to alleviate problems I witnessed every day. My Senior Year thesis therefore, provided me with an ample opportunity to solve a problem I had been witnessing for a prolonged period.

I realized that attaining a Masters degree would help me evolve, (add 'and') progress on a personal level.

(Discard this 'and') And although I have professional experience, I need ...

I remember walking back home every night from work, amidst the cold, dark streets (add comma) riddled with confusion. When I decided to pursue a Masters degree and change my career (Discard 'though') though, (maybe everything instead of things?) things finally made sense. I felt clarity. For (Discard 'for') Four years during my undergraduate degree I would wake up (maybe change to 'most days feeling lost, or adrift'?) and feel lost most days. (Add 'while' before studying?) Studying for eight hours a day, attending fifteen hours (discard 'worth') worth of classes every week and arduously working on various assignments for months (add comma) kept me busy (Discard 'but') but it never helped me project (add 'a) substantial impact upon anyone's life.

My innovative approach towards projects and ardent work helped me attain a (don't capitalize fifty) Fifty percent merit-based financial aid ...

Overall I felt that it was great, there were a couple of parts that seemed foggy, or unclear. I think maybe you could expand upon the social issues that is being brought up. Maybe give an example in an earlier paragraph as well as towards the end where you had it.

Rather than delivering a statement of purpose, you formatted the essay to become a personal statement instead. While the intention for your higher studies is clear within the essay, you often strayed in content and offered personal information regarding your struggle to find a career for yourself rather than giving the necessary information as to the purpose of your essay.

So you worked for a corporation for more than a year before deciding to change careers and pursue a masters degree. You mentioned that twice in your essay, making it redundant and therefore, irrelevant to your statement. Just say that once and don't repeat it anymore. It does not really help your essay. It just makes you seem like you are complaining about the previous work that you did.

Rather than harping on how you had to reflect upon what was wrong with your career, why don't you instead focus on the future of your career after your masters degree. All reviewers are interested in learning about how you will use your new gained knowledge in helping to not only further your career but the industry you are in. Talk about developing an app while studying that you feel will revitalize a tired field or change the prospects of a certain aspect of technology.

Don't be so contemplative in the essay. Try to make your voice sound more upbeat and hopeful, rather than dim and self-contemplating. Tell the reviewer how your past experience has inspired your current desire to study and how higher studies will benefit you career wise or, in your case, personally, in order to depict the importance of this masters degree to you as a person and professional.

@vangiespen I wanted to ask you if the format I used for the other statement of purpose that I wrote for the Erasmus Mundus program was whether than this? I did not indulge in a narrative there instead I focused on key aspects. Exactly what was required in the SOP instead of a creative story. Do you think that format would be better suited than this?

Ishaqur, I'd like my thoughts on your essay, as much as you would love to be creative in your essay, what matters greatly is to answer the question, what is the purpose os your essay, each essay you write is unique that the other as they serve and differ greatly on it's purpose.

However, I liked the fact that you quote a great person to start the essay and draw inspiration from him but the fact is, you were not able to keep up with the general purpose of the essay. Somehow, you lost focus on what you were trying to come up with and what you are really rooting for, you focused on unnecessary information and creative input that are not needed for this essay and you jump from one scale of idea to another.

Anyhow, I believe a very little modification on your essay will do, when you re- write, keep a mainstream, focus on the necessary points and keep your essay strong.

I hope I was able to help.

Ishaqur, in all honesty, I believe that the SOP that you wrote for the Erasmus Mundus SOP was much better than this essay that you wrote. In fact, I believe that you should just revise the SOP for the scholarship for use with various universities in order to present the best possible statement of purpose for your interests.

Why don't you consider taking what is good with this current essay and the best parts of the Erasmus essay, then combine those parts in order to create a new and hopefully, effective statement of purpose for yourself?

Which strong parts of this essay would I take? Let me list down the first sentence of each paragraph that I think you can use from this essay:

1. "The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

2.I realized that attaining a Masters degree would help me evolve, progress on a personal level.

3. Whether it was making a simple notepad for color blind people using Java or helping the guards at our university with an automated parking system using C, my projects aimed to alleviate problems

Now, I want you to review the Erasmus SOP and try to integrate the above paragraphs into the essay. After you do that, you can post the new essay and we can work together on finalizing the content and preparing it for submission :-)

Thank you so much for all your help, Louisa. I wanted to know if the following information would help in making my essay stronger in anyway:

I graduated in the top 10% of my class of 47 students.
I held a merit-based 50% scholarship since Sophomore year.
I worked 30 hours (full time almost) every week as an undergraduate teaching assistant for the Engineering and English department from my Junior Year while I was studying.

I worked as a Lab Instructor for the database management course at North South University for a semester after I finished my courses in December 2013.

I worked on various independent projects regarding database management, wireless communications and process automation.

Also should we look into extracurricular? I have been a national tv debating champion twice as part of my university debating club, a newspaper editor for my university newspaper, and I have organized several international IT fairs and events, programming contests, at my university. I mean do all these or any of them look like they could be used?

Ishaqur, the following are the points that I believe can enhance your SOP. I think we should see how you will fit it into the essay and then I can come in and clean it up for you:

1.I worked 30 hours (full time almost) every week as an undergraduate teaching assistant for the Engineering and English department from my Junior Year while I was studying.

2. I worked as a Lab Instructor for the database management course at North South University for a semester after I finished my courses in December 2013.

3. I worked on various independent projects regarding database management, wireless communications and process automation.

Those are the parts that we can use to enhance the essay in my opinion. The extra curricular is not important nor related to the SOP so don't mention it at all.