Hi all,
I am posting the opening paragraph of a supplementary essay I am writing for medical school. I have been spending w a y too much time on this and I think it is partly because I am unsure about the punctuation and wording of the paragraph. Also, please tell me if you were intrigued or bored (first impression is important right) after reading, but any feedback would helpful. Thank you ahead for your time!
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Discuss your interest in X School of Medicine (500 words):
I burst out laughing at the oddity of the scene: twenty or more residents of the drug rehabilitation center in Yunnan, China were watching TV with fierce concentration they have not shown since the detox program began - the American show, "Prison Break," was on. My determination to explore social issues in medicine and physician's role in the bigger world had taken me afar to Southwest China for a heroin dependency research, and the same reason has led me to YSM. As an individual with a genuine passion in practicing medicine and a strong will to better understand the subject, I believe YSM is where I can mature and grow to my fullest potential as a physician.
my corrections are in red below.
My determination to explore social issues in medicine and the physician's role in the bigger world had taken me afar to Southwest China for a heroin dependency research program , and the same reason has led me to YSM.
1st sentence
I burst out laughing? I Bursted out laughing?
Overall good essay, however, maybe create more sentence rather than one long sentence.
Thank you!!
Can I get an opinion from the moderator?
(I would also like to know other tips on getting more feedback from people. Thank you!)
I burst out laughing at the oddity of the scene: twenty or more residents of the drug rehabilitation center in Yunnan, China were watching TV with fierce concentration they have not shown since the detox program began - the American show, "Prison Break," was on. My determination to explore social issues in medicine and the physician's role in the bigger world had taken me afar to Southwest China for a heroin dependency research project, and the same reason has led me to XSM. As an individual with a genuine passion in practicing medicine and a strong will to better understand the subject, I believe XSM is where I can mature and grow to my fullest potential as a physician.
The individualized medical pursuit at XSM is precisely what ...
Hello, sorry it is taking me a long time. There are suddenly a lot of essays due to submission deadlines, etc.
I burst out laughing at the ... will to better understand the subject, I believe XSM is where I can mature and grow to my fullest potential as a physician.--- the bursting out laughing can seem judgmental unless you say something very thoughtful about, for example, the culture difference between the American show and its audience. Otherwise, the reader might think you are laughing at them for being addicts or something.
At the end of that first paragraph I am left wondering what the significance of mentioning the show was. Like... I mean... why is it significant? I hope you can infer some meaning from it and make it fit in the theme of the essay.
This next paragraph is pretty great, but this sentence is not good: Ultimately, I believe XSM education will empower individuals like myself to build a rewarding career that brings significant positive change to others' lives.--- it does not really say anything meaningful. But you can change it to make a unique observation about an advantage enjoyed by students at this school... an advantage for you if you go to this school... you in particular, because of the way you think and because of the philosophy that underlies their program.
Practicing medicine is a lifelong commitment, and I feel strongly about obtaining an education that I can personally identify with. --- sentences like this one should be replaced with sentences that show what makes you unique... your unique philosophy of medicine ... and why you choose the specialization you choose.
It always is impressive if a student has specific ideas about what s/he intends to do.
XSM provides an unparalleled learning experience that ...
So... the writing is obviously good, but I think you can add definition to your vision for the future. :-)
Thank you Kevin and random123,
Yes I totally undersand that it takes a lot of time to read an essay, but I appreciate your time. Best wishes!!
SW
I know it has been a while, but I have made lots of changes and I hope some of you can help me correct it. Thank you so much and please know that I always appreciate your feedbacks.
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Discuss your interest in X University School of Medicine (500 words):
"At first I thought I had a fever, but now it is like having a million burning bugs crawling all over me," said Wang, the youngest resident at the drug rehabilitation center in Yunnan, China. For several days, I would leave Wang on his stool at night, only to find him in the same place the next morning; three years younger than I was, he was spending many sleepless night fighting the brutal withdrawal symptoms from years of heroin abuse. My determination to explore physician's role in the bigger world had ...
...three years younger than I was , he was spending many sleepless night fighting the brutal withdrawal symptoms from after years of heroin abuse.
Wow, I guess you did make a lot of changes! Sorry it took a while to get to this, essay forum got busy!
As an individual with a genuine passion in practicing medicine and a strong will to better understand the subject,---- too general! Anyone interested in medicine has special areas of interest.
I believe XSM is where I can grow to my fullest potential as an aspiring physician.--- this is meaningless because the fact that you are applying to this school shows that you believe it is where you can grow to your potential. This is a wasted sentence.
XSM offers a truly supportive environment, where ...---- supportive compared to what? Most schools are supportive to some extent? Again, it is meaningless if it is without detail.
...excited to join the stimulating program at XSM.
It seems like you might want to start a theme of helping recovering addicts... is this an area of interest? Did it get you interested in other specializations as well? Talk about your specific interests and what kinds of diseases or kinds of medicine you want to practice. Add some detail!
oh thank you so much.
i think i see the problem -- i have no central theme!!! im so sure this is why it took me so long as well, to generate politically correct sentences that dont really mean anything (ugh admin essay mistake 101). ok good place to start. thanks Kevin!
Hahahahaha, yes, you understand what I mean... :-) Hahaha...
Ok I am telling myself here that revision is the only way to better essay!
Please please take a look, i have tried to cut out bad sentences and in doing so have basically written a new essay.
Discuss your interest in X School of Medicine (500 words)
"I don't know where I would rather be, here or back in my parents' noodle house to marry a girl they had set up for me." I listened to Khamili during our interview session at Daytop drug rehabilitation center in Yunnan, China. In summer of 2008, I carried on a Yale Howland Fellow-initiated program to document heroin relapse among the Daytop Yunnan residents. In addition to drug rehabilitation treatment, I was also exposed to substance abuse-themed community education and HIV/AIDS awareness programs at Daytop that gave rise to my interest in global health - a field that became a focus of my career pursuit in medicine. My strong desire to become a physician, who is well versed in global health and art of medicine in an international context, has led me to XSM. With its flexible curriculum, abundant research opportunity, and supportive faculty, XSM promises to advance my education pursuit with great enthusiasm and guidance from its community. I fervently hope to become a student of XSM and believe it is where I can grow to be a competent and compassionate physician I have envisioned myself becoming.
Following the research experience in Daytop Yunnan, my partnership with Water Safety System in Indonesia had been an inspiring introduction to global health program, where I assisted the local implementation of an international initiative that is coordinated by large US education institution and NGOs. At XSM, I intend to participate in its vibrant global health programs and contribute towards the common goal of improving the wellbeing of population in need. The collaborations of XSM and other X institutions also offer many interdisciplinary opportunities to meet student's interests; I hope to take advantage of X's International studies programs whether it is seeking X-China Medical English Fellowship through the historical X-China association, continuing Indonesian language studies at Council of Southeast Asian studies, or pursue other programs at different regions.
XSM does not only offer a distinguished research environment for its global health-minded students, but it also provides unique education options of international clinical elective and clerkship. As a XSM student, I will have the privilege to learn from both US and oversea health care systems and medical procedures in my formative year of medical education. Having had lived in several countries, I have witnessed a spectrum of healthcare service shaped by cultural norms, certain disease prevalence, and other regional-specific factors. I believe the international learning experience is immediately beneficial to my personal growth as a physician in the face of increasingly diverse patients and consequent illnesses in our globalized society. More importantly, the XSM student-visit is also invaluable to the long-term advancement of medicine as we open the doors for knowledge exchange and collaborative work around different parts of the world.
Practicing medicine is a lifelong commitment, and I feel strongly about obtaining an education that will fuel a lasting passion in learning and serving the underprivileged population in need. As a candidate, I couldn't be more excited to join the stimulating people and program at XSM, which will empower me to build a rewarding career in international health.
Having had lived in several countries, I have witnessed...
Actually, this is better:
Having had lived in several countries, I am familiar with...
This is really excellent. You probably already know that, though. Some of the sentences have that kind of inspired energy that you must have felt when writing them.
I think you are ready!