"my responsibility to use my personal knowledge" - Peace Corps Personal Essay

This is one of the essay questions on the Peace Corps application. The word count is supposed to be 250-500, so I need to trim it down a little. All suggestions are appreciated :)

Question One: Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. You have provided information on how you can qualify for Peace Corps service elsewhere in the application. Within 250-500 words, please provide a statement that includes: your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer, how these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals, and how you expect to satisfy the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations (please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------

I wish to join the Peace Corps because I believe it is my responsibility to use my personal knowledge and gifts to create a better future for all members of the human race. I also have a desire to travel and to experience other ways of life and to learn from them so that I, too, can grow.

Throughout my life, I have always found myself happiest when helping others or in a team setting, working together towards a positive goal. I find this joy in my summer job as an ocean lifeguard because I am doing a service for the community by keeping the public safe. Rowing in the women's varsity eight at St. Joseph's University is fulfilling because it gives me the opportunity to use everything my body can offer for the benefit of the team. More than any other sport, rowing requires trust and dedication because each teammate must take on the responsibility of giving her all for the good of the boat and must also trust that every other girl is doing the same. I feel most fulfilled, however, when I am volunteering in North Philadelphia, at Norris Square, an afterschool program for children in the Kensington area, and at Urban Bridges, a tutoring center for adults with learning and language difficulties. There is nothing quite like the moment that my learner makes a breakthrough in his or her understanding. Although we may both come from very different home lives and backgrounds, we are both grounded in that moment of happiness. Even during the more difficult days, when progress seems slow, I am still excited to be there because it reminds me that there are people in this world who are working for a better future for everyone, not just for themselves. My life goal is to leave the world better than I found it by being part of the movement towards a more equal, sustainable world, which is why I find joining the Peace Corps so appealing.

I am aware that dedicating twenty seven months of my life to service will be very challenging but I am confident that I will be able to meet the ten core expectations for volunteers. Although leaving my family and friends to serve will be difficult for me, I am confident that I will be able to make the commitment because I am a very dependable person and refuse to quit anything where others are relying on me. I take pride in my versatility so I know that I will be able to go wherever placed and will work to benefit the people in my host country during the time I am there, while responsibly representing the United States of America. I understand that I will be immersed in a culture different from my own and will respect my host country's customs and laws so that I can form a trusting and respectful relationship with the community I will be serving. I am also aware that I will be in a place much unlike my home and will need to follow Peace Corps rules and regulations for my own safety and that of those around me. Upon my return, I will maintain respect for the country I have served and plan to apply what I have learned abroad to help others in my own country.

Word Count: 556

Hi,

the second and third paragraphs are very nice and show your thoughts but I think you need stronger introduction.

This part is a little cumbersome. "all members of the human race" can be accomplished with the word "all."

So it is hard to justify a large, cumbersome phrase. I know it expresses something, but I think you can do better with that sentence. Express something practical/pragmatic, maybe.

I look at the essay for a long time, and it is hard to say how to improve it because you have a nice writing style. Now I think the only way I can help is to challenge you with brevity.

Find places in the essay where you can accomplish the same thing in fewer words. Imagine how cool it can be if you accomplish all the same things in half the words. It would be an intense experience for the reader.

Throughout my life, I have always found myself happiest when helping others or in a team setting, working together towards a positive goal.------Here is a sentence that needs to be said in fewer words.

I am happiest when I am working with a team toward a meaningful goal...

Brevity is powerful.

Other than the need for some brevity, this is very impressive!

Even right here you have a chance to cut some unnecessaries:
I am aware that dedicating twenty seven months of my life to these months of service will be very challenging but I am confident that I will be able to meet the ten core expectations for volunteers.---- you don't get to include 27 months if you cut that, but who cares? They know it is 27 months. So... be very picky with the words and phrases you allow to participate in the essay.