I've just completed writing my SOP for graduate admissions and I'm looking for some feedback regarding the formatting and some other things that I'm not completely sure about. Firstly, is my SOP too big ? Secondly, Does the content flow well ? Do i need to change the ordering ?
Requirements for SOP:
1. Please describe what a successful life means to you both in terms of self-realization and contribution to community.
2. In your pursuit of a successful life, what significance does it have for you to do your graduate study at XXXX? In particular, describe what efforts you have made and will make in the future.
What I have so far (I've changed some names/details so as to keep this anonymous):
A SUCCESSFUL LIFE:
My view of a successful life can be summarily described by a quote from the late, great Henry Ford - "The whole secret of a successful life is to find out what is one's destiny to do, and then do it".
I strongly believe that the measure of success in one's life is not defined by its length or the material abundance that one can acquire, but by its richness and wonder. As I age, many things in my life have changed, but one thing has always remained constant: I insist on doing what I am passionate about and hope that my endeavors can be valuable to others.
For most of my life, I admit I have not known what having "a successful life" truly even meant. My definition of success has evolved and morphed over time, from "Having lots of money and owning lots of fancy stuff" when I was young, to "Doing what is fun and leading a relaxed life" and ultimately leading to what I believe is a true measure of success; "To find out what I am good at, and work hard to be the best at it". What I have also come to learn is that success cannot be fully defined until you attain it. When you are successful, you will know without the slightest doubt what it means, to you. There is no need to define success to find it. Finding success starts by finding out who you are and which is your place in this world... and as a consequence, you do not know it until you discover it. For this I am truly grateful to those around me who have set an example on how to lead a model life and in consequence, inspiring me to enrich my own life; be it my career or my studies, and to find meaning in what I do and work hard to make the most out of the oppurtunities that have been offered to me.
MY EFFORTS TOWARDS SUCCESS:
I have always believed in doing what gives you the most satisfaction, which for me, since my childhood, was being an Engineer and I have always worked hard towards achieving this goal ever since. I was the university topper for Computer Science during my pre-university college years. Although I completed my undergraduate studies in Electronics and Communications, I have never let my love for Computer Science wane, having participated in various programming contests and seminars. It is this love for Computers that led to me being offered a position as a Software Engineer in not one but FIVE different multinational companies namely XX1, XX2, XX3, XX4 and XX5 . I ultimately ended up choosing XX5 and as such I have worked as a Software Engineer developing an enterprise Android application that lets users do XXXXXX. I have been awarded the Multi-Sprint award for playing a key role in optimizing and improving the major components of the application. I have also been part of many knowledge transfer and feature proposal seminars due to my excellent communication skills.
Having worked as a software professional for over 2 years, I can say this; My career so far has been meaningful only to the extent of serving as a means of livelihood. It has shown me that there is still much left for me to learn. It has shown me that my thirst for knowledge has not yet been quenched. And this thirst is the reason why I want to continue my studies at XX University.
WHY XX UNIVERSITY:
Why XX? The reason is very simple. What XX has achieved in its short history of x years is nothing short of astounding. Its accomplishments speak volumes about the commitment of both its students and the faculty in their pursuit of excellence. XX offers many research-intense programs and the research environment is impeccable. I am deeply aware that for a person who seeks excellence and who wishes to achieve some innovative research results in Computer Engineering, it is imperative that he or she plunge into an environment which is as challenging and competitive as it is stimulating, promising the realization of one's ambitions. XX is also confluence of people from many cultures, nationalities and ideologies. I am sure that my exposure to these kinds of diverse influences would aid in the overall development of my personality and help me broaden my concept from the narrower confines of nationalism and internationalism. Also with some of the best brains around, it would be inspire me to bring the best out of myself. As Jim Rohn tells us: "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with". It is this drive for excellence that has led me to believe that a graduate degree in Computer Science and Engineering at XX will help me in my journey towards success. I believe that spending time with a community of such hard working and talented scholars will also enable me to be one of their ilk.
I hope that my prospective studies at your prestigious university can solidify my knowledge and bring into full play my latent intellectual capacities.
Nice work!
1) There are numerous quotation marks. If you are quoting someone then given them the credit. If not, find out a way not to use so many quotation marks. If this is your true feelings about success then you don't need it. However, if you are drawing inspiration from some outside source I would keep the quotation marks.
2) I see an error with the flow when you talk about finding success and your place in the world in the third paragraph. Read the sentence again. Did you mean to say that finding success means finding out what is your place in the world?
3) In the third paragraph, the last sentence is a little too long. Try to shorten it or you could turn it into three sentences with simple changes.
4) When you begin the paragraph about your efforts toward success, the first sentence is becoming a run-on sentence. Change it to two sentences. For example: I have always endeavored to find work that gives me the most satisfaction. Since childhood, I have worked diligently in my studies so that one day I could become a lawyer who helps others seek justice. (I made this up, but you can see that the reader can have a better understanding of your writing).
5) The next sentence talks about pre-university college years. This is very confusing! I know that I attended a community college while still in high school. If you did the same, you can express it that way. If not, you would need to explain this.
6) Congrats to you for the Android! It is good for you to add this work experience because it might answer question 2 and 3 on your contribution to the community and any future developments.
7) Great quote by Rohm. It shows your humility, which indicates your willingness to learn.
8) You could switch why university xx and my efforts towards success to reflect the questions being answered. However, for some reason I think your essay sounds better this way because you already have work experience before going to graduate school. Here is an exercise:
Read it in the order as if it is switched. I think you will find that it is more personable in the order you have it written
