SOP for Muskie Graduate Program

Hello, everyone! It's a great place here, glad I found it! I've read through many threads and found tons of useful info there. This helped me put together my own essay and I would really appreciate some feedback on it! Thanks in advance!

I am applying for Business administration, Management of information systems and technology Master's degree as part of the Muskie Graduate Fellowship Program. The essay is 894 words long.

Essay Question #1 - Statement of Purpose*
Please write an essay on why you want and need to study in the US at the graduate level, and how you hope to contribute to your country's democratic and economic development. Essay cannot exceed 1000 words.

Back when I was thirteen and loved football (soccer) more than Christmas and my birthday put together, I was part of a junior football team. I was a valuable player, but words like "prodigy" or "star" had nothing to do with me. There was a head juggling competition at a tournament once. No one was enthusiastic or confident enough from my team to take part, so coach let me participate. Many months went into perfecting the skill, so I juggled like a well-trained circus seal. Beating the best of the best and winning the contest, however, was absolutely unexpected both for me and everybody else. Everyone was awestruck. Neither my coach, nor my teammates knew I was actually that good. But what was most fascinating, I didn't suspect I was that good either.

This rather simple story is so important to me because I always come back to it when I doubt myself. It helps me find faith in myself, mobilize my inner resources to persevere and succeed. This story along with other ones would have been just that - a story, if it was not for the impact they made on me. They shaped my personality and brought me where I am today... and I am happy with myself, with the way I am.

Some of my teachers at school thought there was no way I would do well on computer programming course I took, because my specialization was humanities. Our class was great at English and French, but nowhere near as good at math and physics. Still, my results were on par with kids considered math pundits of our school. Now programming is the skill that sets me apart from other students and makes me a valuable professional. I have got a diploma up my belt on implementing automation tools for measuring software metrics and am doing research on using Bayesian belief networks for evaluation of software project costs. A lesson learned there.

I cannot say I am a perfectionist and take every single thing I do to the highest level possible. But things I care about, am passionate about, they do exceed expectations and shine crystal clear after I touch them. It is the computer systems related things exactly those that give me shivers, take me over and consume me completely. My IQ doesn't go off the chart, I had not programmed a Doom, Mathematica, Google search engine or any other masterpiece software by now, but this amazing realm of computer systems and I were simply made for each other. We're bound together. It is a life-long affection.

I want people to share my appreciation of all kinds of information systems. Not the irrational and unconditional love I have. No, that is not for any person out there. I want them to see how those systems make their lives easier, richer and make free room for more human activities to enjoy. Systems like Skype and Youtube (from consumer domain), SAP Business Suite and QAD Enterprise Applications (from enterprise domain) have made the impossible as simple and usual as buying a pack of chips. My goal is to drive this convergence further, build and manage systems that are more intelligent, easily understood by users and provide the most efficient solutions to arising problems.

Ukraine had slept away when the Internet infrastructure penetration in USA and Western Europe erupted in the nineties. Those were the "dial-up" times. When the broadband wave started, Ukraine joined the wagon. We went from "no internet" to "broadband internet in every home" in a matter of years. We skipped a stage, went from kindergarten straight to high-school. In much the same way information systems didn't get the attention they deserved in Ukraine either. I want to help make a similar warp jump for them. I want us to go from primitive software and mediocre staff to powerful systems and computer-savvy managers. I am certain this transformation will catalyze Ukrainian industry modernization, something we have been lacking for eighteen years of our country's independence. And this is where I come in. I want to play my part in it.

For my plan to come to fruition, I need to learn what made information systems function and evolve successfully elsewhere. What did developed countries do to stimulate and ease their propagation into every business? Understanding this is vital. This understanding, however, is more than a to-do list of measures and actions. It is a "how to work" philosophy, a certain vibe that is kept up in the community and cannot always be captured in words and phrases. I can read guidelines from books and websites. I can delve deeper and explore various conference materials, meet with foreign experts and ask them questions. It still will not be enough. The essence is not in certain solutions or techniques, but in the way of thinking. Understanding thus comes only after living and working in this environment, after experiencing all those thoughts, thinking processes and decisions that make up past and future success.

That is where it all comes together for me. Only after becoming a part of a leading academic community can I become a true expert in the field of information systems. This is what education in USA can provide me. Without it my personal experience is deficient and it will not be enough to accomplish goals I have set for myself.

Hello, wow, you put a lot of work into this essay, but your first paragraph doesn't embody your statement of purpose. You are a very good writer and have several great ideas, but you should condense them to three or four, and concentrate mainly on what you really need to say about your future plans and the school. For example, you could research the school online and talk about which things about it appeal to you. You could name certain professors and mention which one(s) you would love to study under. What does this particular school have to offer?

You might also want to check out our contributors page. You could help a lot of people and it would look good on applications!

Thank you so much for your reply and advice, Kevin! Your compliment pumped me up quite a lot, thank you for that too =)

The thing with Muskie program is that applicants can't choose which university they get into. So I can't address a particular uni.

I forgot to mention there's also a Program of Study essay, so I don't have to list research topics, detailed academic interests etc in here.

As for the first paragraph I didn't want it to start answering the "essay question" directly. I wanted this paragraph to just be interesting to read (maybe evoke emotion) and tell something about myself. I hoped depiction of this moment would make the reader think "Hm, that's nice and unusual, maybe I shouldn't just throw this app away and I should read a little bit more". Also, football is a huge part of my life and this event is rather powerful (at least for me and my consequent life), so starting with something I care about seemed appropriate.

There's another reason to not answer the essay question in the beginning. If the judge thinks he "GOT IT" and the beginning gave him understanding of what I'm trying to say throughout my essay, he might simply stop reading.

The outline I wanted to follow was this.
I wanted to show what drives me in life, tell about myself, show them who I am, let the judges get to know me, thus the first paragraph and the subsequent "school example". And then after that I wanted to make a transition (as smooth as possible) to my professional interests (third paragraph helps me with that). Here "me" and "my interests" interweave so it feels more organic. Later I wanted to connect them ("me" and "my interests") with the problems my country is suffering. I wanted that to flow further and explain my need to study abroad, with an explicit statement at the end (that way everything said above kind of supported and proved the statement is true and reasonable).

That way I get to show who I am and I'm answering the essay question in the end explicitly, with proof for my statement building up along the way. I think it makes the statement feel more powerful and backed up.

So if you consider all points above, is it really a problem that the first paragraph doesn't embody my statement of purpose? Maybe it's actually very important and I missed this critical point. If it's crucial I'll change it.

Also, I'm not a native speaker. So my English might be cranky here and there. I realize you probably won't be able to read and reply once more due to load you have. Well, if you do please show me those bad spots in the essay if you see them.

I'll definitely try contributing, by the way! I'm already enjoying reading all those essays, so giving feedback might turn out to be fun and useful too.

Oh, I see what you mean! Thanks for explaining that about the program; you made me a little better at my job!

Okay, well, I still disagree about answering the question at the start. You should establish a theme at the start, and intrigue the reader if you can. People who read this kind of essay are used to being bored by boring writing -- you know, because it is usually boring to read what people say all about themselves... but if you can make a brilliant point at the end of the first paragraph, it will intrigue the reader.

For example, once I read an essay about how boys are treated differently than girls by parents and teachers. Someone wrote, "We treat boys like they have to be tough, and we treat girls like they should be cute, so it is no wonder that we entrust our most important leadership positions to men and leave women with a 'glass ceiling' that prevents their advancement." And it made me say, wow, I never thought of it that way!!

Can you do something similar? At the end of the 1st paragraph, make an observation that makes the judge say, "I never thought of it that way!"

That is hard to do, though. for example, what if you write about "meditation" and soccer, and what if you write about how meditation takes many forms -- and that you found your meditation in soccer. Everyone has their own ideas about meditation, so the reader suddenly feels like part of the essay. Or, you might come up with something even better. But the trick is to say at the end that info systems is another kind of meditation, like football (soccer).

With this kind of essay, you succeed if you intrigue the reader. :)))

Wow, wonderful!
I like your style!!! Your style is quite different from others and more persuasive. This is very impressive!

I know football is important in your life experience. I can see your personality through your description of football experience. However, I am not agree with you. I know you are trying to impress the reader, but it seems that you are not answering the question!

You had thought a lot about infromation technology and you had a strong desire to delve into the area. That is valuable! Well done! Carry on!

Thank you for your valuable feedback, Kevin and tjchenfeng!!!

I tried to work out a solution, but I couldn't make it fit because of time constraints. Oh, the deadlines! =) So I had to send it the way it was. I'll try to rework it for my other applications. I've got some ideas along the lines of what you suggested, Kevin! You made up a cool example! =)

And thanks for those flattering words, tjchenfeng! Glad you liked my essay!