'standing out from the crowd' - Why I Should Go to Post University

This is an essay I'm being asked to write for entrance into Post University. I'm in a bit of a grey area for acceptance so this will be the major deciding factor and I won't it to be good. Here are instructions provided:

- Why you believe you earned a low GPA previously?

- Why you believe that you are in a better state to meet and exceed the expectations of a graduate level student?

- Why you would like to be accepted to Post University's Maser of Business Administration program?

- What you are hoping to achieve with a Master's degree from Post University?

Here is my rough draft:

In the beginning of 2010 I was encouraged by friends and family to be a business major. I had been working for General Electric (GE) for two years, and it seemed like the right move, but I wasn't sure. GE would pay for Business classes, but with all the math involved was it really for me? The Business world had also seemed uninteresting. . One night, I went through all the lists of majors that Wright State University had to offer, and came across Organizational Leadership. The fact that I'd only need one math class was the attraction, but once I started classes for my major, I FELL IN LOVE. I always thought leadership was born not taught. I had no idea that there were so many theories and opinions out there on leadership, and when these leadership topics were applied to the business world, suddenly the business world wasn't so boring to me anymore. My grades started to improve, and to my surprise I even made the Dean's List. By no means was I perfect student even after starting this major, but I definitely had a new found passion, and when it came to Organizational Leadership classes I gave it my all.

Recently, I found out that some classes won't be needed if I go into the semester conversion at Wright State, and I opted for that. My graduation will be in December, and with this time off, I've seriously considered if Grad School is for me. One major realization is that the classes I have thrived in outside of Organizational Leadership have been web based, and a lot of activities for Organizational Leadership have also been heavily web based. In retrospect it seems like scheduling conflicts were the greatest factors affecting my performance, so, it made since to me that I should find an online grad school if I were to pursue this. I debated heavily over an MBA versus Leadership studies. When I came across Post University, I found a MBA program with a Leadership emphasis, and I suddenly wanted to find out more. After checking the reviews and getting more information about the school, I decided this is the school for me. With the combination of an online environment and my passion for business and leadership studies, I think I will really thrive at Post University. I want to be accepted to Post University's program so I can have these advantages.

I want to stand out from the crowd, and having an MBA will help make that happen. I'm currently involved in a development program at work that covers all kinds of leadership topics, and it just makes sense that I'd pursue this Master's Degree while I have this solid foundation. Eventually I'd like to be in a senior leadership position with GE and this will be a great stepping stone for that. Here I am, two years later, now much surer of what I want out of life. I now have the mindset and dedication to be the best student that I can be, and with that in mind, I'd love to be a part of the Post University MBA program with leadership emphasis.

Feel free to go crazy with comments, suggestions and/or corrections.

I am curious if there was a particular reason that you were encouraged to be a business major-- you may want to add that detail.

The fact that I'd only need one math class was the attraction, but once I started classes for my major, I FELL IN LOVE.

Hmm.. can you re-word this statement, you place too much importance on the math. Also, change "fell in love" because it is a bit corny and over-used in these type of essays.

I had no idea that there were so many theories and opinions out there on leadership, and when these leadership topics were applied to the business world, suddenly the business world wasn't so boring to me anymore.

This sentence is too long, shorten it or turn it into 2 shorter sentences.

My grades started to improve, and to my surprise I even made the Dean's List.
Wow good for you :) I would create a smoother transition from the previous sentence to this one.

Recently, I found out that some classes won't be needed if I go into the semester conversion at Wright State, and I opted for that.

This is a bit confusing, can you clear it up?

Suggestion: If you have any short-term or long-term goals related to your schooling, add that into your paper. The college would be more inclined to accept a person with a solid plan, or a goal that they are working towards... just a tip :)

Thank you for the suggestions. I have my updates to it. Please let me know if there is anything else you would suggest. I'm also looking for grammar/spelling as that is not my strongest area.

In the beginning of 2010 I was encouraged by friends and family to be a business major. I had been working for General Electric (GE) for two years, and it seemed like the right move to them, but I wasn't sure. There were obvious benefits. GE would pay for Business classes, but with all the math involved was it really for me? The Business world had also seemed uninteresting, and I had changed my major so many times, what if I changed my mind again. Deep in thought I found myself going through the lists of majors that Wright State University had to offer, and came across Organizational Leadership. The fact that I'd only need one math class was a major attraction. I soon signed the forms to switch my major, and once I started the classes it was clear how much I was enjoying the coursework.

I found myself absorbing a lot of knowledge and getting a lot of new perspectives. My views on leadership certainly changed. For example, I always thought leadership was born not taught. It had never occurred to me just how many theories and opinions are out there on leadership! My enthusiasm and interest continued to stay throughout the whole program. I earned mostly A's and B's in my Organizational Leadership classes and was even engaged in non-major classes. My GPA was at it's highest, and to my surprise I even made the Dean's List! By no means was I a perfect student even after starting this major, but I definitely had a new found passion, and when it came to Organizational Leadership classes I gave it my all.

Recently, I found out that some classes won't be needed for graduates after fall of 2012. As a result I was able to post pone my graduation for the trade off of not having to take anymore classes. My graduation will be in December, and with this time off, I've seriously considered if Graduate School is for me. One major realization is that the classes I have thrived in outside of Organizational Leadership have been web based, and a lot of activities for Organizational Leadership have also been heavily web based. In retrospect it seems like scheduling conflicts were the greatest factors affecting my performance, so, it made since to me that I should find an online grad school if I were to pursue this. I debated heavily over an MBA versus Leadership studies. When I came across Post University, I found a MBA program with a Leadership emphasis, and I suddenly wanted to find out more. After checking the reviews and getting more information about the school, I decided this is the school for me. With the combination of an online environment and my passion for business and leadership studies, I think I will really thrive at Post University. I want to be accepted to Post University's program so I can have these advantages.

I want to stand out from the crowd, and having an MBA will help make that happen. I'm currently involved in a development program at work that covers all kinds of leadership topics, and it just makes sense that I'd pursue this Master's Degree while I have this solid foundation. Eventually I'd like to be in a senior leadership position with GE and this will be a great stepping stone for that. I hope to be finished within two years, during which time I plan on making one or two lateral career moves. At the end of the two years I know I will want to start pursuing vertical moves. I value my experiences at GE, but I value my education more, and I know I want to continue my education with Post University.

In the beginning of 2010 I was encouraged (became inspired?) by friends and family to become a business major.

I had been working for General Electric (GE) for two years, and it seemed like the right move to them, but I was unsure .
Maybe find a better word than "move" in this sentence. Step forward? perhaps

...but with all the math involved was it really for me?
Maybe say: "but I had little interest in mathematics?"

The Business world had also seemed uninteresting, and I had changed my major so many times, what if I changed my mind again?
I wonder if there are better ways to say "uninteresting" and "I had changed my major so many times" because I think it should sound more "positive" Try to paint yourself in the best possible light... these words stick out as you being wishy washy. Be more specific and confident.

Deep in thought, I found myself going through I researched the lists of majors that Wright State University had to offer, and came across Organizational Leadership.

I soon signed the forms to switch my major, and once I started the classes, it was clear how much I wasenjoyed the coursework.

As a result, I was able to postpone my graduation for the trade off of not having to take anymore classes.
It sounds strange when you say " for the trade off of not having to take anymore classes." I would re-word this.