Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing"

Statement of Purpose

As an engineer, I am an artist. During my school days whenever I had free time I used to draw something. As my life progressed I was more fascinated with art and creativity. But since I excelled in academics, I was bound to study science. This led me to pursue my career in Computer Engineering. During the course I suffered from a disease called fibromyalgia. It was a difficult phase where I had to leave my studies for the treatment. (But my struggle, patience, and determination paid off and I earned a bachelor's degree.) As I believe in being perseverance, this is what helped me to earn a bachelor's degree.

Besides these works; I love doing social work. I've served as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization (NCO), a child orphanage. This placement has taught me to make the most of every opportunity in life and take positives from every situation. The children are so open-minded and adorable. They have given me so much more joy, love and inspiration than I could have imagined. In spite of their disabilities and poor background they are so positive, loving and hardworking. As a volunteer you would be inspired by their zest for life. It was a personally satisfying experience. My other interests include photography and interior designing.

3D World magazine has rated the BU-based National Centre for Computer Animation as the best place to study computer animation in the UK and as number eight in the world. NCCA has close working relationships with leading games and film industries. I am excited about the bystander effects related research being carried out by Professor Jian Zhang and his colleagues. The creation of a digital version of the Beijing National Opera is appealing. These stimulate my desire to pursue graduate degree at BU. Also, a chance of learning from experience of distinguished and renowned faculties at BU will certainly entice any individual hungry for knowledge.

SHIVANI SHRESTHA

Rewrite your essay, making an effort to vary your sentence structures and lengths. At the moment, your sentences are pretty much the same in their overall construction and length, creating a monotonous style that lulls the reader to sleep. Also, add in some transitions. You jump from one idea to the next -- art, engineering, animation, back ache, volunteering with kids, becoming a designer. While the ideas are sort of related (for the most part) you never make any of the connections explicit, which makes your essay a bit difficult to follow.

It was in my third grade that I first received an award for drawing.

However the journey was not smooth, I suffered from a major back ache. This is a run-on sentence. You should break it into 2 sentences. Also, name the actual condition you had... not just "back ache."

Apart from academics, I served as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization (NCO), a child orphanage.

thanks a lot for your suggestions...i get your point but how do i link the ideas? i'm finding it hard to write it. is my writing too childish? i want to let them know that though i am an engineer i've always been interested in arts. also i've crossed a difficult phase where i had to leave my studies for a year.. i don't know how to express all these things...

Major back ache sounded childish, I guess.

I think it is better not to capitalize "designer" or "animation." Also "bachelor's degree" does not need to be capitalized when you are just refering to a bachelor's degree in general.

See this: hubpages.com/hub/How-to-write-the-term-bachelors-degree

Now, you want to express that you have a passion for art that you will use as an engineer. You also want to tell them that you had a difficult phase where you had to postpone your studies for a year. I think you should add a sentence or two to the first paragraph to tell that these are central to your current situation and outlook.

This is already looking great!

Why is it that people always express what they want to say most articulately when they are insisting they don't know how to express themselves? "Though i am an engineer, I've always been interested in arts"is an excellent topic sentence you could use to introduce a paragraph discussing how you would like to combine your two interests. Likewise, "I've crossed a difficult phase where i had to leave my studies for a year" works perfectly well as a topic sentence for a paragraph about that phase, though the use of the word "crossed" is ever so slightly awkward. That's an easy fix, though -- just substitute in something like "suffered through" for "crossed,"

Thank you so much for the help. i'll write the essay again and post it tonight so that u could let me know if its better.

i've made some changes but still not satisfied with the first two paras. and what about the rest? before the last para i have to add a para about the university i'm applying to. and what about the sentences inside the brakets ()? do i need to mention them? plz help...

It was in my third grade that I first received an award for drawing.

But my struggle, patience, and determination paid off and I earned a bachelor's degree.

In the realm of Engineering, I've developed a special interest in animation when I prepared my final year project.

This project was the highlight of my academic career and my biggest achievement.

Then I realized that a combination of Engineering and Masters in Animation would be the most logical extension of my academic pursuits.

They have given me so much more joy, love and inspiration than I could have imagined.
As a volunteer you would be inspired by their zest for life. (It was a personally satisfying experience.) I think this sentence should be included.

My long term goal is to establish myself as a designer exploring various sectors of art like game development and film making.

My quest for a quality graduate education has also been driven by the desire to contribute to the growth of digital art in Nepal.

Therefore after I complete my degree I want to return here and work for the same. I am confident that I have the ability and motivation to excel in your graduate program. I would be grateful to you if I am accorded the opportunity to pursue my graduate studies at your institution and am able to justify your faith in me.

This is so much better. Let's see it again once you add the other paragraph.

:)

I really appreciate your help. thank u so much... but could u suggest sth better for the first two paras? sth more to add? i don't know... ok i'll post the entire statement.

now how do i relate the 2nd last para with the rest? i'm confused... plz suggest sth. also for the first two paras...

Well, first I think you should change it so that you won't be suggesting that engineering is not an art. As an engineer, I am an artist. That would be better.

You can mention fibromyalgia as an aside... you can mention it as part of a sentence about overcoming odds and completing a degree. It does not need its own para, and I think that is what is giving you a problem. Can you merge the first 2 paragraphs, get rid of one sentence, and add a sentence at the end? The sentence at the end should say that completing the program opened your eyes to many possibilities, which you will explain in the essay.

The writing and grammar are excellent...

Thank you very much.. i think i don't need to add a line at the end because i'm starting the next para saying the same. what do u think?? and which one sentence to get rid of? is it one inside the bracket? and what do u suggest about the 2nd last para?? how do i relate that para with the previous one? do i need to add a sentence at the beginning of this para?

SHIVANI SHRESTHA

The way you begin the last paragraph is good! Use a hyphen for film-making.

Oh, I see what you mean about continuing your idea from the first paragraph when begining the second; yes, that is great.

I like it a lot better with the opening sentence about being an artist as an engineer.

It was in third grade that I first received an award for drawing. This sentence does not really help. I think it is better without it! :)

Yes, I think the sentence inside parentheses should be cut, too.

The essay is very well-written; I think the awkward part is that first paragraph. Can you give a single, powerful theme, like "perseverance"? If you do, it will make sense to mention fibromyalgia in that first paragraph, and the whole essay will be about perseverance.

It was a difficult phase where I had to leave my studies for the treatment. (But my struggle, patience, and determination paid off and I earned a bachelor's degree.) As I believe in being perseverance, this is what helped me to earn a bachelor's degree.

well i could think of this line only. have a look. which one is better the previous one(inside the bracket) or this one. And i asked u about the para before the last one where i've written about the university.. how do i relate this para with the one before it? do i need to add a line at the beginning of this para the 2nd last paragraph??? i hope u got my question.

i've directly begun with 3D world magazine... is it fine?? do i need to add a sentence before that to link with the previous para??

This is good:

...leave my studies for the treatment, but my struggle, patience, and determination paid...

I like the paragraph about your reasons for wanting to attend! It's great. I think you should move this sentence to the beginning so that you do not start right off with 3D World Magazine:

I am excited about the fact that NCCA has close working relationships with leading games and film industries. 3D World Magazine has...

(...) I am excited about the fact that BU-based National Centre for Computer Animation (NCCA) has close working relationships with leading games and film industries. 3D World magazine has rated the NCCA as the best place to study computer animation in the UK and as number eight in the world. I am equally excited about the bystander effects related research being carried out by Professor Jian Zhang and his colleagues. (...)

I guess this is it then.. the final version of my sop. I suppose it has turned out well.. what do u say??
and thanks a million for the help.. I might trouble u again in future..

The connections between your ideas in your first paragraph are still a bit loose. Try to tighten them a bit.

Your second paragraph is solid, except for one sentence: "As a volunteer you would be inspired by their zest for life." Why not stick with the first person here?

Your third paragraph is excellent, and just the sort of thing you need for this sort of essay.

Good luck.

For the 2nd para I think I should write "As a volunteer I was inspired by their zest for life"

I've tried writing the first paragraph again. What do u think about this one?

I don't know if the ideas are well connected this time..

...my years in school, when drawing was my pastime.

Life was not easy then; I was diagnosed with a disease called fibromyalgia. I suffered through that difficult phase where I had to leave my studies for the treatment.

I guess I can now put this paragraph and discard the previous and it final. do u think it is ok now?

Life was not easy during my undergraduate studies ; I was diagnosed with...

I guess I think that would be better, more specific.

As an engineer, I am an artist. My interest in arts dates back to my years in school, when drawing was my pastime. The habit of drawing widened my horizon towards arts and creativity. But since I excelled in academics, I was bound to study science. This led me to pursue my career in Computer Engineering. Life was not easy during my undergraduate studies; I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I suffered through that difficult phase where I had to leave my studies for the treatment. But my struggle, patience and determination paid off and I earned a bachelor's degree.

ok done.. i'm gonna make this my final paragraph. thank u once again.

The paragraph is looking pretty strong now. I'd change the first sentence back to "I am engineer who is also an artist," or some such. The sentence as it stands could be an interesting thesis, but the old version works better with what you go on to say. Apart from that, you are good to go.