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Personal Statement: M.Eng Aerospace Engineering (McGill Mastercard Foundation)



drae_whiz 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2019   #1
Hello everyone at EssayForum.Thanks for the time taken to read this wall of text.

As part of the requirements for a Mastercard scholarship nomination by McGill University, I'm required to write a personal statement.
Here it is below. Please share your comments, thoughts and critiques.

The word limit is 350 words.

Thanks everyone

PERSONAL STATEMENT
If you ask my siblings, they would mention that some of their earliest memories of me were chasing after aeroplanes and contrails in the sky as a toddler; I have always been fascinated by them.

While a routine occurrence to most people, the sight of an aircraft in flight or rocket launch broadcast remains a showstopper to me as I stop to ponder the complexities that were undertaken to lift such an engineering marvel. This unexplainable fascination has served as a driving force throughout my life. It is the reason for specializing in the sciences in my senior secondary school years and the pursuit of a mechanical engineering degree in the university.

During my University final years, I undertook a project challenge of designing and constructing a surveillance Unmanned Aerial Vehicle with a multidisciplinary team. Through design and testing in various CAD and simulation software, I was able to successfully utilize locally available materials such as plywood and pinewood for the airframe construction. Research during the project showed me how much I would love to learn about aerospace.

I almost gave up on the pursuit of aerospace engineering when faced with the economic realities until I watched SpaceX land a used booster after many failed attempts. It was then that I realised that no African nation had attempted to reach for the heavens.

This has solidified my pursuit of aeronautics and space engineering. A degree and experience in aerospace engineering mean I can have a helping hand in the future of space and scientific exploration by the African continent because there are boundless possibilities and discoveries yet to be made.

The achievements made in the realm of flight and space have inspired inventions that have always offered improvements in the lives of billions of people across the globe, even in Africa. An example is the water purification device originally developed by NASA for astronauts that today, provide affordable drinking water to my family and many others across the African continent. I am excited about the possibilities that my future holds with an aerospace engineering degree from McGill University.

I strongly believe that with this degree, I can make an impact on countless lives, inspire young people and become part of the future of aerospace in Africa.

Maria - / 1096  
Oct 29, 2019   #2
@drae_whiz
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will be helpful for your writing endeavors. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us again.

First and foremost, while the introduction was a great and yet simplified approach to introducing the entirety of the text, I find that the initial portions still need a bit of tailoring to ensure that you are delivering the message with sufficient clarity. It would be better if you had already introduced the fundamental core idea that you want to promote in your essay from the get-go. Doing this will surely boost your delivery of the message.

Furthermore, the latter portions need to be prioritized and compartmentalized a bit more. If we take a look at your third to fifth paragraph, they should be compressed altogether to ensure that you are delivering everything with ease. Remember that having a composed approach to writing will go a long way.

Always go back to the core value that you're promoting when discussing specific experiences taht you have garnered from the program. Doing this will give readers a better briefing as to what you are truly trying to utter in the texts you have provided.
AGeek 2 / 2  
Nov 15, 2019   #3
I think there are too many short paragraphs so, you should combine certain lines in one paragraph to give it a better overall appearance.


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