This is my first scholarship essay for the personal statement. Please, feel free to interpret me.
Personal Statement
Aerospace Engineering Department of Kunkok University
Making dreams and trying to get the dreams in our lives is very important. We make disciplines and also must catch the opportunities to achieve those dreams. I also made a goal and waiting for the opportunities to accomplish my goal of studying Master's degree at aerospace engineering in Korea, this Global Korea Scholarship (GKS) will bridge me to get this goal. There are some reasons to apply to this scholarship. First of all, I am a graduated in Aerospace Engineering (Propulsion and Flight Vehicles) from Myanmar Aerospace Engineering University. Secondly, one of my admired teacher, Dr. XXXX who had got a Ph.D. degree from Konkuk University, always share his experiences of Korean higher quality education, cultures and mindset and the Konkuk University is also very strong in Aerospace Research, especially in Aircraft Design Lab. Those above reasons motivate me to make research in aircraft design, therefore, I could able learn how to be a professional in aerospace engineering, on the other hand, I also could able to learn Korean higher education, traditional cultures through Global Korea Scholarship (KGS).
I've already got some research experiences in aircraft design and optimization over two years as an undergraduate student for my future study. In those years, I participated in an international conference and also published in an academic journal. My research is to design an aircraft and optimize that aircraft for minimum drag under the supervision of Dr. XXXX at FEELab started from 2016. At that time, we usually made discussion with FEELab members and sometimes gave presentations at Propulsion and Flight Vehicles department. Those experiences make me love and continue doing research of aircraft design and optimization by pursuing Master's degree. In my Bachelor's degree, I was a co-leader of design and construction of mini-jet engine project with 10 group members. This project takes the period from 2016 to 2018, I got some experiences which concern with propulsion and jet engine theories broadly. This group project made me how to be a good team member, a good leader and how to make relations with others. Outside of the study, I also belonged to a Student Union, a very first union in our university. We only have the aim of developing our university. My position was for editing and typing the poems, mottos, and articles from student to achieve monthly wallpaper magazine. I also passed the middle class of Red Cross Society (RCS). In university football competitions, our RCS plays an important role for helping players who are injured. Above experiences had a great effect on my personality as I learned many skills such as teamwork, leadership, and time management.
My research supervisor and his wife lived in Korea for 6 years. I usually heard the Korean education, cultures, personality, and Korea nature from them. Especially, my supervisor always motivates me to achieve higher education like Korea. He also suggests me to continue my passion for designing aircraft, Kunkok University is the best suit for me because Aircraft Design Lab is very strong when he was a Ph.D. student. And the university's Footsteps and Accomplishments, Student Friendly Environment attract me to use my experiences, develop my skills at that University. That is why I would like to study at Kunkok University by catching this opportunity.
I hope that the information I mentioned above would cover my personality and purpose of applying for this scholarship. And I strongly believe that the Aerospace Engineering Department of Kunkok University will help me to explore my creative idea of designing aircraft, to develop my skills and to fulfill my goal, to study higher quality education, Master's degree in Korea, a part of my dream.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Zin, your essay can use some strengthening. Your motivation for studying on Korea and reasons for studying in Korea are all based on what you heard about the experience of other people. There is no strong personal desire to pursue a Korean education because of your desire to be trained under Koreans. That is very obvious in this essay and that is what will make it very weak. Instead, you are applying to Korea based on a desire to have a "Korean lifestyle experience" as your wife and mentor did. These are extremely non-considerable reasons for your application which will further weaken your chances.
You have to be specific about any international conferences you attended, mention the publication dates and journals of your research articles, and explain what these were all about. How your participated in it and why this is notable as a part of your application. Your undergraduate projects are too little explained to be consider as a part of your educational background asset. There is also no reference to professional experiences, which are one of the main considerations for any GKS applicant.
Overall, I do not see this as an essay that will make it past the screening phase because of the total weakness of referenced information. You must write this essay from the point of view of someone who has a strong personal desire to study in Korea, mentioning the influence of your wife and mentor as little as possible because they are not the applicants for the scholarship. Try to convince the reader that you have personal non-influenced decisions for wishing to study in Korea.
