Personal Statement for MSc in Biochemical Engineering (only the intro)

Hey everybody!
I was comparing the lengths of my toenails when I had something which Kevin calls "a moment of inspiration". Immediately, I wrote down that "something" which I hope will be the introduction to my personal statement. Now I've got no idea whether such a style can be adopted for this type of essay. So I badly need some help. I'll consider everyone's suggestions, and if necessary, I'm ready to scrap the whole thing and start afresh.

"No", said my supervisor.
I animatedly said, "But sir, this is the best process. We can use waste sulphite substrate from paper mills as the raw material. So its benefits are twofold - clean fuel and waste disposal".

"I agree, but we cannot hope for large scale production; at least, not in the state of Assam", he reminded me.

That was the conversation I had with my supervisor after two months into the literature survey of my final year project. He had rejected my proposal to use fermentation as the ethanol production process. Although, I knew he was right, I was bitterly disappointed. The thought of microorganisms converting wastes into fuel had taken hold of my mind. In the couple of months that followed, I gradually decided to pursue higher studies in this field - the field of Biochemical Engineering.

Well, I don't think I have any better knowledge of that, but I'll try. First of all, I don't think yo should worry about the example because it sounds good and, typically, you can write an essay about pretty much anything--the first time you tasted mustard, if you wish--and dazzle the reader if you explain why you are talking about this one specific experience rather than any other one well enough. Well, anyway, as it is a "personal statement," it does seem as if you are making a statement (a personal one) and are being more formal rather than flamboyantly informal so I don't really see a problem here. Hopefully someone who as actually gotten out of High School will come along soon.

Here are some grammar suggestions, out of habit. I don't think it really matters since this is an uber-rough draft, but, what the hay.

"No," said my supervisor.
I animatedly said, "But sir, this is the best process: w e can use waste sulphite substrate from paper mills as the raw material. So its benefits are twofold - clean fuel and waste disposal".

"I agree, but we cannot hope for large scale production; at least, not in the state of Assam," he reminded me.

That was the conversation I had with my supervisor after two months into the literature survey of my final year project. He had rejected my proposal to use fermentation as the ethanol production process. Although, I knew he was right, I was bitterly disappointed. The thought of microorganisms converting wastes into fuel had taken hold of my mind. In the couple of months that followed, I gradually decided to pursue higher studies in this field - the field of Biochemical Engineering. (Dramatic Dash, nice. Were you asking if a dramatic style is appropriate? This is definitely Drama movie intro-worthy. I like it, at any rate.)

Thank you, Maria!! :)


Haha...you're doing just fine.


Thanks for clearing that confusion. I've been unsure of that for a while.


Actually, I was wondering about the conversation part -- the direct speech and stuff.


Hahaha...:D :D

Glad I can help ^^


Yep, punctuation goes on the inside of quotes...I missed that period at the end of the other one. I think the rule is that it looks pretty & formal...English is funny XD


Hmm, good point. Whatever the case is, you didn't use much dialogue & you have the rest of your essay to right "normally." Dialogue is often used as a "hook" in essays so I would think it is OK. It doesn't look too aberrant to me, at least

Good luck on the rest! =D

That's funny...

I don't know if I have ever seen an intro like this before... "No", said my supervisor.
That is clever. I like it!

The is pretty great. It's exactly the approach I would use: prove to them that you are inspired and driven.

This does have that energy of inspiration, for sure.

***My task with you is to get you to stop using so many adjectives and adverbs. Adjectives have to be used so, so, so sparingly in order to be effective. Adverbs, on the other hand, almost always weaken a piece of writing:

I animatedly said, "But sir, this is..."

:-)
modifiers are always telling instead of showing. Action verbs show.

It's cool then, I guess.


Okay, I see. I'll work on that.
By the way, I WAS animated in that discussion, but I totally get your point.

Thank you both :)