Dear friends,
Let me introduce myself: I am a kazakhstani student who is willing to study Public Policy and here is the draft of my personal statement. I shall be happy to receive constructive comments and some spell check.
There were no special requirements except that: "describe the reasons for your choice of programme, your choice of university, why you think you are a suitable candidate for your chosen programme" Thanks in advance.
"It is better to get lost with your people,
rather to find the way alone" (my own translation, is it sounds ok?)
Kazakh Proverb
Since getting independence in 1991, people of Kazakhstan were able to experience radical transformation from the Soviet command system to the market economy and more or less liberal democracy. I still remember how my mother was bringing her salary in a big bag (because of hyperinflation), how during winters our region was living without electricity and heating (because of energy crisis) or how together with my family we were standing for a whole day in a queue (in order to privatize our flat after USSR dissolution). Even though not knowing a single term from the brackets, already at that time I was able to feel the importance of social changes and governmental policies on people's everyday life. Luckily, all of the above obstacles are the matter of past now: during the last eighteen years Kazakhstan was able to make a significant step forward in terms of economic growsgrowth and creation of civil society. What concerns me, I strongly willing to contribute to further development of my country and that is the reason why I decided to dedicate myself to the profession of public servant. [you need to review this sentence. You start off like you about to share your concerns, which you don't then you quickly go to your intent ]
After finishing high school in 2006, I have beenwas admitted to YYY - which is one of the best Central Asian universities. Despite protests from my parents, who wanted me to study business administration, (and in that year career in business looked to be unclouded and very promising...) I have selected the path of a public employee. Ironically, due to the current economic recession, everything which relates to business, finance or banking is in a big trouble and that is the government is trying to improve the situation. Considering this, I have a full confidence that our region is in a strong need for a new generation of public policymakers.
As a student of Public Administration department, I have always been particularly interested in the process of lobbying and policy implementation. Personally, I consider these two issues of policymaking being the most crucial and challenging. For instance, this semester while having an internship in Akimat (City Council), it was very curios for me to read policies, which looked very nice on paper but in reality were badly implemented.
And when it comes to lobbying, isn't it exciting to analyze how different networks of interest groups (politicians, businesses and general public) are contributing to the final outcome?
The reason for me to study at XXX is that yYour University offers Public Policy program which is interdisciplinary in nature and incorporates within the issues of regulation, economics and even law. Another very important aspect is that studying at XXX means that you I will gain the most cutting edge knowledge in the sphere of public policy. I am confident that through receiving an advanced degree I shall be able to create a successful career in public service here in Kazakhstan
I believe that my intellectual abilities, academic background, positive thinking, openness and adaptability shall make my candidacy suitable for the Master's program at XXX. I shall do my best not only to gain knowledge in sphere of public policy but also to maintain and contribute to the widely known excellence of yYour University.
T. A. 11/12/09
(and in that year career in business looked to be unclouded and very promising...)
(because of hyperinflation)
I think you should integrate this sentences, as well as the others, into the text instead of putting them in brackets.
Thank You McGregor10
I shall integrate them...
All in all, how You can rate my essay (out of 10):
Grammar=
Clearness=
Structure=
Overall=
it was very curios for me to read policies, which looked very nice on paper but in reality were badly implemented
This sentence doesn't really make sense. Also instead of "badly" I would use "poorly"; it sounds better.
Ironically, due to the current economic recession, everything which relates to business, finance or banking is in a big trouble and that is the government trying to improve the situation
Again, this sentence is somewhat incoherent. I'm not quite sure what you are trying to convey. Also, you don't need an "a" between "in" and "big trouble"; just "banking is in big trouble".
The reason for me to study at XXX is that Your University offers Public Policy program which is interdisciplinary in nature and incorporates within the issues of regulation, economics and even law
Instead I would say, " One of the reasons I am interested in studying at XXX is that it offers an interdisciplinary public policy program which incorporates issues related to regulation, economics, and law."
I don't think I can numerically grade you on each of those areas but if I had to choose two on which you needed to improve the most it would be grammar and clarity.
You've answered all the questions the statement has asked; you just need to restructure some of your sentences to make them clearer.
10/10!!!
This essay is very convincing, very intelligent. It accomplishes something most admissions essays do not accomplish: you make the reader become curious and genuinely interested. I wonder if you know how engaging your writing is.
Below, I'll eliminate some unhelpful stuff:
As a student of Public Administration, department I have always been particularly interested in the process of lobbying and policy implementation. Personally, I consider these two issues of policymaking being the most crucial and challenging. For instance, This semester while having an internship in Akimat (City Council), it was very curios for me to read policies, which looked very nice on paper but in reality were badly implemented. And when it comes to lobbying, isn't it exciting to analyze how different networks of interest groups (politicians, businesses and general public) are contributing to the final outcome? (i suggest adding a short sentence here that expresses the answer to this question. Can you describe the way they all contribute in a short sentence of only 10 words or less? That would be interesting.)
I hope you have great success!!
Hey Tair,
I managed to read your essay and must say it is a good one.. Had a few comments though. I have copied it here.. Please do me a favour and read mine as well. Thanks
