"to study M.Sc in telecommunications engineering" Help me and make critique to my SoP

Hi
Greetings

I am planning to apply to several US universities to study M.Sc in telecommunications engineering , and I write this SoP. Could you please make critique to my SoP !

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------
My name is < my name > , < my nationality > living in < my city > and born in 1977. I have a Bachelor degree in Electrical Engineering from < my university > and graduated in June 2000 with a GPA 3.28 out of 5.00.

I have an 11 years experience as a Telecommunications engineer in < my company name > - Telecommunications Department since I have graduated. During my career , I worked with a various telecommunications equipment with different roles . In the first seven years, I worked with Telephone systems , PABX and its peripherals such as Network Management System , Call Center, IP telephony ...etc. During this time, I played multiple roles; Operations & Maintenance, Service administration, Project management. In the last three years, I moved to the Project & Design division which is responsible for developing and improving the Optical transmission systems & network ( SDH/PDH and Optical Fiber network ) and Management of the project execution up to commissioning and testing of the installed equipment.

Along with this experience, I always keep following the latest advancements in Telecommunications technologies in different areas such as DWDM, Carrier Ethernet, FTTX, Data networks ...etc. I have a comprehensive understanding of Telecommunications industry in multiple levels; from the level of enterprise communications to the level of transmission networks to the level of broadband communications.

During my career, I attended several technical and self improvement training courses in Europe and locally in < my country > . I listed them in my resume. I also attended the Alcatel forum in Paris and Computer-Telephony Integration conference in Dubai.

I also keep improve my skills in the field of project management and got a PMP in Nov. 2010 . I always try to understand the business perspectives of telecommunications, and I am aware of the implications of the telecommunications on other social fields such as education, health, economics ...etc.

I want to study the Master of Science in telecommunications to master the technical issues of the telecommunications and to join an elite academic community that enable me to full understand the telecommunications and enter the world of researches that enable me to possess the skills and abilities to improve the telecommunications industry in my country.

My request is to give me a conditional admission to your program of Master of Science in Telecommunications.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Thanks in advance

It sound very strong it definitely show-case your education and achievements. However, I am not too comfortable with your repetitive words choice like "I also keep improving" and" I always keep". You can review that to reflect strong statement such as I improved my skill....

This is my personally opinion...
Best of luck...

I don't think it is good to start with all this info. Here is my rule:

Give the reader ingfo, and you make her work.
Give the reader interesting concepts, and you delight her.

If you want to catch the reader's attention, give here a delightful concept at the start.

I think it is not even necessary to tell your age, where you are from, that you have a degree, etc... because the reader will know this info based on your application! So... instead of informing the reader this way, use the first sentences of the essay to INTRIGUE the reader.

During my career, I attended several technical and self improvement training courses in Europe and locally in < my country > . I listed them in my resume. ----Again here... they see the resume, so you don't have to give this info. HOWEVER, you can refer to the resume and make an intriguing point, a bold claim, a prediction, a promise. Refer to the info as part of the process of giving your UNFORGETTABLE message to the reader.

:-)

This is very good already!! I just want to encourage you to infuse it with a concept, a theme that expresses what you are all about.

Thanks Kofolaguda
your comments are realy helpful to me :)

Thank you Kevin
Your comment enlightened me
you are right , some info could be found in resume and the submitted documents
i will restructure it
thanks :)