Successful research career/ SOP for Grad School

Hello,
I am preparing my SOP for applying to Graduate School.
Would you please help me to improve my SOP by giving some suggestions?
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Statement of Purpose

My ambition to pursue a successful research career directed me to apply at X University M.S. program in the department of Y. I believe the experience I will get from X University while doing M.S will help met to accomplish my goal to become a researcher in my desired field.

My research interests include Semiconductor Materials, Nanophotonic devices and Solar Cells. I came to know about these fields in my undergrad period while doing course works and attending in seminars arranged by the department and various clubs. In my final year I did a thesis titled "Analysis of CNT-Si Heterojunction Solar Cells". Here we proposed a novel type of intrinsic-p-type Heterojunction solar cell model. We suggested a range of CNT diameter which can efficiently form Heterojunction with Si. With this range of CNT diameter our model gives higher efficiency. While doing our project the main problem we faced was - we weren't finding the actual behavior of the band bending behavior of the intrinsic Carbon Nanotube and we assumed that the band bending is linear and developed the mathematical model regarding this assumption. We wrote a MATLAB code for analysis the solar cells model.

Immediately After completing my undergraduate degree, I joined as a Graduate Teaching Assistant in East West University. Here I worked as GTA for fall 2011 and spring 2012. As a GTA my responsibilities were to grade the lab reports, assist the professor in the laboratory classes, give assistance to the students with their term projects and maintain an office hour to discuss with students about their course related problems. I helped many students on their projects throughout my working period. Among these projects some of them which I enjoyed to work were PLC based water level detector, PLC based alarm sensor, and microcontroller based basement car counter. I also helped to build senior year students' final year projects in fall 2011 semester which was "Microcontroller based line follower robot".

I participated in the "National Electronic Project Exhibition and Competition (NEPEC) 2009" organized by the East West University, held on august 5, 2009 with our project "Microcontroller based Fire Alarm". Our project was placed 7th among the 22 projects participated by 11 universities of the country. This competition gave me the opportunity to share amazing ideas with fellow competitors and meet with some renowned professors around the country.

I gave presentation on five course projects throughout my undergraduate study. I believe this experience will lead me to do well as a post grad candidate where I have to do research and present them in front of intellectual peoples. I also attended many seminars and workshops which gave me the experience of how a professional research presentation should be held. These seminars gave me the experience of sharing intellectual's thought with renowned researchers around the world.

I think the experience I gained through my undergraduate and working period will help me to become a good graduate student in X University. X University will give me the good foundation of research experience which will be helpful for me to achieve my goal becoming a researcher in my desired field and fulfill my long term wish.

I'm going to give a disclaimer before I give my comments because I'm not sure if MS programs want more of a straight forward SoP because they are more technical in nature. I think you've given a lot of information about the work that you have done, but I'm not getting any personality in this SoP that makes me want to get to know you. They are already going to see your CV so they'll have all of these facts in that document, but this essay should be more about what motivates you and how the work that you have done is in line with your future goals. Its great that you're accomplished, and this will definitely help you excel in graduate school, but they want to know what you have gained and why you enjoy working in this field so much. Here is what I think you need to add to your essay:

1) A hook -- The first few lines of your essay; a way to get them interested to learn more about you.
2) A motivation -- Tell them a story about a time you were down, and you worked hard to get to where you are. This will show them how badly you want to be in this program.

3) An order -- make this more chronological and tell me a story with the order of events. You started talking about your presentations during your undergraduate degree towards the end of the paragraph, but your experience after graduating before that.

4) Be yourself! You don't have to be a robot that is highly efficient and gets work done. Show them that you struggled and you want this degree, and there's nothing they can do to stop you.

Good luck, hope this helped.

You talk alot about your research past which is very good, however, you mention nothing about University X and how they will factor into your educational and career goals. I mean that's kinda the main reason why someone would write a statement of PURPOSE. -AAO

Hi Gupta,
Thank you very much for your constructive suggestion. I will follow your suggestion to make better my SoP.

Hello Jackson,
Thank you very much for your reply.
Could you please suggest me how can I make a attractive opening paragraph?
Should I start with some previous story?
Regards

hey,
I think in the opening paragraph u said that Masters will help you accomplish your goals to become a researcher in your desired field. U should convey the desired field you want to research in.

Based on my knowledge a good sop should convey all this:
- It should put a little light on your academic and professional background. Which you have done in your case.
- It should convey the reason how you developed an interest in your field
- It should convey the reason why you want to pursue the masters
- And finally the reason for choosing the respective university
I am not from your background. For me the sop is too technical ( My opinion)
Regards,

Hello Niraj,

Thank you for your critical opinion.
I got your point. I am working on it.

Best Regards,
Md Roqibul Hasan