How have the influences in your life shaped you?
I need Your assistance in reviewing my essay for the above question
Growing up in a small village in the then Sudan that was in war that lasted for 21 years and resulted in an independent state the current South Sudan. My parents and the community we live in played a great role by providing me with the necessary support, love, and encouragement even in difficult times of the war when access to basic services such as health, school, sanitation, and food was limited. My parents and the community taught me the great values of perseverance, empathy, integrity, and honesty seeing the things they go through in order to provide for their families inspired me a lot to always strive for the best in all works of life.
Joining school at the age of 9 is not an easy thing for a child like me despite the challenges we are going through as IDPs in the Bushes of the then-Sudan but my teachers and the stakeholders who supported us with school in the community gave me the necessary support, hope, and motivated my passion for education through their dedication, knowledge, and enthusiasm which empowered me to learn new things and strengthen myself academically. My father once told me when I was in year one in secondary school that I should consider my education as my first wife and this advice kept me focused on my education and put other things aside despite being an adult at the age of 18, I took it seriously till I completed my studies and became the first-generation graduate in the entire family line. Throughout my academic Journey I have encountered many challenges one of them was after my completion of secondary school I could not proceed to the University immediately because my parents couldn't afford to keep me in the city and even pay me in the neighboring countries to get quality education like the other children of the rich class in the country. I had to decide and move to the city and hustle to look for opportunities to further my education luckily after two years of struggle I got a partial scholarship from the government to study computer science at the country's top University these life experiences impacted me and made a great changed in my life.
At the university, I encountered professors and lecturers who inspired me a lot through their work which has contributed to the social, political, and economic development of my country and motivated me to serve the same calling their dedication and commitment to educating the future generation of the country in the era of the civil war just a few years after independence shows their love for the country despite the challenges the country is going through has taught me the spirit of resilient.
My life experiences have changed me into a person who values the importance of knowledge, believes in diversity, and networking to make a great difference. The people I encountered in my life journey taught me strong life ethics, a passion for continuous learning, and a sense of responsibility towards the society I come from. My connection with them has contributed to my personal, academic, and professional growth.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,430 4691
The essay lacks focus and becomes confusing to read at times. You should simply refer to the country as Sudan for the purposes of this writing. Indicating South Sudan only when referencing the modern country. Your constant clarification of which Sudan you are referencing needs to be better so that the reader will not be confused by the constantly changing references.
You should consider anchoring your story on truly strong character shaping influences. What you have right now are not so convincing references to the people around you. Most of which are either vaguely references or confusingly described. If you talk about your father, then reference a character building experience rather than a highly common reference to education being a first wife.