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Essay on a topic "Influences that have shaped who you are today"


Jenny_ 2 / 5  
Feb 23, 2010   #1
Hello Dear,

Please could you be so kind to look through my essay.
The topic is "Influences that have shaped who you are today"

In my mind one of my most distinctive characteristics that I have received because of the influence of the environment that I am living in is the diversity of experiences I possess. I am a business student with technical abilities and an interest in marketing. I also have a passion for visiting new places and understanding different cultures of the world. All these elements have given me a very strong position in my life, with varying degrees of knowledge in a number of topics. I strongly believe that although some cannot be related directly, all these qualities will influence my graduate work and studies on a MBA Program of University of Victoria.

My Bachelor degree has given a strong foundation to my critical thinking and logical skills since marketing and management studies involves a lot of diverse, complex and intricate researches together with application of elementary math skills. Over the past two years, during my studies in the university I have been working as a part-time employee with my friends firm, North Winds Asia. After I graduated university I found a job as a marketing specialist in Chagala Group Company. I am also a member with SOA - Sponsorship Organization of Almaty, which is basically a charitable corporation which derives its existence due to the enthusiasm of its members. I have assisted in a big sponsorship program for the development of the Children Rugby in the Western Kazakhstan Region. More than what I have studied in school and university, it has been these experience that have shaped the person that I am today.

Moreover, I strongly believe in my leadership skills. The first time I noticed this ability was in my childhood. In primary school, I started a professional career as a dancer. All the time I was in the leading positions and for me it was not difficult to explain my troupe the mechanism of the dance, and, to my surprise, I could make them do everything without any threatening or shouting. Recalling that situation, I understand that it is a real gift when you possess leadership abilities. A leading person should correct actions of the working team and be the one who can direct it in the most profitable direction that can be beneficial for the business.

I believe that this unique combination of experiences has made me a person with an original point of view. This blend has given me a broader perspective to and a good understanding of life and a goal to aim for. Among other things, I have this diversity of experience to offer University of Victoria.

My most considerable accomplishment has been the success of the hotel construction and opening project that I managed at Chagala Group Company, Almaty, where I have been working as a Marketing Specialist since summer 2009.

The reason why I am telling about this experience is that it really influenced on the formation of my personality, on who I am today.

During my work at Chagala Group, I had an opportunity to observe and work within actual marketing environment. My major concern as a marketing specialist was with traditional marketing methods, which could not cope with the problems that were assigned to me during the work on the project. In the everyday work of the marketing department, we had to create something outstanding that could attract new buyers and consequently bring revenue to the firm I am working in.

Because of this project and work I did during its execution I believed in my abilities and in what I thought was good for the success of the company. I had to implement a pro-active approach, became a leader in order to motivate people to effectively complete the project. A good manager with specialization in marketing is one who can figure out what the exact nature of the problem, deal with it effectively by involving all the members of the company and improve the overall culture of the company. The fact that I was able to perform given to me task independently, has heightened my confidence in myself.
lowryder49 7 / 31  
Feb 24, 2010   #2
it seem to be ok, but perhaps you could start with a more catching line or a quotation that might express who you are and your passions
OP Jenny_ 2 / 5  
Feb 24, 2010   #3
Thanks a lot for the comment.
Will take it into consideration
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 25, 2010   #4
That first sentence is too complicated. You should start with something powerful. Complexity is not powerful; it's spread-thin.
In my mind o One of my most distinctive characteristics that I have received because of the influence of the environment that I am living in is the diversity of experiences I possess.

Is this really what you are trying to say, though? You should say:
I possess a diversity of experiences, so I owe a debt of gratitude to the people who molded my environment...

I strongly believe that although some cannot be related directly, all these qualities will influence my graduate work and studies on a MBA Program of University of Victoria.---- This does not say anything very clearly. It would be great if you could proclaim a mission you are on, a real plan for the next few years, and describe what you have in mind.

The fact that I was able to independently perform the task that was assigned to me has heightened my confidence in myself.
OP Jenny_ 2 / 5  
Feb 25, 2010   #5
Thank you for the comment.
I will consider it during rewriting of my essay.
twotontony 1 / 3  
Mar 19, 2010   #6
Very good essay...But some sentences that you've written make me lose focus..I mean they're a bit complicated and I think you should break them down..


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