Preliminary comments: This essay is about 100 words too long, so I would like help cutting some parts out. Also, although not explicitly mentioned in the prompt, I am trying to use my statement to address a weakness in my transcripts (due to the injury stuff). This means that I can't cut *too* much of the disability stuff, which is the obvious candidate. Anyway, I also would generally like to know how well the essay works. Thanks.
Please consider the following prompt: Describe your most important accomplishments and how they prepared you for graduate study at (insertschoolhere). Outline carefully your current goals and professional plans. Explain your reason for selecting (insertschoolhere).
I was 21 when I ruptured my patellar tendon. Your patellar tendon is the thin cord that connects your patella, or kneecap, to your tibia. A rupture is, medically speaking, a complete breach. A patellar tendon rupture is generally a repeated-use injury seen in basketball players who hit one too many jump shots, and one day their tendon can't take the stress anymore. But I didn't play basketball; I had a disease called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS.
I just tripped and fell. Anyone else on the planet would have been fine, but the primary symptom of EDS is weakened connective tissue. I hit my knee on sidewalk at low speed, but I was cut like a knife through butter. I was so injured that hospital staff alerted the police. They actually thought someone had tried to kill me. About five weeks later, I tripped over my crutches and ruptured the other patellar tendon. That began a nearly 10 year journey that featured 6 reconstructive knee surgeries, some highly experimental, and hundreds of hours of physical therapy. Today, I have one good knee.
Before the injury, my attention to academics was lax. I had gone through high school with a steadily winnowing attention span, able to pass tests without the inconvenience of keeping up with coursework. After the injury, I was more alert-I had to be. It was difficult for me to merely get to class, as two immobilizers made it incredibly difficult to walk. I could get by in warmer semesters, but winters were terrifying, even with handicapped accommodations. Every time I went outside my door, I wondered: what will happen to me the next time I fall?
I wasn't making progress, physically-speaking, and I was regressing academically. I took time off, moved back home, and had another surgery that improved my condition. I was able to enroll at the University of Michigan's Flint campus, and after some initial struggles, succeed. I had rehabilitated myself, both physically and academically. I graduated with a drastically improved GPA, and I won an award for my achievements both inside and outside of the classroom.
My experiences taught me a lot about disability, for I am still disabled now. I experienced the kinds of issues that disabled people face. I dealt with barriers, lack of elevators and ramps, lack of reasonable accommodation, and even discrimination at the administrative level. These experiences have given me insight into the kinds of problems that the disabled face, and the kinds of remedies that will best address their concerns. This insight is what drives me to pursue public policy at higher levels, so that I can address the kinds of problems that the disabled face in all corners of life. We are disproportionately poor, underemployed, lacking for proper healthcare and housing, and desperately underserved by the public sector.
I believe that my combination of academic success and the determination I've found through my struggles will allow me to succeed at insertschoolhere. My circumstances have taught me that you only get a few chances in life, and you have to make the most of them. I have applied this at the University of Michigan, and I will show the same work ethic at the graduate level.
This is important because insertschoolhere can help me reach my goal. The "Social Policy" specialization would help me address the core issues that the disabled suffer, such as poverty and lack of health care. I would be able to take my degree out into the real world and apply it by working at public sector and non-profit sector organizations that truly care about improving conditions for the disabled. I would be able to make an impact not just because I have a graduate degree from an excellent school, but also because I have something schools can't teach: a first person understanding of what the disabled need.
AS, the only way that I can see to deduct 100 words from this essay would be to somehow combine your sentiments in your last two paragraphs. I would not dream of reducing the information that you have in the earlier paragraphs because those are quite important in showing your academic success and how you achieved it. Most specially, it shows your determination and ability to succeed under the most extreme circumstances. So, I think that the parts you should combine are as follows:
I believe that my combination of academic success and the determination I've found through my struggles will allow me to succeed at insertschoolhere. My circumstances have taught me that you only get a few chances in life, and you have to make the most of them.The "Social Policy" specialization would help me address the core issues that the disabled suffer, such as poverty and lack of health care....
You don't really need a two paragraph conclusion for the essay. It is very possible to combine your response to the last two questions in a single paragraph. Whenever possible, and when faced with a word limitation, it is important to do exactly that. Please let me know if the combined paragraph reduced the word count by 100 words. Perhaps you will need to paraphrase the conclusion to make it work better. If you find yourself facing a brick wall, I will try to see where else we can reduce the word count.
I don't know if anybody will be able to see this old thread, but I've made some changes and I'm hoping somebody will read them and give me feedback.
I was 21 when I ruptured my patellar tendon. The patellar tendon is the thin cord that connects your patella, or kneecap, to your tibia. It was a simple trip and fall. Anyone else on the planet would have been fine, but I suffer from a rare disease called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and the primary symptom of EDS is weakened connective tissue. I hit my knee on sidewalk at low speed, but I was cut like a knife through butter. I was so injured that hospital staff alerted the police for fear that someone had attacked me. Weeks later, I tripped and ruptured the other patellar tendon. That began a nearly 10 year journey that featured many reconstructive knee surgeries and hundreds of hours of physical therapy.
After my injuries, I wasn't making progress in physical therapy, and found myself struggling academically due to severely compromised mobility. I took time off, moved back home, and had an experimental surgery that improved my condition. I was able to enroll at the University of Michigan's Flint campus, and after some initial struggles, I succeeded. Over the next 3 years, I rehabilitated myself, both physically and academically. I graduated with a drastically improved GPA and won my university's most prestigious award.
I believe that my combination of academic success and determination will allow me to succeed at SPEA. I have seen some of the worst-and yet I have overcome it. As such, I no longer feel the fear of failure as sharply. Instead, I am confident that hard work, dedication, and patience will lead me to consistency success. The cultivation of this mindset is, in my opinion, my greatest accomplishment. I have applied it in physical therapy, at the University of Michigan, and I will do the same at SPEA.
My experiences have taught me a lot about disability. I've dealt with lack of elevators and ramps, lack of reasonable accommodation, and even discrimination. These experiences have given me insight into the kinds of problems that the disabled face. This insight is what drives me to pursue public policy at higher levels, so that I can address these persistent problems once and for all. We are disproportionately poor, underemployed, and lacking for proper healthcare and housing. I believe that to truly serve a population, you must know not just what they need, but also what they want-and why. I am uniquely equipped for that task.
This is important because SPEA can help me reach this goal: to improve life for the disabled. The Social Policy specialization would help me address the core issues that the disabled suffer, such as poverty and lack of health care, and the core curriculum would teach me how to implement effective solutions to these issues. So equipped, I'll be able to make a difference; with an education from SPEA and my unique experiences, I will be able to contribute to a solution that is not only efficacious, but also empathetic. And I will be able to partner with people and organizations who are equally passionate about improving conditions for the disabled.
AS, we will always see your thread when you respond to it. Don't worry, you will always find help here when you need it. We won't stop helping you until you tell us that you have succeeded already :-) Now, for my comments regarding the content of this revised essay. No worries, the essay is has further improved but needs only a slight editing from what I can read.
Overall, the essay remains informative and very enlightening. However, you were being asked to discuss all of your accomplishments, yet you failed to fully develop the response to one of your accomplishments. I am referring to the line where you state:
I graduated with a drastically improved GPA and won my university's most prestigious award.
These two references should not simply be combined into one sentence in the essay. You need to offer a paragraph to explaining how, despite your immobility, you were able to improve your GPA. Continue the explanation to shed light on the university award that you received upon graduation. What is the name of the award? Why is it important to you? What does the award signify for you?
Try to add that paragraph to the essay and don't worry about the word count. I know it will go overboard. However, I would rather that you have an over the limit essay than one that lacks information. We can always edit the content. I will personally help you edit the essay down to the required word count when we reach the finalizing stage.
