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An interest in Neuroscience or Philosophy - Transfer essay (grammer, content, tone)

Feb 20, 2011   #1
In the words of Joyce Meyer, the eagle represents determination, perseverance and strength. Eagles are known for their determination to prepare for the worst, need for more, and for not fearing the storm. I always had the mind of an eagle. When I had my mind on something (the prey), I kept my mind on it and captured it. My first year at Pensacola State College has been great, but I know I want more. I want to be at a school that offers more academics, a bigger location and more opportunities.

The education at PSC has been extraordinary and I do love the small one on one classes. Like many college students I have not chosen my major yet and I am still exploring. That's why I decided to apply as a transfer my sophomore year. I want my sophomore year to be about exploring classes and being around others in majors of my interest. I have an interest in neuroscience, philosophy, anthropology and other culture studies. I remember when I bought my first atlas at a book fair when I was in the third grade. I was obsessed with ancient Egypt and India. I was the little girl who had an imagination in space. I would pretend I was Cleopatra and that I knew hieroglyphics. My mind is full of adventures and sometimes I feel like I should be Indiana Jones. Over the summer I'm looking forward to caving at Suwannee University. Since one of my choices is to go into Anthropology I want to become involved in more research like discovering some of those ancient mysteries of the world. Do the ancient Americans have a link to Mesopotamians and ancient Egyptians? I know at a bigger university, there are people already involved in research of that kind. I believe it was Aristotle who said you have to get out there in the world to discover the truth. The best way to answer any of those questions is through a diversity range of academic classes. A few to name are Biblical Studies, Archaeology of the Levant (Syria-Palestine) and Gandhi's India. I want the opportunity to expand my horizon with classes based on my interest. The only con with having a big academic range is me wanting to take everything in such little time. A woman once told my class to find something you like to do and make legal money with it. I love traveling, helping other people and learning about the world. My dream job is to have my own show on The Travel Channel as an archeologist or work for National Geographic. Some of my favorite traveling shows are Andrew Zimmerman, Taboo, Man vs Wild, The Naked Archeologist and Samantha Brown. The most beautiful part about going into any field studying people is you will never stop learning. There was a scientific study that showed people who are constantly learning new things are less likely to get Alzheimer's disease. To further my career of being an archeologist I would love to expand my knowledge with the diverse range in classes and get involved with more active research discovery in the next college I attend.

The perfect college experience is about being around a diverse and universal community, a bigger city. A bigger city can provide me with opportunities I only dreamed of. One of my favorite sports has become fencing and I would love to have the opportunity to fence more. Some other activities I want to be a part of are ethnic cooking and dancing classes. I was able to take an advantage of those opportunities during a summer in New York City. Another pro a bigger city can offer is transportation. I live about an hour away from the school and gas is killing everyone. It's so hard trying to be involved. I want the access to get on a bus or cab and be able to attend every meeting, social events, and get supplies without a problem. I love diversity in people from backgrounds to career paths. The best place to find that is in a bigger city. You can find people who are into art, scientific research, business, law, the list goes on. One of my favorite books is People by Peter Spier because I appreciate the difference in people and culture. I remember going to New York City and seeing people who spoke languages I never heard of. I learned so much by speaking to the cab driver. There is so much more learning about other cultures and religions. When you are in a bigger city you're surrounded by all kinds of people. You have to be mashed with other people on the subway or walk besides them to get to your destination. I believe those are the moments you gain humanity. If I have to do a project on a religion, art, culture or a time period, the resource would be so much better. If I had to write a research paper on the Jewish community and the Holocaust, all of the resource would be in the city. The best resource would be to go into a Jewish community and find someone with first-hand experience. Being in a bigger more cultured city is an academic and culture experience. You can learn so much about yourself through others. When you learn about yourself, you learn to accept other people.

I'm the eagle when it comes down to something that requires determination. I cannot help but to go for it. Most of the things I want are hard to get unless you have the opportunities. An internship opportunity for Anderson Cooper 360 would be perfect. Anderson Cooper has covered some of my favorite topics like the flood in Pakistan and The 2008 election. Anderson Cooper is the best person to gain a global perspective of the world from. There is so much proof that student with intern experience and a great attitude have better opportunities with getting their foot in the door. Since the third grade I started reading the almanac and encyclopedia, I wanted to travel the world. First Lady Michelle Obama said more students should study abroad in China. I would love to attend a college with safe, affordable connections with other countries to study abroad. I spent all summer learning Spanish and a little Hindi in Houston, TX and I need to use it. In ten years, I want to learn ten other different languages. The first place I want to visit besides my uncle in Amsterdam is India. India needs to be explored; it's the home of the world's oldest standing religion. While I am there exploring the land, I am going to give back to the people of India by volunteering. Life is a give, take and pass down. All throughout high school, I was involved. I had to know what was going on and how could I help. I remember visiting other schools and seeing how much passion the students had for certain issues. I have that passion for education, healthcare and women empowerment. No matter where I go, I have to find time to help others. That is why I made it my job to walk to the hospital after school and volunteer. I personally believe a college experience should be about being involved and finding time to help others. Those are the moments you find your purpose. Another big opportunity I would love to have is meeting some of my favorite people. A few to name are Alice Walker and Maya Angelou. There is so much I want to ask and thank them for. Interning and studying abroad are some college opportunities that could help get my foot in any door. The best way to make any of this possible is to have the opportunities.

I know a college does not always make a person, but a good one could open doors and help them acknowledge their power. Knowledge is power! Everyone keeps telling me that a degree is a degree. I never viewed college that way. I want to explore the academic opportunities, meet people with the same big goals I have and be involved in a worldly atmosphere. PSC is a great start for anyone and has some of the greatest professors and students. I know staying and doing my first year locally was best for me. I was able to prepare and ground myself for a bigger city. The difference is I want more and I am willing to work a light year for it. I know I'm made for bigger things and hard work just by looking at my hands. I have the hands of someone willing to work hard and achieve big. I have always been an "idealist person" rather than a "practical person." You get one chance at life; do what you want to do. I have the mind of someone like Oprah; pretty much I have an Empire State of Mind. When it comes down to determination, I'm the eagle.

"Eagles: When they walk, they stumble. They are not what one would call graceful. They were not designed to walk. They fly. And when they fly, oh, how they fly, so free, so graceful.

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Feb 21, 2011   #2
I see so many of those qualities in myself as I take this long road to success. Like many other students, I applied to a school and did not get accepted. let's take these sentence right out of that first paragraph... it will be much better without them. I can see it objectively, and I see that you will make a better impression if you just take these sentences out.

I really think there is no need to mention not getting accepted.

Your interests are fascinating subjects!! Let's not say OR... say AND. That is the real truth. Of course you will use both philosophy and neuroscience if you go into neuroscience... but what do you want to DO every day when you are working after college?

that ten year years ago...

I'm the eagle when it comes down to something and how determine I am that requires determination.

I cannot help but go for it. ---I like this sentence.

Most of the things I want are hard to get unless you have the opportunities. I want take an internship opportunity at Anderson Cooper 360 or science research center. --Should this be capitalized? Also, if you want to work for AC360 give a good reason why... cite some accomplishments.. for example, his recent trip to Egypt...

I have the mind of someone like Oprah.---Here at the end, you also have to mention the eagle again. :-)
Mar 14, 2011   #3
I like your opening, that you describe yourself having an eagle mind. it does attract me to read on.

then, putting the content aside first, i first thought you were trying to create sternness by using a lot of sentences that do not involve any complex structure at all, which is good thing.

but as i skim through your passage, i think there are too many choppy sentences...honestly i am a little uncomfortable seeing so many full-stops; and so i am not feeling good with the excess "I"s either.

e.g. I'm the eagle when it comes down to something that requires determination. I cannot help but to go for it.

you could put ";" in between these two sentences instead; the ideas of these two sentences are related.

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