'zillion lessons' - A Grad School Application Essay. I need to rectify errors & improve sentences

There is this whole spectrum of varied experiences working at the Chief Minister's Office, that I bring with me. I am working on the burgeoning projects of India, like Smart City development for Navi Mumbai, and policy making discussions & forums for Maharashtra's Startup & Entrepreneurship Policy on the lines of 'Start- up India, Stand-up India' initiative. These diverse opportunities have been pivotal in amplifying my outlook, adding new dimensions to my perspective and teaching me life's lessons!

It gets more challenging and exciting with each day at work! On my first day, I was asked to give ideas to implement smart solutions, with the complete design and implementation mechanism of one such project. This was extremely challenging, because I didn't particularly have any previous experience in this field, I started from scratch- by researching about available market solutions, analyzing the existing processes and identifying gaps. After several discussions,my project design on Smart Parking was approved and finalized. I conceptualized and prepared a draft project report on 'Smart Parking' that will be implemented at selected pilot locations of Navi Mumbai. Post negotiations and engagements with the industry specialists and the officers of CIDCO, the project is all set to be implemented at different locations in Navi Mumbai. I am developing a project for an online project management & tracking portal, for the CIDCO Smart City projects that will be used for ensuring timely execution of 88 special projects of CIDCO. With these opportunities, I became quite a go-getter, and it gave me confidence that any task, which even though may seem difficult at the onset, can be accomplished with focus, determination and perseverance.

Working here has helped me know myself better, in many ways! I was able to engage in discussions with the industry specialists, learn from the MD and Jt. MD, CIDCO, work with the chief engineers, planners and hold meetings/ presentations for the projects with them. Witnessing government functioning from very close quarters & being a part of some of the meetings conducted by the Chief Minister for state's special projects, has helped gain a high level perspective of intense and complex functions of the state.

I have matured as a person, learnt a zillion different lessons and gained an experience here, that I shall carry
with me throughout my life.

Hi Bmm, I would like to point out some of your errors or weaknesses with hope that you can revise and strengthen your sentence structure. Then, I hope the detailed explanations below would be helpful towards your revision later on.

- First, I think that this is a common problem for a new member. A new member usually forgot to give space (1 enter) for each paragraph. This will be helpful for us in reading and checking your essay. So, you are suggested to do that in the next post or the next essay drafting.

- Second, I have no idea why you were so obsessed with (!) mark. You've often used it in the whole essay. I reckon that it is not suggested to use that symbol too many. It is to avoid false interpretation. Exclamation mark is sometimes considered as rude or impolite if you put them in the wrong place.

- Third, using symbol is actually not really recommended if you are writing a formal essay, especially a grad school application essay. This makes your essay looks less formal. I have read in your essay that some symbols like "&", "!", and "/" appeared several times. You can use words instead of symbol I think. Perhaps "&" would be "and" and "/" would be "or".

As you can see Bmm, perhaps my feedback is quite simple but I think that if you are able to follow through, some improvements would be beneficial towards your application anyway. I also suggest you to upload the next draft after revising some parts of this essay. I am waiting for that. Good luck :)

Hi BMM, welcome to EF! :D

What is the prompt for this essay? What is it you've been asked to write about? What are the requirements? This will be very helpful for us in determining if you essay meets the requirements of what is being asked.

Mochtar made some good points. You should work on your spacing between paragraphs and not having one big block of text. That is much harder to read.

Your essay seems very complicated- more than it has to be. It shouldn't be hard for the reader to understand what is going on and what you are trying to say. All of these these things like:



and


.

They're not really explained properly. I did a quick internet search and still didn't even know what you were talking about! Help your reader to understand what these things are, what your role was, and how having that role is beneficial and will help you succeed in graduate school. Even in the second paragraph when you explain things, it's still not clear. You did a lot of things, but you are making very general statements without showing the reader what your accomplishments are. Maybe it's confusing to me because my field of graduate study (Social Work) is so opposite of whatever it is you are applying to study. Speaking of, what program are you applying for? I've read your essay multiple times and still couldn't figure it out. I think you should try to relate this experience to your field of study.

For example: The achievement of my design being chosen for the Smart Parking project makes me a good candidate for XX program because I learned YY/ I am able to YY (this is the skills and traits you learned). Having YY means that I will succeed in (your program, field of work, etc) because of ZZ (reason why this is an important skill) .

An example of this from my life could be "During my work at xyz company, I was able to strengthen my risk assessment skills when working with young people. In the field of social work it's important to easily and quickly identify at-risk clients because crisis interventions need to be done in a timely manner when lives are at stake. My ability to do so ensures that young people are able to immediately meet with a counselor who can ensure their safety."